It was Valentines Day on Friday. I wanted to do something different. I’d already announced that I was going to a random pub for the night, but where? I wanted somewhere not doing anything Valentines related but then during the week I saw The Jack Jiggers pub in Brownhills were doing a Traffic Light Party (red badge for taken, amber for maybe, green for single.) I then saw that The Forge Tavern in Willenhall were doing a speed dating night. It was going to be one of these. The Forge had 3 things going for it. It would be a new tick, the poster advised free glass of bubbly for speed daters and when doing my research I found out the pub is down the road from Tiffany’s, a great cafe I’ve recently discovered. The prospect of pulling a lass that lives by Tiffany’s swung it for me.

I’m no expect at dating. I know my limits. I’m not good looking but my confidence levels have crept up over the last year from absolute zero to the lofty heights of negligible.

Walsall isn’t really a hot bed of dating events. I went to a singles night at the New Art Gallery in 2003. Two ladies spoke to me. One taking my beer order, another who worked there telling me off for taking said beer into a gallery.

The Light Cinema in Walsall announced a speed dating night in 2017 which I quickly signed up for. It got cancelled though as not enough men had registered. I was like “no, that’s fine leave it on” but to no avail.

I had prepared for that even mind. In the pub one night I told my great mate Mase that I was going and he offered to play some female speed daters. This was very amusing if not slightly awkward at times. My favourite of these exchanges was his portrayal of flirty accountant Kirsty. With “her” job in mind I asked “what’s your favourite sum?” This caused much amusement and despite being 8 years ago, still gets mentioned to this day.

So onto Friday. No Valentines cards were waiting at home but my Tesco Clubcard statement was with a £4 voucher in there. That’ll do instead. Out came a nice shirt, posh coat and the shiny shoes that I only wear for funerals, weddings and job interviews. The shirt ironing song was changed at the last minute. It was going to be “She Hates Me” by Puddle Of Mudd as it had popped into my head on the walk home. I thought something to get me in a romantic mood was more appropriate so went for “Everlasting Love” by Love Affair because it’s amazing.

There was a bit of panic pre departure as I couldn’t find my glasses. They were on the floor next to the still in box barbecue that Josh bought me in 2021. I really hope I’m not the only person with a still boxed barbecue that resides in the Living Room.

I’d mentioned to John at the 11th hour what I was doing and he said he’d come with me, not to partake but mostly to take his mind off his still sore tooth extraction from a couple of days earlier. We popped to the Walsall Arms for a bit of Dutch Courage and so I could have a quick practice at flirting with Jaz the landlady.

John drove us over to Willenhall. I was navigating so of course there was a missed turn. Standard for me. We got in and Maroon 5 “This Love” came on and a television screen above the bar was showing a Katy Perry video. I was happy already.

John is taller and thinner than me but also bald. I wondered if the locals thought a Right Said Fred tribute act had come to do a turn.

I signed up and it quickly became apparent that the 4 ladies sitting opposite and all facing us were the female partakers. We clearly stood out like sore thumbs. We were at a table between the ladies and the bar, and there was only one chair so I was standing there like the proverbial spare part at a wedding. The on came “Tha Crossroads” by Bone Thugs N Harmony.

This was my opportunity to emanate some cool vibes toward the ladies and I grabbed it with both hands. On the spot I did a sort of bendy knees, casually nodding head dance whilst singing along as best as I could. Mainly the chorus to be honest.

With the ladies now suitably reassured of my coolness I opted to visit the little boys room. My bladder isn’t the strongest and I didn’t want to get caught short, arriving in front of a lady and it being “hi, I’m Mikee. Sorry, I gotta dash. I’m about to toilet myself.” What a first impression that would be.

The toilets are up the back passage. Both had their doors open and I paused briefly outside one to asses which it was. “I hope you’re not going in our toilet” came a female voice. It was on of the 4 speed daters. I laughed and said “it is my first time in here, honest.” “I’ll let you off then” and she pointed me in the direction of the men’s.

It was soon start time. Did I have a strategy? Well no. I’m shy, especially around the ladies, . My interactions with them normally go one way. It’s a word beginning with h and ends in orrendously .I’m not good at meeting people and I don’t really like talking to people I don’t know. Other than that it was going to be fine. So no, I didn’t have a plan A. Plan B if conversation dried up was to ask “should we bring back dinosaurs?” Plan C was to unleash my Chewbacca in the Big Brother house impression.

I can remember the ladies names but I’m not going to use them or describe them as it’s right as they didn’t know I’d be writting about this.

First up was hard work. We spent the first minute looking at the paper on the table, then her mate was wanting to borrow her glasses (and trying to remove them from her head so she could also read). Finally we got to talk but it was tough. The music was very loud and we both struggled to hear anything. We couldn’t really get a conversation going. I could have done with a Right Said Fred tribute act turning up and singing “Don’t Talk, Just Kiss.”

When the change over occurred the dj apologised for the music, turned it down and allowed us an extra minute at the next table to make up for it. The lady at the next table was great. Straight out with questions and we really hit it off. I asked her what she did and she relied “I’m an accountant.” It had to be done. “So what’s your favourite sum?” This completely threw her but we moved on. She said that she’s a singer and does a bit of Shakira. This was my cue to stand up and announce “I love My Hips Don’t Lie” and gave my hips a shimmy. She was fine with this. We crammed a lot into those 3 minutes but it was time to move onto lady number 3.

This was another great chat. We have the same taste in music with her expressing fondness for Linkin Park and Biffy Clyro. She said she’s single but had been roped into this to make up the numbers.

I arrived in front of lady number 4 and sat down with the line “well I found your table easier than I found the toilets” which she liked. We talked all kinds of things where we live and the basics like that. She asked if I’m married. “Nope, never married. No children. No stalker ex’s still on the scene. I have absolutely no baggage>” “That’s what we like to hear.” I followed this up with my cringiest line of the night. “I only have baggage when I’m at the airport.” I didn’t tell her that I’ve only ever had one foreign holiday and that was back in 2009.

Soon it was all over. The end was signalled by the dj bringing over a bottle of bubbly for us all to share, which was put on our table. Lady 4 asked me to open it and I politely declined as I didn’t want to look a wimp if I couldn’t. The man sat with her friend did the honours and we all got a glass although her friend turned it down so she grabbed it.

I filled my scores in but then didn’t really know what happened next. Well what happened next was I grabbed a much needed pint. My scores remained on the table though as I assumed they would e collected.

I sauntered over to the table the lades were sat at. I don’t get to saunter very often so took full advantage of this opportunity. I explained to lady 2 about the favourite sum back story and she loved it. “I’m glad I helped you ask that in a real speed dating event. I’ve never been asked that before but no, I don’t have a favourite sum. I’m rubbish at Maths and use a calculator”. Crap at Maths and a sense of humour. Fair play.

The DJ, now behind the bar announced “free shot for all the speed daters” and I didn’t need telling twice. I was up there like shit off a shovel. One of the male speed daters commented that it was the cheapest shot being given out. I didn’t mind. It was free. I like free.

I strolled back over to the ladies. This time looking casual. I had one hand in my pocket and the other one was holding a pint of Carling. God, I’ve turned into Alanis Morrisette. That’s all the word needs. Lady number 4 gave me another glass of bubbly but made it clear I was getting no more. After more chats I went back and joined John as I didn’t want him sitting on his ow. Josh had turned up which was a pleasant surprise. “Mate, you seem so confident” was his first feedback. I happily confirmed that I’m not, just a good actor.

Lady 2 shouted over what I thought was “Mikee, do you want to come and see the gay beds?” Turned out she said day beds but she led me outside where there are beds for relaxing on and also a hot tub. I’ve never known a hot tub in a pub. I’m getting a pair of budgie smugglers in the Summer and having me a bit of that. The landlord joined us and he told me of his plans for the place and it was a good insight.

Back inside time was getting on. My scores still hadn’t been collected so it looked like there wasn’t going to be an announcement about matches and I didn’t have the guts to ask out the one I liked most.

We said goodbyes and headed back to the Walsall Arms so John could put the car to bed and have a beer.

It was an absolutely brilliant night. Thoroughly enjoyed it and maybe I have more confidence than I give myself credit for. I want more speed dating – the pub is on about doing it again and it’s definitely a me kind of pub so I’d be up for it again. I can only apologise to the locals though that they didn’t get to hear John and I singing “I’m Too Sexy.”