I hadn’t seen Kev Paddock since Morecambe (a) in August so during a text exchange in the week we planned a meet up for food on Friday night. I suggested Sultans in Caldmore (a) as I wanted to review it (b) because curry is one of the best inventions ever and (c) because I figured all the pubs would be decked out in Halloween attire so a curry house would be a good place to avoid that malarkey.

The day was very busy. It felt like all the delivery drivers were dropping off every box on their wagons but it made the shift go quickly and at 4.30 I could escape and start to focus on those 3 little words that that mean so much to so many. Friday night curry.

I didn’t bother booking a table, A curry house isn’t gong to be busy at 8pm is it? To say I could write the gospel of schoolboy errors is an understatement and this was to be another entry. It was heaving. “What are all these people doing?” I asked Kev. “Don’t they know it’s the law that you don’t go to the curry house until the pubs close?”. Ok we were breaking that rule ourselves but as first time offenders I’d like to think we’d have got a lenient sentence if the judge was in a good mood.

The young waiter was perplexed at our request for a table for a two. He wandered around a bit and came up with nothing. A man sat at an empty table which seated 6 put his arms flat on the surface and gave us a look that more than reassured us that two of those spare chairs were not coming our way. Finally another waiter said we could have a table in 20 minutes which I turned down. Please understand I’m not an impatient man but I was very hungry and the sight of lots of people devouring food was not helping.

We headed back into the night. “Shall we go to The Bell?” asked Kev. “The Bell?” I queried thinking he meant the one on Birmingham Road, “Do they do curry?”. “No I mean The New Bell. Great Barr way”. Now my mate Andy Jones has longed raved about this place and has been on about taking me so I know it’s good so happily agreed. I felt a bit bad about sneaking off there behind his back but it was a desperate situation and hoped he’d understand.

We got there and the car park was full. You’d have struggled to get a Sinclair C5 on it. Street parking it is then. Hmmmm. Put it this way, if you’re a fan of double yellow line spotting you’re in for a treat round there, there’s miles of them. We drove around the block hoping a gap would appear on the car park but to no avail.

Critical times. Kev opened Google and asked for nearby curry houses, and it came up with Simla Spice. 4 minutes away. Yes please and thank you. As we approached Kev remarked that we’d been out for half an hour and not come close to seeing a naan bred. I said it would be just our luck to get there and a big banner would be above the door proclaiming “Tonight only. Free sex with every curry” and that the place would be rammed.

We walked in, there was just one other customer. Lots of tables. Both Kev and myself were very relieved and excited to see wood. We were given a corner table providing us both with our own radiators. This was welcome. It’s fair to say that the music was not the normal style that you get in a curry house. Jennifer Lopez was on as we walked in. This was followed by Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve. The Verve in a curry house? Amazing. Why have I not been coming here for years?

The lighting was subdued which I normally like but here I had to put the light on my phone to read the menu. Minutes latter I was ready to order Makani Chicken. I normally have 2 chapatis but I was still very excited so went for a cheese naan which I’ve never had before.

The food arrived quickly, and as per normal after just one spoon of it we were asked if it was ok? Why is it always before you’ve properly sampled it and just after you’ve shoved it in your gob? I was bought up not to speak with a full mouth so gave a couple of firm nods.

The place was nicely decked out with Kev commenting it looked like a beauty salon. I said it probably doubled up as one and they switched the sign at 5pm. This got my imagination going and before long I’d come up with the concept of a spa place with food called “Massage & Masala”. Please don’t nick this idea. Kev and me are taking it on Dragons Den. They’d all be fighting over it. Even Deborah “I’m out” Meaden would want in.

Livin’ la Vida Loca came on and I really had the urge to get up on one of the other tables, give it portions and gyrate around a bit but there was still food to eat and nobody wants to see that. The amazing AC/DC song “Back In Black” followed. I didn’t gyrate to that either.

“Losing My Religion” came on. I got emotional. “I’ve got great company, eating lovely curry and I’m listening to R.E.M. I’m so happy I could cry”. I followed this up with the inevitable “that’s me in the korma” line. It had to be done.

I needed the loo and I have this thing where I leave it to the last second to make my move but then have to scamper in a try not to piss myself move. I asked about the toilet to be pointed in the direction but informed that it was occupied. By whom we wondered. We were now the sole customers. Typical of me and my rubbish timing, I wanted the loo at the same time as the chef. Oh well, I made it.

The bill arrived which was very reasonable but as we mulled over it Red Hot Chillli Peppers came on. I’d just shoved an After Eight in my mouth so Kev was able to beat me to the “this is the apporiate band for in here line”.

So we ended up having a great evening. We learned that sometimes Plan C is better than Plan A, even if we didn’t get free sex with our curry.

Kev had work in the morning so he dropped me off at The Wheatsheaf. Daz and Colin were doing a dj set so I popped in to show my face. They were playing a remix of Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love”. I can;t stand Led Zeppelin and that is their worst song but fair play for someone trying to improve it. Daz assured me I’d like the next song which was Rhythm Of The Night and he was right. The Green Duck IPA was in god form but I only had one and headed home. A cheap and early night which was win win on both counts.