Two weeks ago my mate Daz messaged saying “I have a mission I need you for.” I was immediately intrigued and responded reflecting this. He came back saying he wanted to visit a heritage pub in Erdington along with a couple of others and thought I’d be up for it. He knows me well. I was.

We arranged it for last Saturday but messaged on Friday to make the final arrangement. Meet at Walsall Railway Station at midday, change at Aston, job’s a good un. I did suggest maybe changing at Duddeston as it’s the same island platform, to save walking the streets to change at Aston. He knows I’m obsessed with Duddeston and called out my agenda immediately. However, he’s never ticked off that station so was fine with this.

My t-shirt ironing songs, as a YouTube mix was on, were “Rush Hour” by Jane Wiedlin and “Still Life” by The Horrors. Two great but somewhat different songs. I’d love to do both on karaoke but the latter might freak out all the ladies in the pub. Imagine me belting out “when you waaaaake up, when you waaaaake up, you will find me.” They’d all want to stay awake like in Nightmare On Elm Street.

Daz’s bus was held up in traffic as Stafford Street has gone to shit at the mo but we made the train with seconds to spare. It pulled out just as our arses touched seats. First randomness of the day was when someone got on at Perry Barr singing the Postman Pat theme.

“We changing at Duddeston?” he asked. I confirmed but was quick to stress that it’s not quite as picturesque as Moor Street. “That’s fine. I’m intrigued.” We were soon there and just loitering on the platform when a lady marched up. “Is this where I get the train to Lichfield?” she asked. I said “Yes, usually but this one isn’t going as far as Lichfield, only Four Oaks.” “Why isn’t it going to Lichfield?” she demanded. Proper arsey. “I honestly don’t know.” I felt helpless. I don’t like having gaps in my knowledge even though there are millions across a wide range of subject. We saw the next one was also only going to Four Oaks. She used the intercom and was told to change at Aston. The man on the intercom didn’t sound convincing. We weren’t convinced. I don’t think she was. We wished her luck. We still had 18 minutes till our train. “Shall we explore?” I asked Daz. Of course he agreed.

We had a mooch upstairs and out on the street- Daz showing off by looking over the bridge which was above my head height. It was almost time for the train but there was one last bit of exploration to do. “Shall we get the lift?” I asked. He nodded. The doors opened, which half surprised me. Daz was like “it’s a bit pungent.” “Yeah” I agreed “Tell me the station doesn’t have a toilet without telling me the station doesn’t have a toilet.”

Our first pub in Erdington was The Red Lion, the heritage pub that Daz wanted to tick off. Just 3 minutes walk from the station. “It was built in 1899” Daz said. “Hmmm. Convenient” I said. “Highgate Brewery opened the year before. The elders of the town must have demanded somewhere to drink this goodness from Walsall.”

Daz headed in while I fannied around outside taking pictures. He got the beer and we sat down. “It’s really friendly in here” he said. “Everyone said hello when I walked in.” “They all ignored me” I replied. Yeah, I told them to.”

Initial thoughts were that the pub interior, especially the tiled bar reminded me of The Bartons Arms. It’s been that long since I’ve been in there though so I could be talking utter shit. Wouldn’t be the first time. Music was varied starting with The Kooks and at one point “YMCA” got an airing. “Shall we get up on the table and do the dance?” asked Daz. I’ve done this dance on my own in front of a packed Prince Of Wales theatre audience, but wasn’t reeally feeling it at this point.

There were two model skeletons behind the bar – well I assume they were models. I instructed Daz to find out their names. I was never going to ask and as the locals liked him so much it would have been better for him to ask. Daz said his Guinness was the best he’d had in a long time. Really good pub this and a great start to the day.

We headed back the way we came. Daz spotted The World Karate & Kickboxing Association. He wondered why it was here, above a dessert shop in Erdington rather than the far East. I pondered if they have tournaments and the winner gets a Lemon Meringue from downstairs. I started regretting only going to two karate lessons as a kid as referenced in last week’s blog.

Next up was The Swan. My mate Cara worked here for 18 months in the 90’s and was included on my only previous Erdington crawl that myself, Cara and her now husband Paul did back in the day. I made a friend on the way in who loved my Donkey Kong t-shirt. I was amazed at a sight on the bar though. A hot pork scratching dispenser. Never seen one of these before. It had to be done. Delighted to announce that they were great. They are the future. I did’t think that I am future ready but maybe I am. Ray Gray Snacks need to get one or two of these at Bescot Stadium. They’d sell shitloads. The queues would be longer than for the beer. Actually that’s pushing it a little. That Bescot Bar beer queue takes some beating, especially when the match is shit.

Another new thing for us both in here was a sign advising of an app where you can pay for and select songs on the jukebox from your phone. How amazing. You could put on your most embarrassing guilty pleasures and nobody would have a clue. Genius. It’ll no doubt take me 30 years to get this app. By then you’ll probably be able to press a button and the band will appear in front of you to play the song. Actually, I’m already seeing problems with this prediction. I doubt I’ll be presenting Tomorrow’s World any time soon. Anyway, this pub was very busy and quite frankly, great.

We were strolling to Wetherspoons and I spotted something across the road. “Pound Bakery.” I declared. “You read my mind. Shall we?” Daz replied. It was motion carried. Get some hot pastry goodness in me. We were served quickly by two friendly ladies, but then Daz was offered some freebies. Festive Bakes and something else that I didn’t catch the name of. The one lady said that they were trying to get rid of them. I’d spent double what Daz did. Why was he getting freebies? Perhaps they thought I’d got more than enough food, which was true to be fair.

I raised this as we walked round the corner. Daz was also puzzled but said he’d share them with me. “I’m still boycotting the place” was my response. We started to share boycotting stories as he is as up for this course of action as I am. He opened the bag of freebies and offered me one. “I don’t know if I’m too offended to have one or if I should just to show them.” “If I chuck them in the bin, would that make you happy?” he asked. This made us both laugh. His question was academic anyway as he polished them all off before I’d finished my purchases.

Next up was Wetherspoons. The Charlie Hall, possibly the only Spoons where the name is a hybrid of two Walsall FC midfielders from the 24/25 season. We found a table and Daz decided to order via the app. 20 minutes later and we still had no drinks, whilst a couple that walked in with us got their food in half the time. Daz went up the bar and sorted it out. I think me ordering a latte had caused a glitch in The Matrix. Decent enough Spoons this with toilets on the same level.

We continued our walk and saw a shop with it’s own sort of market outside. There was a box of Just Eat shirts. I didn’t believe this until I checked the packaging. “Oh God Daz, just think of the mischief that we could get up to with these. I could walk into McDonald’s in the morning, point at the screen and say I’m here to collect that. Then get outside and moan bloody hell George, you could have ordered a double sausage and egg McMuffin.” I just need to point out here that I would never steal another persons breakfast. This was in jest. Another man’s double Fillet O’Fish on the other hand…My next idea was for us to be the Just Eat strippers. Turn up at hen do’s with food and then undress a bit. Yeah I’m realistic enough to know the woman would only want the food part from me.

Our last Erdington pub was The Church Tavern. Daz had said that this would be the most me pub of the day. I like surprises but this time I decided to check my usual pub website. Only 3 reviews and none of them great. The most positive was from a guy that said it was a locals pub with local language but he didn’t feel threatened. Another said it was “a poor excuse for a pub” and the first one came with guidelines. Don’t go in if you’re alone, a single woman or a wimpy person. (I used to be a Wimpy person but then the one in Walsall became a Burger King.) He continued that he got mutterings and stared at when entering in and (quoting Angry People In Local Newspapers off Facebook here) used the “vows never to return klaxon.” I will point out that that review was 15 years ago and the other two from 2015. I knew straightaway that I wanted to visit this pub.

There were people in the doorway so I loitered over the road trying to get a decent picture without them in. This caused annoyance to a lady with a pram who rocked up alongside me, hoping to cross the road. She clearly didn’t expect this rotund person to be loitering and fannying around with his phone, blocking her view of oncoming traffic. We both made it across safely. I then took a close up shot anyway.

I got a “hello” from a local on the way in. I was liking it already. It was busy but we soon clocked there was a 60th birthday going on for a lady called Alison. The dj was playing some great songs from “You Got It” by Roy Orbison to “Walk Away Renee” (Four Tops version), and also some Black Sabbath as a nod to the local hero Ozzy Osbourne.

The buffet was declared open by the dj but nobody went up. In Walsall a queue forms before the first bit of cling film has been fully removed. Eventually some people did after an hour.

We stayed much longer than planned as it was so good in there. Daz cleared all the cans of Red Stripe whilst I had just a couple of Carlings. At one point a barmaid on glass collecting duty dropped one in front of me. I immediately bent down to pick it up while Daz pooed himself thinking somebody had thrown it.

We had a great time in here and it was easily pub of the day from me. We departed and started to walk back, discussing the day. “All great pubs” Daz started “but if I come to Erdington again and could only do 3 pubs, I’d miss the Wetherspoons.” “Yeah” I agreed, “I’d miss the Wetherspoons and the Pound Bakery.” At this precise moment, Daz – whose eyes are better than mine saw further up the road. “Has somebody thrown paint up the Pound Bakery?” Whilst not up the shutter, someone had definitely had an accident right outside with some gloss. “I actually think you did it” said Daz. “Great, you’re supposed to be my alibi.”

We missed a train by seconds but didn’t have to wait long for the next one and it gave us chance to speculate if that lady at Duddeston had made it Lichfield. We both thought no. We changed at Aston this time. Upon taking the street walk to the other side, I said I’d take the lift. Daz looked at the stairs and said “race ya.” He won but I think it nearly killed him. I settled for the Silver medal and still being able to breathe.

The train was one of those new ones but the token out of order toilet was still present. Upon arriving back at Walsall we both needed the loo. I suggested a piss and pint pit stop in The Red Lion but Daz wanted to go more central. Upon reaching The Tap And Tanner we both dashed to the loo. Daz may have won the race at Aston but was a distant second here. I had no desire to round of a good day by toileting myself.

The Tap sells Inch’s Cider so it was one of those for me. There was also one pack of Bacon Fries left on it’s display card looking sad and miserable so I purchased it. Daz only had a couple of these. Must have still been full from his free goodies.

It was good in The tap. We were joined by Liz, Daz’s missus who I’d not met before and she was lovely. She happily listened to my now numerous travel wishes, even being up for one or two of them. There was a slight incident when a glass collected tried to take mine while there was still a bit of Cider left in it. I quickly stopped her and necked it. I shouldn’t moan. It’s been a while since a woman has tried to grab my Inch’s.

I said my goodbyes and popped to The Walsall Arms for one. Jodi was dj’ing and doing a request a song night. Requesting a song for me is like cracking open a tube of Pringles. Once I’ve popped, I can’t stop. I was only having a quick night cap so couldn’t hang around while Jodi worked through my Live Aid length list of requests. As I type this, a week later I realise in hindsight that had Daz been with me I should have requested “Paint” by Roxette and “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy to continue the main talking point of the day.

Final nightcap came courtesy of Danny’s Chicken. Not been in here since May and they must be missing me as I recently got a leaflet through my door. Not that they know where I live but it was a sign in my eyes. The lad was pleased to see me and gave a decent piece of chicken for free with my order. Hence no paint on the pavement outside Danny’s.

Superb day this, cheers Daz for asking me along. We never did find out the names of the skeletons in The Red Lion though. I guess we’ll have to go back soon. Is there a Greggs in town perchance?