I decided to make a weekend of Barnet (a). I booked a hotel in Eastcote for the weekend at £100 a night, not including breakfast but then I remembered two big factors. London and August. I also decided to treat myself to a first class train for the journey there. Bit swanky for a working class lad but I thought ‘sod it.’ I recently went 4 weekends without drinking booze so I thought the money I saved could go towards some nice things. Although to be fair, the money that old me would spend on booze in just 1 weekend would have covered that ticket.

This came with 2 hours in the first class lounge at Birmingham New Street and an hour upon arrival in Euston. I immediately wondered if there might be celebrities in the lounge at Euston. The first one that came to mind? Kelly Clarkson. Not sure why she would be at said terminus at rush hour on a Friday. Unless it was for song inspiration. But I don’t think My Life Would Suck Without Euston would have been such a worldwide smash hit.

I got to New Street about 2 hours and 10 before my train. I decided to loiter on the concourse by the mossiv destination boards. I didn’t want to get to the lounge bang on for the start of my 2 hour slot. Well, actually I did but you know what I mean. Let a few minutes slide first to make it look good.

I heard from alongside me “fuck sake! Really?” A man was looking up at the boards. I could see cancellations of a train to Manchester and also Walsall. Not sure which had irked him. I love Manchester but could totally understand if his arrival in Walsall was what had been delayed.

Whilst standing there a man approached. “Are you a Walsall fan?” he asked. I get this a lot and it’s my favourite question so I said “yes.” “Do you write food reviews?” I confirmed this and he said “Oh I thought I recognised you. I love reading them.” I thanked him, shook his hand and wished him a good weekend. Proper made me smile that interaction.

It was soon time for me to say “fuck sake! Really?” The first class lounge was closing at 2pm. I’d already shaved 15 minutes off my allowance by playing it cool and now I was losing 40 minutes off the other end. The lady was apologetic saying there was no staff to cover the afternoon shift. I accepted the apology. Not her fault, and if she’s done for the weekend then she’s entitled to go home. If my train had been at 4pm though I’d have had the place up.

I made use of the complimentary snack and drinks until chucking out time and spent while reading a book on the concourse. On board the staff were keen to get down to business. I’d got a coffee before leaving New Street and a free ham and egg roll before we reached Birmingham International.

At Euston I had to hunt for the lounge. Turns out it’s upstairs. Last place I looked. Didn’t know there is an upstairs. I had more complimentary snacks and drinks. This was purely an exercise in clawing back some value from the £4.50 egg mayo sandwich that I bought at this station after the play off defeat in May. I didn’t spot any celebrities. Good job really as I was walking round with my now trademark loose shoelace, flapping about. A bloke that looked like Lewis Capaldi was as close as I got to a celeb.

The Metropolitan Line was not messing around and I was soon in Eastcote, although I could have done without the stop at Wembley Park. I wasn’t ready to see that so soon after the play off defeat.

It was a glorious day as I left the station. Passing Aldi, a lady exited and put her umbrella up. I glanced at the sky. Barely a cloud. Perhaps she saw me and thought ‘it’s raining men, hallelujah. Actually I might shield myself from that one.’

I was in room 54 at he hotel and the people in room 53 had the “do not disturb sign” on the door. They must have been having a good time if they still didn’t want disturbing at 6pm. Fair play to them. My lack of grasp of technology continues. In the shower I had to fiddle with a knob to get it to work. But then, what I had been waiting a couple of months for. Pinner Time.

Pinner, in North West London is the home of Chris Stark. Scott Mills’s last co-host on Radio 1. Chris used to be a part of The Who Game on Scott’s show. On this, people would say a thing or person that you don’t do or hear of anymore like going to a video shop or using a payphone then give it a big “whooooooo.” It’s much funnier than I’ve made it sound.

First mission upon reaching Pinner was to find a taxi rank or base. As much as I love the Underground “I don’t want to go down in a tube station at midnight” and all that. I’d done no research prior to arrival on pubs and stuff which is unlike me. This time I wanted to explore like a modern day Erik The Red. I saw a cafe called The Pinner Table which I liked the name of but sadly closed. I found a proper old school red phonebox, which is now doubling up as a book swap hub. The phone is still in there though. If I’d had some change I’d have made a call just in case Chris Stark was passing and wanted to give me a “whoooooo.”

I couldn’t find taxi facilities. I had my mate Rollo’s voice in my head saying “get Uber on your phone.” Yeah yeah Rollo, one day. I was giving up, walked just a bit more, decided to have one last look down a side street, and found a pub. Oddfellows Arms. Go on then, while I’m here.

The man I assumed to be the landlord was wearing a shirt and tie. Can’t remember the last time I saw this. The sign on the door advised “over 21’s.” I must be starting to look over 21 nowadays as they didn’t ask for i.d. I sat by the open door with a nice breeze blowing through. It was still really hot. Not hot enough for a lady that I’d followed out the tube station in Eastcote who had a big coat on.

There was a nice yard out the back with covered seating and more of a breeze. This was a nice start but there was more wandering to do. Next up was Three Wishes. I had 3 wishes. 1) Find a taxi rank, 2) get Uber on my phone. I’ll save the third for when I’m back in my hotel.

This was a great venue. It had 1970’s style lampshade at one end of the bar with modern lighting through the rest of the place. Loads of retro advertising signs, some of which would look good alongside the ones in my kitchen. There was also lots of football ground signs. I couldn’t see Vicarage Road though, home of Watford who must be the closest club. Mind I couldn’t see Bescot Stadium, home of my beloved Walsall FC either. That one must be still on the way from the manufacturer in China.

The barmaid was really friendly so after a bit of fresh air out the front (standing room only inside) I went back up the bar and asked her about taxis. She gave me a local number. I’m starting to get good at this asking people stuff lark.

I went to Queen’s Head next. I made a canine friend as soon as I walked in and gave him a fuss. In here there was a freezer full of ice cream in front of the bar, genius and another book swap. They clearly don’t like holding on to books round here. I tried to find the toilet and ended up outside in an area called Mix And Mingle. Too quote Kryten from Red Dwarf “there were just two small drawbacks” in my case here 1) I don’t mix. 2) I don’t mingle. Academic anyway as I was quickly moved on from the table I had plonked myself down on by a couple claiming it was theirs. No probs, I headed back inside.

A couple were now delved deep into the freezer of ice cream. I don’t really dabble with the 7 Deadly Sins nowadays but I must confess to a bit of Envy at this juncture. Yes I could have bought my own but you know, my budget was only for alcohol. Not dairy products.

Across the road is Hand In Hand. There was only 3 draft lagers in here and I hadn’t heard of any of them. The barman started to go through the bottles but I just grabbed a Diet Coke and sat outside the front.

On my earlier mooch I’d found a cheese and wine bar called Mouse & Grape. This had to be done. I had the Monty Python Cheese Shop sketch going through the my head as I entered. The counter was full of cheese though unlike that shop. I considered asking for Norwegian Jarlsberg but I’m boring and went for Cheddar. You know I said earlier that I didn’t have budget for dairy products? Yeah, bollocks to that. I wanted both of these words colliding. I’m no wine expert but like a Rose. She asked what size and gave options. I was never going to go for the smaller glass.

First song that came on when I sat down was Hotel California. I smirked at the line “So I called up The Captain. “Please bring me my wine”. He said “we haven’t had that spirit here since 1969″”

The cheese went first, then I started on the wine. Over the past few years I have started to acquire the reputation of being a ponce amongst my friends. Thank God none of them will ever know about this. Next song was “You Can Go Your Own Way” and I started to think this was a good idea. The plan had been to go to a pub called The Case Is Altered the other side of my hotel but I was now thinking bed. After eating cheese. Not a great plan.

I’d seen stairs on the way in and wondered if there was a loo up there. Turns out it was in the room but behind a door with all the snacks assembled on. Great marketing. Need a pee? Check out our range of nibbles en route.

I finished my wine, ordered my taxi and thanked the two lovely ladies who were behind the counter. I gave the driver my standard £1 tip totally forgetting that I was in London. Feel free to write in the comments what you can buy in London for a quid. I’ll wait.

Back at the hotel, the people in room 53 still didn’t want to be disturbed. I turned the tv on but it was of the smart variety. Not the sort I’ve used. I tried to find the channel guide but couldn’t. I went on YouTube. I knew from going to Josh’s house that YouTube on his tv has a little keyboard thing so I found the Roxette “Look Sharp” album and stuck that on, turning it down a bit so as not to disturb the folk in no 53.

A short while later, in bed I stretched and my elbow hit the remote control. No idea how I did it but it brought up the tv guide. Actually, I missed a bit of vital information there. It brought up the tv guide which was set to Babestation. It was reassuring to know that the previous occupant of my room had enjoyed his stay.

Fab night. I really liked Pinner. Sod it, I wanna relive it. *Goes to grab cheese and wine from fridge and yell “Alexa. Play Hotel California.”*