I was recently invited to a joint stag/hen do for my friends Nick (also known as Antony) and Michelle. Not been to a joint one before, and it was at Ming Moon in Birmingham, which I was at for the legend that is Sean Westwood’s birthday last year so I had no hesitation in accepting the invite.

I first met Nick at a Creative Writing course in 2009, where we did this over two academic years, although I missed the first 4 months of the second year as I couldn’t afford it. It was him who got my into the AMCS am dram, and it was through this that I met Michelle in 2014 when they became a couple.

It had been a lazy day. All I had done was pop to town. I needed some vitamin pills, and I spotted some over 50’s ones so opted for them as that is what am I nowadays – I still identify as a twenty something though. Typically, the lass serving was fine and here I was buying probably the most uncool thing I ever have. This coming from a man who purchased a Sonia single from Sundown Records back in the day. Not even the big Sonia hit. I also listened to the Walsall match against Gillingham on WM which sounded shit.

At Walsall Railway Station, my Investigative Journalist tenancies kicked in when I spotted across the tracks, a man enter the station on platform 1. He walked all the way down, passing all the benches and into the dark bit where nobody goes, unassumingly up to the barrier. I couldn’t see what he was up to due to a large bush but he was there about a minute then walked back out onto the street. I have my suspicions as to what occurred.

Train was on time and I was soon at Birmingham New Street with the usual array of sights that are afforded there from a lass looking stunning in a white dress and (I assume) Doc Martin boots through to a man with a traffic cone on his head.

I was outside Ming Moon before most of the others. I was too scared to go inside so loitered outside. There was a cycle lane next to where I was stood with concrete blocks at the end and it was like watching a real life version of the 1980’s arcade classic Paper Boy as cyclists tried to dodge pedestrians, vehicles and those blocks.

Soon the limo carrying the main bulk of delegates for the party arrived. Nick is an atheist as just as people were getting out of the limo, along came a man loudly proclaiming how great God is. He couldn’t have timed it any better. As a footnote, those words were wasted on me. I saw Martin O’Connor play for Walsall so am already quite aware of how great God is.

Michelle’s bestie Emma Cartwright rushed over to give me a badge for the night which I quickly popped on my shirt. It was then hellos to some very good people who I’ve not seen in a while like Emma Padley, Mark Nicholls, Lynn, Nicks kids Eleanor and Matthew, Bethany and her mom Angie and we were soon joined by the absolute top lad Danny and his wife Tara. I’d only met Tara once before, on my birthday bash in 2021 where it’s fair to say that I was a little bit refreshed by the time they turned up so it was nice to finally speak to her properly.

We were in The Peaky Blinders room, named The Garrison Tavern and decked out in people from the show. Wasted on me mind, I’ve never seen a second of it. This room is situated on the main floor of the place. No going down a spiral staircase with plates of food like last time. I could have worn my high heels after all.

I have a tendency to over think things and today’s bout came while the karaoke machine was being set up. I wondered if someone requests a Milli Vanilli song, do they then have to get someone else to perform it to keep it realistic? One for AI there me thinks.

First son that came up had Chinese words. Tara and I swapped puzzled glances. “The only Chinese I know is sweet and sour king prawn balls” was my contribution to the situation.

The first English song that came up was “Don’t Stop Me Now” but nobody claimed it. Me and Danny were singing along and a microphone was thrust in my face. I pulled back and said “not without a beer in me.” I still hadn’t been to the bar at this point. I sat forward and the microphone was again presented to me. I cleared my throat and said into it “A pint of Carling please.” Maybe I should have sung it but I hadn’t had a vocal warm up.

Nick who actually hates karaoke was first up singing a song from School Of Rock. Main character Dewey Finn was Nick’s dream role to play and he got to do it recently and he totally nailed the song.

We hit the bar. Madri was £5.79 a pint. I’ll take that. Not bad for Birmingham City Centre. I’ve not had a Walsall FC Madri yet this season but I bet it’s in touching distance of that now. We relaxed with beer in front of us. Danny leaned forward. “I’ve got a question, and if anyone knows it, it’ll be you.” “Oooh, go on.” “I heard this today.How many Wetherspoons are there in the whole of the country?” “I don’t know for sure. and they have got rid of a few lately. I’ll go 790.” His face was a picture. “Bloody hell, you’re 13 out. It’s 803.” I’ll take that. He went up the bar and got us Jagerbombs, I’ll take that as a prize for nearly getting a question right.

Food time. I’d warned everyone in the event group chat to get to the pork belly before me or face disappointment. The plates here are slightly on the small size but there is no limit to the amount of times you can go up. After the last visit I did toy with the idea of taking my own big plate along like Alan Partridge. Anyway, I got pork belly, crispy king prawn and lemon chicken along with other goodness. Marvellous.

I didn’t have as much on my second run but then spotted battered fish which I’d missed the first time. The piece on top was noticeably the biggest and suddenly my plate looked full again, not that I give a shit about that. I moved towards the penultimate tray which had the chicken curry in, which I’d also missed on the first run. A man was carefully sifting out the mushroom from this. Scandalous. You’d never catch me doing that. Anyway, I got this curry, after sifting out the mushroom of course and was about to walk away when a man appeared. “Can I take a picture of your plate for Instagram please?” I was taken aback but muttered a half hearted agreement and he took it. I looked at the massive fish. I’m not on Insta but have been meaning to get on it. I guess I’m now on there. Not quite how I had in mind though. Not sure if hash tags are a thing on there but if they are I bet #lookatthisfatfucksplate was soon being used. I’m glad I hadn’t done a Partridge and taken my own big plate.

After my 2nd trip to the bar, upon returning to The Garrison Tavern, a big round of applause went up. Either a) a cracking song had just finished, b) they were all really pleased to see me back in the room or c) I was famous on Insta already. I’m taking option b but guessing it was a. I thanked them for the applause anyway and made it all about me. Standard.

I hadn’t put a song request in. I was in a room full of much better singing stage performers, so was happy to let them entertain me. I had thought of doing my moody version of McFly’s “Obviously” but thought that might bring the mood down. Not that that usually bothers me. Nick got up to sing “1985” by Bowling For Soup and I was immediately “I’ll have me a bit of that” and jumped up hoping to piggy back his performance. He handed me a mic and we nailed it.

I popped out for a dessert and found a row of big food pots at the back of the room, which I’d never seen before. One was absolutely crammed full of king prawns. I nearly unplugged and carried it back to the room. Stick that on Insta George. Instead I had an ice cream and a negligible amount of profiteroles.

There were some more great performances in the room. Nobody claimed “Someone Like You” by Adele so Danny was offered the mic, and despite protesting “I’m a man” he did a great rendition. Had it been “Hello” by said songstress, I’d have been all over it. I regularly belt that out whilst washing up.

Wlwanor did a fab rendition of “Demons” by Imagine Dragons. I once had tickets to see them in Manchester but was frustratyed by a rail strike so it was good to finally hear this sung live.

Nick did the final two. “Bohemian Rhapsody” which turned into a room wide sing along and then Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)” A magnificent song to round things off.

We headed outside. I was last out of the restaurant. I always liked to be last off stage in AMCS shows so it was fitting to recreate that with so many of them in attendance.

Outside Danny asked what I was doing, I said “quick one in Wetherspoons at New Street then last train back.” Got to New Street and I could be arsed so just went to the loo. All the urinals had clientele so I dived in a cubicle, which is unusual for me. I’ve seen some sights in these over the years, some grimmer than others. Here along side the loo was the packing from a meal deal. Was a bloke on a diet and snook off from his missus to demolish some calories on the sly or was he just being polite to his fellow passengers by not eating on board the train? I couldn’t call this one. You decide. No public vote like on Big Brother.

Train was on time and I was joined by 3 ladies, one of whom clocked my badge asking if I’d been on a stag. Nice ice breaker and I actually spoke once or twice. One of them used to go out with a Big Brother contestant, and whilst I’m no eavesdropper I couldn’t help but hearing some decent insights.

Back in Walsall I pondered a night cap as I’d only had two pints all night but instead took a very pleasant amble home over Church Hill.

Thanks to Nick and Michelle for the invite, and to Emma for organising it. Hope you have a brilliant wedding day. I’ll try and make the start.