Evo Boozy Scribbler

I was recently invited to a joint stag/hen do for my friends Nick (also known as Antony) and Michelle. Not been to a joint one before, and it was at Ming Moon in Birmingham, which I was at for the legend that is Sean Westwood’s birthday last year so I had no hesitation in accepting the invite.

I first met Nick at a Creative Writing course in 2009, where we did this over two academic years, although I missed the first 4 months of the second year as I couldn’t afford it. It was him who got my into the AMCS am dram, and it was through this that I met Michelle in 2014 when they became a couple.

It had been a lazy day. All I had done was pop to town. I needed some vitamin pills, and I spotted some over 50’s ones so opted for them as that is what am I nowadays – I still identify as a twenty something though. Typically, the lass serving was fine and here I was buying probably the most uncool thing I ever have. This coming from a man who purchased a Sonia single from Sundown Records back in the day. Not even the big Sonia hit. I also listened to the Walsall match against Gillingham on WM which sounded shit.

At Walsall Railway Station, my Investigative Journalist tenancies kicked in when I spotted across the tracks, a man enter the station on platform 1. He walked all the way down, passing all the benches and into the dark bit where nobody goes, unassumingly up to the barrier. I couldn’t see what he was up to due to a large bush but he was there about a minute then walked back out onto the street. I have my suspicions as to what occurred.

Train was on time and I was soon at Birmingham New Street with the usual array of sights that are afforded there from a lass looking stunning in a white dress and (I assume) Doc Martin boots through to a man with a traffic cone on his head.

I was outside Ming Moon before most of the others. I was too scared to go inside so loitered outside. There was a cycle lane next to where I was stood with concrete blocks at the end and it was like watching a real life version of the 1980’s arcade classic Paper Boy as cyclists tried to dodge pedestrians, vehicles and those blocks.

Soon the limo carrying the main bulk of delegates for the party arrived. Nick is an atheist as just as people were getting out of the limo, along came a man loudly proclaiming how great God is. He couldn’t have timed it any better. As a footnote, those words were wasted on me. I saw Martin O’Connor play for Walsall so am already quite aware of how great God is.

Michelle’s bestie Emma Cartwright rushed over to give me a badge for the night which I quickly popped on my shirt. It was then hellos to some very good people who I’ve not seen in a while like Emma Padley, Mark Nicholls, Lynn, Nicks kids Eleanor and Matthew, Bethany and her mom Angie and we were soon joined by the absolute top lad Danny and his wife Tara. I’d only met Tara once before, on my birthday bash in 2021 where it’s fair to say that I was a little bit refreshed by the time they turned up so it was nice to finally speak to her properly.

We were in The Peaky Blinders room, named The Garrison Tavern and decked out in people from the show. Wasted on me mind, I’ve never seen a second of it. This room is situated on the main floor of the place. No going down a spiral staircase with plates of food like last time. I could have worn my high heels after all.

I have a tendency to over think things and today’s bout came while the karaoke machine was being set up. I wondered if someone requests a Milli Vanilli song, do they then have to get someone else to perform it to keep it realistic? One for AI there me thinks.

First son that came up had Chinese words. Tara and I swapped puzzled glances. “The only Chinese I know is sweet and sour king prawn balls” was my contribution to the situation.

The first English song that came up was “Don’t Stop Me Now” but nobody claimed it. Me and Danny were singing along and a microphone was thrust in my face. I pulled back and said “not without a beer in me.” I still hadn’t been to the bar at this point. I sat forward and the microphone was again presented to me. I cleared my throat and said into it “A pint of Carling please.” Maybe I should have sung it but I hadn’t had a vocal warm up.

Nick who actually hates karaoke was first up singing a song from School Of Rock. Main character Dewey Finn was Nick’s dream role to play and he got to do it recently and he totally nailed the song.

We hit the bar. Madri was £5.79 a pint. I’ll take that. Not bad for Birmingham City Centre. I’ve not had a Walsall FC Madri yet this season but I bet it’s in touching distance of that now. We relaxed with beer in front of us. Danny leaned forward. “I’ve got a question, and if anyone knows it, it’ll be you.” “Oooh, go on.” “I heard this today.How many Wetherspoons are there in the whole of the country?” “I don’t know for sure. and they have got rid of a few lately. I’ll go 790.” His face was a picture. “Bloody hell, you’re 13 out. It’s 803.” I’ll take that. He went up the bar and got us Jagerbombs, I’ll take that as a prize for nearly getting a question right.

Food time. I’d warned everyone in the event group chat to get to the pork belly before me or face disappointment. The plates here are slightly on the small size but there is no limit to the amount of times you can go up. After the last visit I did toy with the idea of taking my own big plate along like Alan Partridge. Anyway, I got pork belly, crispy king prawn and lemon chicken along with other goodness. Marvellous.

I didn’t have as much on my second run but then spotted battered fish which I’d missed the first time. The piece on top was noticeably the biggest and suddenly my plate looked full again, not that I give a shit about that. I moved towards the penultimate tray which had the chicken curry in, which I’d also missed on the first run. A man was carefully sifting out the mushroom from this. Scandalous. You’d never catch me doing that. Anyway, I got this curry, after sifting out the mushroom of course and was about to walk away when a man appeared. “Can I take a picture of your plate for Instagram please?” I was taken aback but muttered a half hearted agreement and he took it. I looked at the massive fish. I’m not on Insta but have been meaning to get on it. I guess I’m now on there. Not quite how I had in mind though. Not sure if hash tags are a thing on there but if they are I bet #lookatthisfatfucksplate was soon being used. I’m glad I hadn’t done a Partridge and taken my own big plate.

After my 2nd trip to the bar, upon returning to The Garrison Tavern, a big round of applause went up. Either a) a cracking song had just finished, b) they were all really pleased to see me back in the room or c) I was famous on Insta already. I’m taking option b but guessing it was a. I thanked them for the applause anyway and made it all about me. Standard.

I hadn’t put a song request in. I was in a room full of much better singing stage performers, so was happy to let them entertain me. I had thought of doing my moody version of McFly’s “Obviously” but thought that might bring the mood down. Not that that usually bothers me. Nick got up to sing “1985” by Bowling For Soup and I was immediately “I’ll have me a bit of that” and jumped up hoping to piggy back his performance. He handed me a mic and we nailed it.

I popped out for a dessert and found a row of big food pots at the back of the room, which I’d never seen before. One was absolutely crammed full of king prawns. I nearly unplugged and carried it back to the room. Stick that on Insta George. Instead I had an ice cream and a negligible amount of profiteroles.

There were some more great performances in the room. Nobody claimed “Someone Like You” by Adele so Danny was offered the mic, and despite protesting “I’m a man” he did a great rendition. Had it been “Hello” by said songstress, I’d have been all over it. I regularly belt that out whilst washing up.

Wlwanor did a fab rendition of “Demons” by Imagine Dragons. I once had tickets to see them in Manchester but was frustratyed by a rail strike so it was good to finally hear this sung live.

Nick did the final two. “Bohemian Rhapsody” which turned into a room wide sing along and then Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)” A magnificent song to round things off.

We headed outside. I was last out of the restaurant. I always liked to be last off stage in AMCS shows so it was fitting to recreate that with so many of them in attendance.

Outside Danny asked what I was doing, I said “quick one in Wetherspoons at New Street then last train back.” Got to New Street and I could be arsed so just went to the loo. All the urinals had clientele so I dived in a cubicle, which is unusual for me. I’ve seen some sights in these over the years, some grimmer than others. Here along side the loo was the packing from a meal deal. Was a bloke on a diet and snook off from his missus to demolish some calories on the sly or was he just being polite to his fellow passengers by not eating on board the train? I couldn’t call this one. You decide. No public vote like on Big Brother.

Train was on time and I was joined by 3 ladies, one of whom clocked my badge asking if I’d been on a stag. Nice ice breaker and I actually spoke once or twice. One of them used to go out with a Big Brother contestant, and whilst I’m no eavesdropper I couldn’t help but hearing some decent insights.

Back in Walsall I pondered a night cap as I’d only had two pints all night but instead took a very pleasant amble home over Church Hill.

Thanks to Nick and Michelle for the invite, and to Emma for organising it. Hope you have a brilliant wedding day. I’ll try and make the start.

Two weeks ago my mate Daz messaged saying “I have a mission I need you for.” I was immediately intrigued and responded reflecting this. He came back saying he wanted to visit a heritage pub in Erdington along with a couple of others and thought I’d be up for it. He knows me well. I was.

We arranged it for last Saturday but messaged on Friday to make the final arrangement. Meet at Walsall Railway Station at midday, change at Aston, job’s a good un. I did suggest maybe changing at Duddeston as it’s the same island platform, to save walking the streets to change at Aston. He knows I’m obsessed with Duddeston and called out my agenda immediately. However, he’s never ticked off that station so was fine with this.

My t-shirt ironing songs, as a YouTube mix was on, were “Rush Hour” by Jane Wiedlin and “Still Life” by The Horrors. Two great but somewhat different songs. I’d love to do both on karaoke but the latter might freak out all the ladies in the pub. Imagine me belting out “when you waaaaake up, when you waaaaake up, you will find me.” They’d all want to stay awake like in Nightmare On Elm Street.

Daz’s bus was held up in traffic as Stafford Street has gone to shit at the mo but we made the train with seconds to spare. It pulled out just as our arses touched seats. First randomness of the day was when someone got on at Perry Barr singing the Postman Pat theme.

“We changing at Duddeston?” he asked. I confirmed but was quick to stress that it’s not quite as picturesque as Moor Street. “That’s fine. I’m intrigued.” We were soon there and just loitering on the platform when a lady marched up. “Is this where I get the train to Lichfield?” she asked. I said “Yes, usually but this one isn’t going as far as Lichfield, only Four Oaks.” “Why isn’t it going to Lichfield?” she demanded. Proper arsey. “I honestly don’t know.” I felt helpless. I don’t like having gaps in my knowledge even though there are millions across a wide range of subject. We saw the next one was also only going to Four Oaks. She used the intercom and was told to change at Aston. The man on the intercom didn’t sound convincing. We weren’t convinced. I don’t think she was. We wished her luck. We still had 18 minutes till our train. “Shall we explore?” I asked Daz. Of course he agreed.

We had a mooch upstairs and out on the street- Daz showing off by looking over the bridge which was above my head height. It was almost time for the train but there was one last bit of exploration to do. “Shall we get the lift?” I asked. He nodded. The doors opened, which half surprised me. Daz was like “it’s a bit pungent.” “Yeah” I agreed “Tell me the station doesn’t have a toilet without telling me the station doesn’t have a toilet.”

Our first pub in Erdington was The Red Lion, the heritage pub that Daz wanted to tick off. Just 3 minutes walk from the station. “It was built in 1899” Daz said. “Hmmm. Convenient” I said. “Highgate Brewery opened the year before. The elders of the town must have demanded somewhere to drink this goodness from Walsall.”

Daz headed in while I fannied around outside taking pictures. He got the beer and we sat down. “It’s really friendly in here” he said. “Everyone said hello when I walked in.” “They all ignored me” I replied. Yeah, I told them to.”

Initial thoughts were that the pub interior, especially the tiled bar reminded me of The Bartons Arms. It’s been that long since I’ve been in there though so I could be talking utter shit. Wouldn’t be the first time. Music was varied starting with The Kooks and at one point “YMCA” got an airing. “Shall we get up on the table and do the dance?” asked Daz. I’ve done this dance on my own in front of a packed Prince Of Wales theatre audience, but wasn’t reeally feeling it at this point.

There were two model skeletons behind the bar – well I assume they were models. I instructed Daz to find out their names. I was never going to ask and as the locals liked him so much it would have been better for him to ask. Daz said his Guinness was the best he’d had in a long time. Really good pub this and a great start to the day.

We headed back the way we came. Daz spotted The World Karate & Kickboxing Association. He wondered why it was here, above a dessert shop in Erdington rather than the far East. I pondered if they have tournaments and the winner gets a Lemon Meringue from downstairs. I started regretting only going to two karate lessons as a kid as referenced in last week’s blog.

Next up was The Swan. My mate Cara worked here for 18 months in the 90’s and was included on my only previous Erdington crawl that myself, Cara and her now husband Paul did back in the day. I made a friend on the way in who loved my Donkey Kong t-shirt. I was amazed at a sight on the bar though. A hot pork scratching dispenser. Never seen one of these before. It had to be done. Delighted to announce that they were great. They are the future. I did’t think that I am future ready but maybe I am. Ray Gray Snacks need to get one or two of these at Bescot Stadium. They’d sell shitloads. The queues would be longer than for the beer. Actually that’s pushing it a little. That Bescot Bar beer queue takes some beating, especially when the match is shit.

Another new thing for us both in here was a sign advising of an app where you can pay for and select songs on the jukebox from your phone. How amazing. You could put on your most embarrassing guilty pleasures and nobody would have a clue. Genius. It’ll no doubt take me 30 years to get this app. By then you’ll probably be able to press a button and the band will appear in front of you to play the song. Actually, I’m already seeing problems with this prediction. I doubt I’ll be presenting Tomorrow’s World any time soon. Anyway, this pub was very busy and quite frankly, great.

We were strolling to Wetherspoons and I spotted something across the road. “Pound Bakery.” I declared. “You read my mind. Shall we?” Daz replied. It was motion carried. Get some hot pastry goodness in me. We were served quickly by two friendly ladies, but then Daz was offered some freebies. Festive Bakes and something else that I didn’t catch the name of. The one lady said that they were trying to get rid of them. I’d spent double what Daz did. Why was he getting freebies? Perhaps they thought I’d got more than enough food, which was true to be fair.

I raised this as we walked round the corner. Daz was also puzzled but said he’d share them with me. “I’m still boycotting the place” was my response. We started to share boycotting stories as he is as up for this course of action as I am. He opened the bag of freebies and offered me one. “I don’t know if I’m too offended to have one or if I should just to show them.” “If I chuck them in the bin, would that make you happy?” he asked. This made us both laugh. His question was academic anyway as he polished them all off before I’d finished my purchases.

Next up was Wetherspoons. The Charlie Hall, possibly the only Spoons where the name is a hybrid of two Walsall FC midfielders from the 24/25 season. We found a table and Daz decided to order via the app. 20 minutes later and we still had no drinks, whilst a couple that walked in with us got their food in half the time. Daz went up the bar and sorted it out. I think me ordering a latte had caused a glitch in The Matrix. Decent enough Spoons this with toilets on the same level.

We continued our walk and saw a shop with it’s own sort of market outside. There was a box of Just Eat shirts. I didn’t believe this until I checked the packaging. “Oh God Daz, just think of the mischief that we could get up to with these. I could walk into McDonald’s in the morning, point at the screen and say I’m here to collect that. Then get outside and moan bloody hell George, you could have ordered a double sausage and egg McMuffin.” I just need to point out here that I would never steal another persons breakfast. This was in jest. Another man’s double Fillet O’Fish on the other hand…My next idea was for us to be the Just Eat strippers. Turn up at hen do’s with food and then undress a bit. Yeah I’m realistic enough to know the woman would only want the food part from me.

Our last Erdington pub was The Church Tavern. Daz had said that this would be the most me pub of the day. I like surprises but this time I decided to check my usual pub website. Only 3 reviews and none of them great. The most positive was from a guy that said it was a locals pub with local language but he didn’t feel threatened. Another said it was “a poor excuse for a pub” and the first one came with guidelines. Don’t go in if you’re alone, a single woman or a wimpy person. (I used to be a Wimpy person but then the one in Walsall became a Burger King.) He continued that he got mutterings and stared at when entering in and (quoting Angry People In Local Newspapers off Facebook here) used the “vows never to return klaxon.” I will point out that that review was 15 years ago and the other two from 2015. I knew straightaway that I wanted to visit this pub.

There were people in the doorway so I loitered over the road trying to get a decent picture without them in. This caused annoyance to a lady with a pram who rocked up alongside me, hoping to cross the road. She clearly didn’t expect this rotund person to be loitering and fannying around with his phone, blocking her view of oncoming traffic. We both made it across safely. I then took a close up shot anyway.

I got a “hello” from a local on the way in. I was liking it already. It was busy but we soon clocked there was a 60th birthday going on for a lady called Alison. The dj was playing some great songs from “You Got It” by Roy Orbison to “Walk Away Renee” (Four Tops version), and also some Black Sabbath as a nod to the local hero Ozzy Osbourne.

The buffet was declared open by the dj but nobody went up. In Walsall a queue forms before the first bit of cling film has been fully removed. Eventually some people did after an hour.

We stayed much longer than planned as it was so good in there. Daz cleared all the cans of Red Stripe whilst I had just a couple of Carlings. At one point a barmaid on glass collecting duty dropped one in front of me. I immediately bent down to pick it up while Daz pooed himself thinking somebody had thrown it.

We had a great time in here and it was easily pub of the day from me. We departed and started to walk back, discussing the day. “All great pubs” Daz started “but if I come to Erdington again and could only do 3 pubs, I’d miss the Wetherspoons.” “Yeah” I agreed, “I’d miss the Wetherspoons and the Pound Bakery.” At this precise moment, Daz – whose eyes are better than mine saw further up the road. “Has somebody thrown paint up the Pound Bakery?” Whilst not up the shutter, someone had definitely had an accident right outside with some gloss. “I actually think you did it” said Daz. “Great, you’re supposed to be my alibi.”

We missed a train by seconds but didn’t have to wait long for the next one and it gave us chance to speculate if that lady at Duddeston had made it Lichfield. We both thought no. We changed at Aston this time. Upon taking the street walk to the other side, I said I’d take the lift. Daz looked at the stairs and said “race ya.” He won but I think it nearly killed him. I settled for the Silver medal and still being able to breathe.

The train was one of those new ones but the token out of order toilet was still present. Upon arriving back at Walsall we both needed the loo. I suggested a piss and pint pit stop in The Red Lion but Daz wanted to go more central. Upon reaching The Tap And Tanner we both dashed to the loo. Daz may have won the race at Aston but was a distant second here. I had no desire to round of a good day by toileting myself.

The Tap sells Inch’s Cider so it was one of those for me. There was also one pack of Bacon Fries left on it’s display card looking sad and miserable so I purchased it. Daz only had a couple of these. Must have still been full from his free goodies.

It was good in The tap. We were joined by Liz, Daz’s missus who I’d not met before and she was lovely. She happily listened to my now numerous travel wishes, even being up for one or two of them. There was a slight incident when a glass collected tried to take mine while there was still a bit of Cider left in it. I quickly stopped her and necked it. I shouldn’t moan. It’s been a while since a woman has tried to grab my Inch’s.

I said my goodbyes and popped to The Walsall Arms for one. Jodi was dj’ing and doing a request a song night. Requesting a song for me is like cracking open a tube of Pringles. Once I’ve popped, I can’t stop. I was only having a quick night cap so couldn’t hang around while Jodi worked through my Live Aid length list of requests. As I type this, a week later I realise in hindsight that had Daz been with me I should have requested “Paint” by Roxette and “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy to continue the main talking point of the day.

Final nightcap came courtesy of Danny’s Chicken. Not been in here since May and they must be missing me as I recently got a leaflet through my door. Not that they know where I live but it was a sign in my eyes. The lad was pleased to see me and gave a decent piece of chicken for free with my order. Hence no paint on the pavement outside Danny’s.

Superb day this, cheers Daz for asking me along. We never did find out the names of the skeletons in The Red Lion though. I guess we’ll have to go back soon. Is there a Greggs in town perchance?

The Robin Hood in Willenhall won Walsall CAMRA’s Pub Of The Year in 2024, and retained the title this year. However this time they made it a double by winning the West Midlands County Pub Of The Year in the next round. Absolute fair play and I believe it’s the first time that this particular accolade has come to Walsall since The Black Country Arms won it in 2015. Even The Sheriff Of Nottingham would have his work cut out trying to quell this Robin Hood’s success.

I am something of a disciple to Salopian and was chuffed that when they moved to their new brewery, Walsall CAMRA were the first group to be invited and I got a free bottle of my favourite beer Lemon Dream on the way out. I’d already bought two as well.

Josh and I regularly pass the pub when we drop off his wife at work and he’s said numerous times how much he’d like to tick it off as he’d never been in. I told him about this award presentation and the entertainment being provided and that I’d really like to have a go at the Archery. He called me Fryer Tuck which is probably quite fitting. Despite this, because I’m such a dumb ass, it still took until 2 days after the presentation for me to make the link between the pub name and archery. Sometimes I need flashing neon lights to spell things out for me.

Last Sunday was presentation day. I was letting YouTube do its thing so song choices were random so my shirt ironing music on this occlusion was “Glory Of Love” by Peter Cetera, from the film The Karate Kid. Great song and always reminds me of my couple of karate lessons as a kid when my parents were trying to find anything that I was interested in or good at. They failed on both counts. I didn’t really take to karate and looking back it would have felt like a bit of a scam buying all those different coloured belts when I’d have been happiest in the white one.

I stopped off at McDonalds en route. Purely because I’d heard there is now a limited edition double Fillet O’Fish. A while ago I was told you could customise your double sausage and egg McMuffin on the selection machine and add an extra sausage. I tired this straight away. I tried to customise a Fillet O’Fish with double sea goodness next time I was in but the option wasn’t there, so I had to dive on this opportunity. It was amazing. The triple sausage and egg McMuffin on the other hand was too much and has not been repeated. I walked out bouncing with all that additional Omega 3 surging through me.

The 529 was on time and we were soon hurtling through Bentley. I knew my journey was nearly done when I head the announcement “next stop, Warwick Avenue.” I always start singing the Duffy hit of the same name at this point. I’d like to think that I’m not the only person who does this but I probably am.

If you’ve not been here before it is a Black Country Ales pub so plenty of hand pulls and amazing looking cobs. Ideal if you’ve not had a double fillet O’Fish on the way. It’s on The Crescent, that road from Darlaston to Willenhall that brings you out by the McDonalds. If you’re on the 529, get off by the Sikh Temple. You’ll just be getting to the chorus of Warwick Avenue by then.

Ambling down The Crescent. I heard “Evo.” Josh and his entourage where already there. I stopped to take pub photos whilst Josh, his wife Lyndsey and their 3 kids headed inside. Inside it was standing room only. Josh and co headed outside whilst I found the Walsall CAMRA Merry Men that were in attendance. They were in the new extension that wasn’t there the last time I blogged about this pub in 2023. The wonderful Wendy and Paul who I’ve not seen for a couple of years were also in. Nice to see you both again.

We were soon joined by CAMRA’s West Midlands Regional Director Shelly Bentley and two of her friends. There were sporting new badges proclaiming “I’m a nice CAMRA member.” I’d like one of those badges but I’m sure nice isn’t the adjective that would be used on mine.

The presentation went well with speeches from Shelly and Alex. They got a well deserved ovation.

It was also announced at this point that due to the totally rubbish weather forecast, that both the Archery and Morris Dancing displays had been cancelled. This was slightly disappointing. The last time I had encountered Morris Dancers was at Birmingham Beer Festival a few years ago and they’d asked for people to join in. My mate Daz did but I was too scared. This time though I was up for it. I’d worn my second baggiest shirt to stoop people seeing my moobs bouncing up and down whilst doing this. This shirt is also one of my smartest. I was, you know, hoping that there might be a Maid Marian in the pub hoping to find her erm Fryer Tuck.

I was also hoping to have a go at the Archery, even though my recent attempts at Darts have been hopeless. I’d been practising singing Bryan Adams’s hit “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” to really set the mood while this was going on. Lucky escape for everyone else then.

Presentation over and I headed outside to find Josh and co, and a dj/singer took over the entertainment. The first song he played was “So You Win Again” pointing out this nod to the pubs awards success. He then started his singing duties with the excellent “Out Of Time” by Chris Farlowe up first, which he nailed.

Josh departed soon afterwards so I joined all the CAMRA folk who had now also headed outside. The nice-ish weather appeared to have clocked off for the day. The singer was belting out “The Sun Aint Gonna Shine Anymore”which certainly seemed feasible, for that day at least, with a glance skywards. The singers best song of the day was “Have I The Right?” by Dead End Kids. I’ve not heard this sung live since my Corroy Products colleague Carl randomly burst into a rendition of it around 1998. The 90’s weren’t all about Brit Pop.

The garden was busy, with a hog roast van also in attendance. Several wasps had also turned up to celebrate the occasion. Dennis managed to catch one in his glass. It took a shine to the remnants of his pint of Golden Thread. “Oh it likes real ale. We ought to sign him up as a member.” Fair play to Dennis, he takes his role as Membership Secretary very seriously. Whilst he was saying that I was thinking how marvellous, making wasps drunk and more aggressive whilst ponder if they would get “Nice CAMRA Member” badges. I think not.

At 4.23pm the heavens opened, and then opened some more. It absolutely pissed down. The garden emptied quickly. I’d say 98% of people got up and ran. It reminded me of the end of the Travis “Driftwood” video. There was only us and a group on another table left. I tried to stand under the umbrella but rain poured down my back. Bloody baggy shirt. Dennis told me to sit on the table which I did. If I’d had a fishing rod I’d have looked like a gnome.

By 4.50 the rain had stopped and it was glorious sunshine. Best weather of the day. The singer had now resumed dj duties and a fair few folk were dancing. I popped to the loo. A sign in front of me advised of a Subbuteo night. I loved playing that as a kid. I was shit but could be tempted by another game. Further along was a sign for (I think) weekly archery sessions. By the time I’d washed my hands, a man had come in and stood next to the sign. I paused to have a quick look but he turned round. He must have thought I was trying to look at his willy but I was honestly trying to read the sign. I’ll have a proper look at the Subutteo night.

I grabbed one last pint. The dj was now playing “Cha Cha Slide”. I’m usually straight in for a bit of this but everyone had stopped dancing and as I approached the decks the “one hop this time” line came on and I wasn’t doing that with a full pint.

At 5.20 we had a big clap of thunder. These got nearer. Dennis offered to get us both a taxi and pay for it. I offered to go halves but he refused so I ceased offering and resumed drinking.

We were soon back in The Black Country Arms. Keeping it corporate with Black Country Ales. After a quick one I headed home.

Superb day and well done again to The Robin Hood. Big shout out to all the barmaids too who had a very busy shift and certainly earned their wages. Good luck in the regional round to you all.

New Oriental Garden – 3A Beeches Road, Leamore.

Every now and then Rob Harvey will message and ask if I want Chinese. I say “yes, cheers” and he goes to this place and brings goodness to my house. It’s a well rehearsed format and works well. One day I said I’d like to pay a visit and give a review. So we did. Fair play to him, he drove from North of Walsall, to my house in South Walsall then took me here.

I was first out of the car as I had to take the usual picture. Much to my surprise and delight, there was a cat close by. This changed things. I needed a shot with him in. Rob was visibly less excited about the cat than I was. He just marched past it and into the empty shop. A couple of minutes passed where Rob could have been ordering, but no. I was still outside going all David Bailey on the cat.

I finally made it inside and started studying the starters. I heard the lady behind the counter say “what would you like?”. I thought give me chance love, only to then realise she was on the phone.

I went for curry chicken wings and the usual king prawn balls with sweet and sour sauce. Rob is well travelled and says he has never found better chicken and king prawn balls than this place so he had the mixture of those. I got my wallet out but Rob said “I’ll sort this out.” I tried to argue but he was having none of it so I shut up. I know when an argument is lost.

Initial observations. No television again. Perhaps it’s more common than I thought. There was still a Covid screen up on the counter but with the size of the place, enforcing the 2 metre social distancing may have been problematic.

The children’s meals caught my eye, especially the “Special Box” containing chicken nuggets, fish fingers, chicken wings, a sausage and chips. Pot of curry sauce and that would be bang on for me. I mentioned to Rob that I’d be having that next time. He said “it’s for kids. You aint got kids.” “Well, I’ll bring Patsy Kensit with me. Try and make it look a bit feasible that I’ve got a kid.” I started to eye up the set meals for 2 just in case this scenario happens.

With no tv to entertain, I went back outside to fuss the cat. It’s a shame that the Cat Reviewer account on Twitter is no more as the below pic would have got millions of retweets. Cat was ace, very friendly and accepted fuss. Would stroke again 9/10. I was summonsed back to the car with a class line of “come on you cat botherer.”

Back at mine and Rob unpacked whilst I just stood there looking very cool. They’d dropped a clanger as they’d put extra of my chicken wings in. Not exactly “bank error in your favour, collect £200” like in Monopoly but a nice little bonus. No food pic this time as what I’d had isn’t the most picturesque.

Rob had one of the spare wings and reported that they were very hot. I didn’t feel this. The king prawn balls were epic as were the wings. Proper enjoyed this. Mid munch though I suddenly realised that we didn’t get any free prawn crackers. I always grab a menu so I checked. Free prawn crackers on orders over £16. However the next line said free curry chicken wings on orders over £25. That explained the freebie. We had literally crept into level 2 of the bonus scheme. (Free prawn crackers and wings on order over £35.)

Great visit this. Place isn’t open on Tuesdays. Cat may still be available for fuss though.

Britannia Cafe, 18 Stephenson Square, Beechdale.

I’d got to have some 69 action. The bus service that is. I’ve used this bus a few times and had noticed this cafe, so on this occasion I decided to break up the journey and stop for brekkie en route.

I alighted the bus but my entrance was delayed as I loitered in the Sun listening to the Ten To The Top music quiz on Vernon Kay’s Radio 2 show. (I got 9 out of 10, only being let down by my lack of knowledge of the members of Little Mix.)

I was slightly confused upon sitting down as all the menus gave the address as Bloxwich making wonder if I’d got the wrong bus. There are 10 different breakfast options, so I just grabbed a smaller one than usual (I’m trying to lose weight – honest). This was £7.90 and came with a choice of tea, coffee or can of pop. I went for tea which is standard. I only drink coffee at work or in McDonalds.

Music was set low but we had some tunes like “Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong”. Classic. Breakfast came quickly and was really good.

Whilst munching a couple of blokes came in and one recognised me as a Walsall fan. He waited until I had a mouthful of food before striking up conversation. This happens to me a lot. Good chat though once I was able to respond.

Good visit this, the lady serving was friendly and courteous giving me a “see you soon” upon departure. As she may well do. But It’ll be the £8.50 breakfast next time.

Hing’s Welcome – 28A Allens Lane, Pelsall.

Back in the 80’s my parents best friends Mavis and Mike lived on Avon Crescent so we were regular visitors to Pelsall and I’d seen this row of shops millions of times but never been in any of them. Then recently my mate John mentioned that there is a Chinese takeaway amongst them and it’s really good. The rest is history. It would be nice to finally visit this row of shops and to get food and a review out of it too? Absolute bonus.

John picked me up and we headed over. He used to deliver for them so was greeted like royalty when we walked in. I’d done my research and needed no time to peruse before ordering spiced salt and pepper crispy chicken wings with a king prawn curry. I normally order chicken curry and as you know I fear change so this was a big thing for me.) John went for beef fried rice, and she always puts some curry sauce on top for him as standard. He still gets the staff benefits.

Entertainment was provided by a television showing Sky News and there was a copy of that days Daily Mail. A sign behind the counter advised the “10 Commandments For A happy Life.) I free styled and made number 11 “order salt and pepper chicken wings and king prawn curry. There was a fan on the counter which was very welcome.

Another customer walked in also called John. I suddenly felt out numbered. The John’s were taking over. There is never another Mikee walking around when you need one is there?

Food came quickly and we sped off. Absolute Radio treated us to some belters on the way back. The food smelt amazing and we got some extra time to enjoy the aroma as when we came past the Arboretum it seemed like the whole world and their mom was turning right into Mozzas. (I still called it Safeway to be honest but as this is a public blog I thought I’d better be professional and call it by its new name).

We got back to mime and saw that we’d got free prawn crackers. No clues on the menu as to what you have to spend so it could just have been because they love John. We sat up the table like civilised adults. I stuck YouTube on and we were treated to Kelly Clarkson covering the Sophie B. Hawkins classic “Damn I wish I was Your Lover”. One of my favourite ladies covering a song by one of my favourite ladies, whilst eating Chinese. Absolute perfection. Food was really good. Had I lived on Avon Crescent I could have easily seen me staggering out of The Red Cow of a night and heading into Hing’s Welcome. John, get your delivery job back please. You know where I live.

Moon Palce – 19 Old Birchills, Walsall.

I was a regular here when I lived on Lewis Street, sometimes popping out of the Rose & Crown, ordering food then going back in the pub for another pint while they cooked it. . One night, Woza had yet again get me out of another one of my self induced crisis’s so I offered to buy him a Chinese and I brought him here. He asked for an omelette. I was aghast. I pointed at the mossiv menu on the wall and said “all this nice food and you want omelette?”. Of course, muggins here had to go up the counter and order it. The woman serving was fummin and even a another customer was livid. In truth he probably didn’t give a shit but I told Woza he was anyway just as it suited my narrative.

Anyway, I didn’t go back in after omelettegate and moved back to this side of town shortly afterwards. 10 years had passed so I said to Woza “geez.” Most of my conversations with him star like that. I said I wanted to review this place and if I paid would he come with me. He agreed. I asked Jase at Katz if we could munch there which was agreed to and off we set.

The trip from my house to Moon Palace was slightly held up by an articulated lorry complete with trailer doing a U turn on Stafford Street, which was somewhat captivating, but we were soon at our destination. Well it’s been painted in the last decade. It’s now very orange. “you’ve been Tangoed” was Woza’s opening observation.

I’d announced en route that just for banter and investigative journalism purposes, that I’d be trying the omelette. I’ve took the piss out of Woza many times since that night but now I wanted to see how it was.

We were greeted warmly by the lady who commented that she hadn’t seen us before. Woza stepped up an took charge of the conversation, explaining my past usage. “Nice to have you back” she concluded. So I ordered. King prawn omelette. It felt odd. I asked Woza what he wanted. “Chicken and mushroom omelette.” The woman looked taken aback. “You’re both having omelette?” she queried. She must have thought we were very odd and she’d have had a point. Our two omelettes and a pot of curry sauce came to £20.50. I had notes in my wallet but the only coin on me was a 50p. It was clearly meant to be.

She disappeared intot he back and I surveyed. No television or newspaper for entertainment so I studied the large menu on the wall. Free small bag of prawn crackers on orders over £13 and a large bag on orders over £18. I like the 2 tier approach here, especially as we’d hit band 2.

Woza having omelette again did puzzle me so I asked “do you not like Chinese food geez?” “I sort of like curry” was the response. Not enough to have it though.

Food came quickly. The lady gave a “hope to see you again” I was brave and attempted a funny. “I’ll try not to leave it 10 years next time, which did get a laugh out of her along with a “hopefully I’m still here in 10 years.”

We headed to Katz and tucked in. “How is your omelette geez?” Woza asked. I was honest. “It’s really good. But I’m not having it again. Back on the proper food next time I go there.” I asked how his was. “yeah, it’s alright.” Channelling his inner Keith from The Office there. He congratulated me on having the most expensive omelette available. He knows better than most how much of a penny pincher I used to be.

Good visit this and I will go back. Won’t leave it a decade else I’d be 61 by then and I aint waiting that long to try the curry samosa starter which did intrigue me.

This place isn’t open on Mondays and it’s cash only according to the menu.

After a pleasant hour in Katz, Woza dropped me off and I waved him off with a large unopened bag of prawn crackers. Never done that before. I did offer to share but he was having none of it. I didn’t argue.

Saira’s Grill – 45 Birchills Street, Walsall.

On Friday, I was meeting Mase, Swill, Chris and Mart in The Rose & Crown in a straight from work jobbie. Only been in this place once and it had a different name back then. I’ve gone through the years on streetview on Google Maps and neither of the names that it had during my time living in Lewis Street leaped out. Anyway, it’s a straight road out of The Manor Hospital to here so I perusing the menu just minutes after clocking out.

There are 34 deals listed on the wall behind the counter. I’d got to number 3 when I was asked what I wanted. I just went for a 8 inch pepperoni pizza at £4. Not one of the 34 deals.

No music in here but that was fine. I’d had plenty of tunes during the workday as we’d had Radio X on. The food came out and the man asked if I wanted any sauces. I declined. I was only having pizza. He seemed genuinely taken aback. “No sauce?”. I confirmed this but accepted serviettes instead.

The pizza was good. Couldn’t fault it for 4 quid. I might come here again next time I’m on a straight from work mission. Good visit and I then had a nice amble up Dalkeith Street, which is where my parents moved to after they got married. Good times.

The Teapot Cafe – Walsall Wood FC, John Sylvester Stadium, Walsall Wood. Reviewed 25/06/25

Saw a post for this on the Brownhills Bob Facebook group and thought why the hell not? I jumped on the 10 and got off a stop early. Standard for me in Walsall Wood. I always get the wrong stop there. Oh well, it was a nice day and I was in no hurry.

I didn’t really know where I was going. I’ve been to the ground once, this was for a Walsall CAMRA meeting in the clubhouse a few years ago, I got a lift and it was dark. I just knew it was behind KFC.

I found the KFC and took a left. As I approached I thought this cafe is a bit off the main road. Wonder if it gets much use.

I was caught taking a picture outside by a man, I presume to be the owner who was wheeling in a large shipment of mushrooms (I think – I only glanced, I was concentrating on my shot). I quickly waffled an excuse that I’d seen this place on Facebook and was checking it out.

Once inside it was clear that there is footfall. It was busy with workers, casual customers and a large group celebrating a birthday. Not sure what age. There was an 8 and a 1 balloon but the slight breeze through the open door meant they wouldn’t keep still. They eventually settled on a 1-8 formation and to be fair there didn’t look anyone 81 in the group but if I live to see that age, I want my morning breakfast there.

No menus on the tables just a sizeable board on the wall with 3 breakfast types. I disregarded the smaller two and went for the jumbo option at £8.50 asking them to hold the tomatoes and mushrooms. Apologies to the man if he had been wheeling mushrooms in, there was no need on my behalf.

Breakfast came quickly and I was puzzled as a second one was plonked down opposite me. Was there a buy one get one free going on? I’d have been all over that but I called the waitress and basically fessed up that I was dining on my own. I would have added that I haven’t yet got Patsy Kensit to join me for breakfast but I doubted she’d know who she is. The spare brekkie was quickly on its way to its forever home.

Break fast was ace. The toast was not cut in half. They deserve a Michelin star just for this. I’ve never known a cafe not cut the toast, and I don’t cut my sandwiches so I was all over this. Let us decide how we want our toast yeah? And don’t start me on cafes that cut it in to non matching triangles. I don’t want triangles. I aint Pythagoras.

I really enjoyed the breakfast and there was a nice buzz about the place with songs from Pet Shop Boys, Pat Benatar, Savage Garden and also “Band Of Gold” – sorry the artist won’t come to me but because I know that I know it, I’m not allowed to Google it.

The fridge looked good with Apple Tango and those glass bottles of orange juice that the milkman used to deliver available. The condiment shelf had enough bottles of sauce to make a Wetherspoons jealous. There is even a choice of sweeteners for your tea too, I went for one out of a white dispenser.

The toilet is a one man at a time affair but I clocked this so timed my visit perfectly. I just missed the 10 bus back to Walsall and the next one took 45 minutes to arrive but I won’t let that put me off attending again. Superb place

The Boathouse, Park Road, Rushall. Reviewed 29/06/25.

I woke up on this Sunday in a seriously I can’t be arsed with anything mood. It took me an hour to make coffee. I finally made it onto Facebook and saw a post in Common People for The Boathouse Sunday dinners. I was in. Craig had stopped over at mine, I mentioned it to him and he offered me a lift. Motion carried – sorry given a lift there.

I knew what I was having straight off so no fannying around upon arrival. Straight up the bar and ordering chilli garlic prawns starter and an XL roast. Mug of tea also. I was advised of a 20 minute wait for the food. Absolutely no issue with this. It was nice to be advised of it though.

I’m no stranger to this pub – hadn’t been in for a while though but this was my first experience of eating there other than demolishing the buffet at Woza and Becky’s party in 2017.

The tea was first to arrive and sweeteners were brought along which was nice. The dispenser gave me two, must have known I only like even numbers. I’d said the food could all come out together and it was ace. I could eat prawns all day long and would have happily took another bowl of these outside afterwards to eat by the canal. The Sunday dinner was, well XL like it said in the brochure. Sausage on a Sunday dinner was a first. I ran out of gravy early on but a nice member of staff came over to ask if I needed anything and another boat was quickly rustled up.

Music was mainly 80’s from a tv channel that I couldn’t clock the name of, with a random modern hit in the form of Hand & Heart by Joel Corry and MNEK which is an absolute belter.

This was a great visit. All the staff were friendly and courteous. The lad serving the food was great and looked proper chuffed at my feedback that the pork was amazing, promising that he’d go and relay it back to the Chef. I need to be honest now. I’m on a diet at the moment, yeah don’t sound like it. But I was going to have a little break from it and have the cheesecake, but I’d done my research and knew that the hourly 997 back into Walsall was due so I left it at the 2 courses.

They do food on other days too, check out the Facebook page. I’ll go back. I need that cheesecake.

Moghul Palace, 4 Norton Road, Pelsall. Reviewed 04/07/25.

I dragged Swill out for this one. Well in truth he didn’t need much dragging. I jumped on the number 9 bus, which was a first. I’m quite up on Walsall bus routes but had no idea there was a number 9. Only found out when I was researching times. It took a bizarre route though. By the time we finally reached Pelsall I was starting to wonder if I’d ever see family and friends again.

I met Swill in The Railway. He wanted The Old House At Home, I was pushing for The Queens so this was the compromise option.

After a couple of pints, and a bit of Emma Raducanu action on the big screen we set off for curry. We are no stranger to this place. We used to have our annual quiz team night out here until Alan, the Pelsall resident of the group moved away.

Moghul Palace is unlicensed so Swill marched across the road to get supplies whilst I walked in bang on 9pm which was the time I’d booked it for. Swill soon joined me with grave news. They had no Cobra where he’d gone. “Didn’t you tell them we were having curry?” I asked. Swill cracked the bottles open and served. The results were stunning in a way. My pint was frothier than a bath with a whole bottle of Mr Matey thrown in.

It’s the law that you have to have 2 poppadoms each so these were quickly ordered along with a fish pakora starter for me and chicken chat for Swill. Typical of him. He can have a chat anywhere.

The poppadoms came quickly. Swill seemed keen on getting some onion in my diet by depositing some of this in both poppadom dips. He then went on to play around with the touch activated lamp, going through all the different settings. I still had poppadoms left when the starters came out and Swill took the piss. I really am not a quick eater. I like to savour my food.

My fish pakora was amazing. Swill said his chicken chat was like a main course. We were both intrigued by the green thing the starters were served on. Swill tried a bit to see if it was edible. He deduced it was and ate the lot. I tried a bit and walked away from the experiment. He asked the waiter what it was only to be told it was a banana leaf and just used for decorative purposes. I tried to eat some of the salad on mine, also to Swill’s amusement. I’m still new to this healthy eating lark.

I still had poppadum left when the mains came out. I’d had chicken balti with no tomato or onion, along with a cheese naan. This was very quickly despatched, even with how I eat.

The bill came to £48.20 which was decent, there was also a free chocolate for both of us. Swill mentioned that a free shot would have earned a bonus point. “Yeah, they are not licensed Swill.” “Oh yeah.” Then again, you have to have a licence to sell alcohol but to give it away? This needs looking into. We also got the basket with facial wipes which included an extra one. “You can use that one to wipe your balls” said Swill. Hmmmm things I’ve got no intention of doing in a curry house number 2053 – wiping my bollocks with a warm facial tissue.

Swill checked out the loos, to see if the music was on in there to match the nice ambience in the restaurant. He does like to film himself dancing in curry house toilets. He came back with the news that the music isn’t in there and docked a point for this,

We still had a bottle of booze left so he cracked it open, and this time served it in a way that it bubbled over and went everywhere. Upon this being dealt with, it was then in his opinion my turn to play with the lamp and he took pictures of each setting. The waiter caught me doing this and thought I was really odd.

We departed and had a pint in The Queens. Swill left his umbrella somewhere – standard for him and then he sorted taxi’s. He’s got Uber on his phone where as I’m still a ask the barmaid for a number (hers or taxi company’s). Yeah fakey news corner. I’ve never had the balls to ask a barmaid for her number. Swill found that after ordering my Uber, it wouldn’t let him order one for himself but this was resolved once I’d been picked up. Decent curry visit this. Will go again. But I’ll get the number 8 bus next time.

Back in February I met my mate Chris for a drink. A couple of days earlier I’d seen that Sophie B. Hawkins who sang one of my favourite songs “Right Beside You” in 1994, was performing at a pub in Kings Heath, Birmingham in a few months. I was no doubt running round like a madman at the time so didn’t give it another thought. Chris had seen it too and asked if I wanted to go. I couldn’t say “yes” any quicker. He purchased the tickets and refused my attempt to pay for mine. Top man.

We discussed her, and he only knew the 3 big singles. My aforementioned favourite, “Damn, I Wish I was Your Lover” and “As I Lay Me Down.” Fast forward a couple of months, and he said he didn’t fancy going all that way for just 3 songs. He had got Pulp two days later so I totally understood.

So I had a spare ticket. I knew straight away who I was asking. Another Chris. Other Chris’s are available. This Chris has been on Popmaster twice, and the only other gig he has been with me to he was also a stand in on a spare ticket, that one for Belinda Carlisle a couple of years ago.

When I next saw him I asked “how are you with Sophie B. Hawkins?” He responded in song with 4 words. “Always, right beside you.” He was hired immediately.

In the build up we made basic travel plans. The 50 bus to Kings Heath was necessary. The contentious issue was getting to Birmingham. I wanted train. Chris liked the thought of the bus claiming that a picture of me, a 51 year old in front of the 51 bus would be good. Despite hating having my picture taken, I never turn down a photo opportunity but I wasn’t feeling this one. He suggested the bus numerous times but we eventually agreed on the train.

On the day I decided to go smart casual. It’s usually t-shirts when I go to gigs but thought I’d make a bit more of an effort this time, opting for one of my favourite white shirts. I’ve been to plenty of gigs where beer has been thrown around but I didn’t think that would be the case on this occasion. I wasn’t getting moshing to Metallica at Download vibes from my fellow gig goers this time.

Shirt ironing song of choice was Crystal by New Order. Great song and fun fact, the video is where Brandon Flowers got the inspiration for his band name. Maybe I should have played some Sophie but that completely slipped my mind. (Playing “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” as I type this though.)

Chris wanted an early start which I wasn’t feeling having travelled back from Glossop already that day but we arranged a rough 4.30 meet up. Chris was at the railway station first. He presented me with a Strawberry Cornetto. I thanked him but threw in “this is random even for you Chris.” He explained how he’d got to town, fancied an ice cream but saw the queue at the van for it. Checked the prices and decided it would be quicker and cheaper to go to Heron and buy a box. He’d also given one to the lovely lady in the ticket office. A Cornetto that is.

We were at New Street at 5.15. About 3 hours after I’d arrived there earlier. It was all too soon but needs must. Chris had a pub in Snow Hill in mind. He announced we were getting the Metro there. I queried this but he wanted full use out of his £8.80 day saver, and I can certainly get on board this that sentiment.

There was a tram already outside New Street so we jumped on board. I scanned for space, I couldn’t see any but will admit to being distracted by a nice looking lass who was fanning herself. I took a step back and felt something. I’d backed into a lady that I hadn’t noticed in the slightest. I was horrified. I apologised immediately. “I’m so sorry.” She ignored this so I repeated it in a louder voice swapping the so for really. I got a begrudging smile.

I was thankful when the tram pulled into the next stop and people got off so I dived onto the seat next to the lady with the fan but was totally relieved when we got to Snow Hill so we could alight to give it a posh word.

We were heading to The Royal. Chris asked if I’d been here before. I said it didn’t ring any bells but if I had it would have been in 2011 when Woza and I did Snow Hill on Pub 365 Challenge volume 1. (I checked my notes and yes, we did it on 15/01/11 when it was called Old Royal and my notes were “shit music eventually turned round by the band Courteeners)

Chris had done a job here recently hence how he knew the place and the barmaid Joanne remembered him so he got a rapport with her going. He paid for the food and my pint of Inch’s. I’m trying to cut down on my eating so just went for a starter of crispy coated king prawns with a side of chips. He tried to make me have something more substantial but I turned this down. I’ve really changed.

Food came quickly and was really good but I did give his steak a couple of surreptitiously envious glances. They’d told us upon arrival that the place was closing at 6.30 for a private function, a corporate jobbie by their bosses but we had time for another round. Again Chris obliged with the cost. Joanne provided table service with him commenting that it felt a bit Covid time bar restriction like.

Chris was having a good flirt with Joanne. I’d reverted to my default setting of sitting there quietly. He was promising to give her and the place a good review online which she was really happy with and she walked off smiling. She returned a couple of minutes later and declared to Chris “I’ve got something for you.” This grabbed both of our attentions. “Oh yes?” She handed him a card with a QR code on for him to scan to leave the review. He sighed and said “that’s about as close as I’m getting to her number.”

This second pint was also going down well but afforded more chat as there was no food to distract us. Popmaster cropped up. As per usual he gave me that days name 3 in 10 (seconds) and this time it was Backstreet Boys. I sat back and awaited for the plaudits. I said “Everybody” – standard as it’s my no 1 karaoke anthem, and then my mind went blank. I could see Blink 182 parodying the “I Want It That Way” video but nothing else would come. Think that’s the first time I’ve failed this, well with Chris anyway. Craig may have other ideas.

We departed. We were probably the last people to leave the now closed pub. It felt like one of those early closing times during Covid. Bizarre. Chris wanted more day saver use so we got the train from Snow Hill to Moor Street and the 50 was in.

First stop off the 50 was The Pub At Kings Heath. Now 5 years old apparently but still feels new. Chris commented that it used to be a JJB Sports. “Got more chance of getting me in nowadays.” I replied. Music was good with Kings Of Leon and The Killers being represented. Staff and locals were friendly and Walsall FC anthem “One Step Beyond” coming on just as we were finishing our drinks was ace.

It was Hare & Hounds time. I’ve only been here once, a few years ago. Maybe just before Covid? Not sure though. I don’t keep diaries. I aint Adrian Mole. That visit was just a wacky one pinter. This visit was shaping up to be different. There was lots of seating, both outside and on the road opposite and lots of it was being used in the late Spring Sun.

No Carling inside, just a lager named after the pub. Chris bought crisps – standard for him, but from a company I didn’t know. He then couldn’t open the pack and asked me to. Never been asked this before. I glanced around in case any hotties were watching. I didn’t mind Chris struggling, but I didn’t want any witnesses if I also failed. I opened them piece of piss, which was a relief. Strange thing to be chuffed about though. Managing to open crisps.

Chris asked me what the B in Sophie B. Hawkins stands for. “Ballantine” I said straight away. “I did not know that” he replied. That is so coming up next time he is on Popmaster. I then followed up with “mate, if I go for a piss and she asks that, and you’re the only one who gets it right and you get called up on stage for a snog, I’ll be hashtag fummin.” Yes, I actually said “hashtag.”

We headed upstairs, and found a great spot, right by the toilets, handy for me but also with a cracking view. And then, as has happened at so many gigs, someone taller stood right in front of me, this time a minute before she was due out. “Fuck sake George.” I muttered to myself. Then, and this is so out of character for me that I actually surprised myself, but I tapped him on the shoulder and asked him to move (politely too). He did and stood next to Chris, and stayed there all night. Always, right beside you Chris. He held his phone aloft filming all through the gig so I’m glad he moved.

Sophie came out, she ran from the passageway to the gents which puzzled me, but straight past me and Chris. Upon stage she burst straight into “Right Beside You.” Amazing. This was what I’d come for. So glad I didn’t miss kick off. It was a great performance and I loved it. Box ticked. There could be a power cut now and I’d still go home happy. After the song she explained about how the video was banned in Germany due to the scenes where she is on the horse. She used a word that I didn’t know or remember that was what the ban was called. So if anyone in Germany is reading (hi Ralph) here you go.

At the start of the 3rd song she said “this is a new track, let’s see if it’s got legs.” Turned out instead to be “As I Lay Me Down”, one of her biggies. During this one she took to thrusting the mic to audience members for them to join in. The bloke in front of me was one of them. Probably for the best that it wasn’t me. I’d have given it portions but people watching the live dvd might have been shocked at my ropey accent suddenly blasting out. As the song ended, a bloke behind me shouted “the best song ever.”

There was stories in between songs, mostly about the music but other bits. Like how she loves the UK but asked why the toilets are always so far from the dressing rooms. Someone shouted “wait till you go to Wetherspoons.” Sohpie’s co-musician Belinda commented “yeah but Wetherspoons is cheap.”

The last song of the regular set was “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” – her biggest hit. She said as soon as she wrote it she knew it was going to be big but that her friends didn’t like it. Commenting “my friends are dumb.”

She was on just over an hour I reckon, I made it through without a toilet break – I wasn’t risking missing that quiz question, but darted straight there at the end. Only a 3 man trough and a cubicle so there was a bit of a wait and I had to do a quick rendition of my I need a piss dance. I made it back out and Chris was outside the door. “You’ve just missed her.” he said “she was just here. This lad was talking to her and I was thinking come on Evo come on Evo, and I’ve just shook her hand. You missed her by 10 seconds.” Fuck sake. I’d have been washing my hands so at least those 10 seconds were spent productively. I could have been failing to name 3 Backstreet Boys songs instead. Anyway, here’s some pics that I took during the gig.

She’d gone back into the main room and was doing a meet and greet and signing things. We had a quick COBRA meeting. There was a bus due. and knowing how unreliable they are I didn’t want to risk the next one not turning up so I suggested we depart. “You sure?” Chris asked. “Mate, I’ve seen her sing Right Beside You and she was so close I could have touched her. I’m happy.”

We deduced that getting the bus now would afford us a very quick drink back in Brum but then getting us the penultimate train home, giving time for one in Wetherspoons back in Walsall. Absolute plan.

The bus was slightly late but it wasn’t long before we were back at Moor Street. “We could still get the 51” Chris said. “Chris, you’re obsessed with the 51.” He explained that the 51 would get me close to my house whilst the train would be a good walk. This fell on deaf ears. I was far too excited for technicalities, plus I liked the thought of getting a signed ball from some Network Rail staff to mark my 3rd arrival at New Street that day..

We had a quick half in the newish Wetherspoons then headed for the train. Back in Walsall, just to keep Chris happy I said I’d get the 51 home after Wetherspoons. He commented that it was in 47 minutes or the nest one was at 4.26am. I said if I missed the one in 47 minutes I’d just wait for the next one. Those 4 hours would fly by and would probably be quicker given how long it takes me to walk up Church Hill nowadays.

On the little walk, Chris brought up the issue of Sophie’s sexuality. I said “she certainly likes the ladies but on Wikipedia it says she classes herself as omnisexual.” “What does that mean?” I had no idea and maybe should have researched it. “Perhaps she only likes doing it during the Eastenders omnibus.” It was the best I could come up with at such short notice.

In Wetherspoons Chris bought two packs of crisps. He opened these ok this time but then had about 3 of them. He went to get his bus and I walked up to Wishbone. By the time my pizza was ready the 51 had gone (sorry Chris) so I took a slow walk whilst munching. I was off work the next day so was in no hurry.

Brilliant night this. Cheers to Chris for the tickets and Chris for the company, food and drinks. As I lay me down that night I had a massive smile on my face. I’d always wanted to see Sophie B. Hawkins in concert, so it had that effect. Could have been the pizza though. Probably both to be fair.

As a side note as I listened to “Damn I Wish I was Your Lover” I saw one of the comments on YouTube and it was from a lass who fancied a bloke, so she bought a blank cassette, taped the song and sent it to him with no note. He asked if she’d sent it and hoped it was her. They’ve been together for 30 years now. I’ve just bought 100 blank cassettes and a shitload of jiffy bags off Ebay..

Back in the days of Pub 365 Challenge volume 3 (trying to have a beer in 365 pubs in 365 days, but not any of the ones ticked off in the first two volumes) I got bored early on. To try and get me interested again I started to throw in side challenges like trying to tick off every county in England (failed this part), making a snooker 147 break using pubs with the respective colours in their names (read about that one here) and also to visit 12 former Football League towns.

As part of that latter challenge, on St George’s Day in 2018 myself and a now ex friend went to visit Northwich, Stockport (now back in the league and in the division above my beloved Walsall FC), Stalybridge and Glossop. I’d planned this meticulously but unfortunately said former friend was determined to throw spanners in the works all day long and he was completely twatted by the time we reached Glossop. He pissed everyone off in the two pubs we went in. So I’ve always wanted to go back and see if either of us were banned from the town. So last Sunday I packed my bag and off I went.

The journey up was pleasant. Both escalators I needed to use at Birmingham New Street were working which is rare and I only had to cuss under my breath at one person. The train to Manchester was full of people heading to Soccer Aid so it was a good atmosphere. I had half an hour to kill at Manchester Piccadilly so just found a seat and relaxed. I had no ideal how therapeutic it is watching people running for trains. I was soon on the chuff chuff to Glossop. The Northern train was certainly a lot more modern than the last one which I used on the way to Workington in 2018. I thought that day we might have to put our feet through the floor like The Flintstones car.

There was some nice station names on the way like Guide Bridge, Broadbottom, Dinting, Flowery Field (I immediately thought of Flowery Twats like on Fawlty Towers) and also one called Godley. The next one should have been called Creme in my opinion. Especially as their song “Under Your Thumb” (a fave of mine since childhood), was set on a train. Some of the views were stunning and soon the Dark Peak the area where Glossop is based, came into view.

I’d booked the Travelodge, which was in the same converted mill building as the Wethspoons. Location location location. The receptionist was very friendly. There was a tray on the desk of the usual hot drink related sachets so I thought you had to take your own up so I did. Upon getting to my room, there was already some provided .I quickly realised the ones on the desk are for top ups. No wonder the security guard gave me a funny look when I helped myself. The lights worked without any of that putting your room card in a slot bollocks, so that was good.

I’d brought my own poncey Metabolism boosting tea bags, the first time I’ve taken my own supplies on a trip. I had one of those, along with a pod coffee and found Radio 2 on the television then just lounged around for a bit. It was nice to have some me time and the tunes were good. I’d been messaging Craig and had mentioned I was out soon but that Pick Of The Pops was playing songs from 1997. He replied saying go after “You’re Not Alone” by Olive. It won’t get any better than that. It came on as soon as I read the message and I departed shortly afterwards.

It was to be a low key mission on the first night, with just the two pubs we’d visited in 2018 and then the curry house by the hotel. First up was The Starr Inn, right outside the station. This was busy for a Sunday evening and the pint of Titanic Iceberg was in good nick.

Next up was The Globe. There was a quiz machine, now extinct in Walsall. It wasn’t working properly. Despite the large error message obscuring some of the answers for the first couple of rounds, and me getting an incorrect answer about the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. I made the final and went for landlocked countries. My best answer was Botswana scoring just one.

There was a Star Wars pinball machine so I had a couple of goes on that. I was disappointed though that there was no Chewbacca sound effects. I pondered hanging around and offering to do my impression of him for other players for just a small fee. I opted instead to sit at the bar, which I never do in unfamiliar pubs.

Earlier on LBC (about 3.45am) I’d heard an interview with author Ben Aitken who visited the UK’s least touristy cities and reviewed them in his book Shitty Breaks – which I’ve now ordered (title not meant to be disparaging, just a play on words. He lauds visiting the places). He’d said when in unfamiliar places, don’t use Google, ask locals for advice, get in amongst it as this is how you get stories, proper local goodness and learn things for travel writing. I never do this.

I imagined an invisible line close around my whole body, called this my comfort zone and then gingerly stepped out of it. I asked a couple for the best pub in Glossop. Unfortunately the couple were from Hinckley and Sheffield. We had a brief chat as I’ve been to both places, but they couldn’t help with my query as it was their first time here. Music was good in The Globe with “Fluorescent Adolescent” by Arctic Monkeys being the highlight.

I moved on. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast so it was curry time. I stopped to take a picture and asked a couple departing “any good?” they said it was amazing. I had high hopes. I asked for a chicken balti with no onions and tomatoes. I even had a tandoori chicken starter. I’m on holiday technically, sod it. Food was ace. The bill came to £28, which was good as I still had £30 sloshing around leftover from the Birmingham dining night.

To round the night off I popped to The Brook Tavern next door. One or two locals in putting the world to right and the £3.15 pint of Coors went down a storm with me. I did momentarily forget that I was in public and burst into a rendition of “Azizam” by Ed Sheeran as I walked in. Nobody batted an eyelid.

Day two started with breakfast. I’d seen this advertised outside The Norfolk Arms the day before and as I’d not had a full English since my birthday weekend in the middle of May, I was well up for this. The barmaid was friendly and soon having some banter with the locals. Breakfast came quickly and was really good. It soon got demolished. It cost £10.25 which was reasonable.

I visited the football ground next. Apologies to any residents of Surrey Street as they played “Nellie The Elephant” by Toy Dolls on Radio 2 and I joined in loudly. Glossop North End moved to Surrey Street in 1955. Suddenly I see why Marty McFly was so keen to go back to that year. The ground is about 15 minute walk from the town. It was hard to see inside the ground but I did have a peer through a gap in the gate. I tried to take a picture through this gap but it wasn’t happening. According to Wikipedia, Glossop is the smallest town to have a top tier football club having been in Division One (as it was back then) for a season in 1889-1900. Something my Walsal have not managed.

I had a mooch round the back and found a retail park with McDonalds, and a stunning back drop amongst other retailers. Walking back round the front I saw a couple of old ladies. One trying to look through the same gap that I had. I tried to strike up a conversation but they both looked scared so I pressed on.

I took a long walk down High Street West then headed back. After a relaxing few hours it was food time again. Wetherspoons calling. The Smithy Fold. As I mentioned earlier it is part of the same building as my hotel so much so that the same poles are in there. I wondered if the one in my room came down into here. I was already thinking of sliding down like a fireman for breakfast in the morning. I perused the menu but nothing really grabbed me so I went for the 3 chicken based starters for £7.49. I wasn’t having a mad night on the beer so didn’t need to fully line the stomach and I wanted to save some room for a pizza burger on the night.

I went up to order. The 3 starters and a latte came to £16. Normally I let things slide but I had to query this. “Oh you want the starters?” I confirmed this. “Do yo want sauce?” “Yeah I’ll have bbq please” and it came to 12 pound something. Again this didn’t sound right but I couldn’t query it twice so I grabbed my hot drink and went back to the table. Naturally for me I grabbed the menu straight away. Starters £7.49, latte £1.71 and bbq sauce 99p. I’m no mathematician but I couldn’t work out how this came to over £12. I deduced that he me must has misunderstood my accent and put something else in. I sat and wondered what was coming.

Whilst waiting I found a booklet for Wetherspoons hotels. I have never stayed in one of these and it is definitely on my to do list. I’m pondering a November Aldershot mission so I was chuffed to see that there is one in that town.

Food came quickly and there were 3 pots of bbq sauce, one with each starter. I thought that’s a bit excessive George. (To new blog readers, anybody I don’t know they automatically become George). It dawned on me I’d been charged for all 3 lots of sauce. One would have done but I made sure that I used most of it up and I stayed for 2 extra free latte refills to make up for it. I look forward to the year 2038 when radio adverts are full of “where you mis-sold bbq sauce in Wetherspoons?” I’ll claim for millions.

On my long walk earlier I’d found a pub called The Grapes. Same name as the pub in one of my favourite tv shows Early Doors. I Googled it and planned to get to it for opening time, like Tommy did in every episode. I got there early, so had to wait outside. It was on the main road out of town and lots of cars were about. There must have been loads of people pointing and tutting and muttering “look at him, waiting for the pub to open.” Oh well, I care not. It opened 2 minutes late. Tommy would have been moaning like he had to in one episode.

I stayed to watch The Chase which I’ve not seen for decades, with my best answer being to the question “which soap started with the line, all you’ve got to do now is get the sign writer in?” I shouted the answer (Corrie) before the options came up. Nobody was impressed. I supped up and said goodbyes but stopped on the way out to have a mooch in a little side part. One of the regulars came up and asked “are you alright?” I said that I was just being nosey but it must have looked like I was casing the joint.

Next up was The Friendship Inn. A pub I found near the football ground and it’s the closest so this is noted for if we play them in The F.A Cup. This pub grabbed me straight away. Barmaid was friendly and welcoming and the music excellent. As per normal I sat away from the crowd but as I finished my drink I opted to stay for a second and this time I sat at the bar. Again. Sitting at the bar in unfamiliar pubs 2 days running. I normally wallflower the place out.

Within a minute or so of my second pint being poured everyone had left. “Was it something I said?” I asked the barmaid. “I know yeah.” “I only ordered a pint.” She explained that this was the after work crowed going and that she now normally got an hour to herself before the 8 o’clock crowd came in. She was a decent lass and into her football too. Music continued to be good with Nelly Furtado, my 4th favourite song by The Killers (Mr Brightside) and my second favourite from September “Cry For You” all getting a whirl.

Next up was The Corner Cupboard. This was welcoming also with the barmaid and the trial price £3.50 Thwaites “Three Graces” both ticking that box. It was good in here als with Now 80’s on the television. Best song in here being Sotf Cell’s “Say Hello, Wave Goodbye.” The lyric “you’re used to wearing less and now your life’s a mess” always makes me smile. I did however mange to plonk myself at the one table that was earmarked for a Domino’s match but a man who I took to be the landlord, also a top bloke was apologetic upon asking if he could place the board down.

I hadn’t had much to drink by my standards but I was going to have one more as the Receptionist in the hotel had recommended a place the night before. The Oakwood. I hadn’t budgeted for that second pint in the The Friendship and was now out of cash. I hate paying by card but grovelingly asked, “can I pay by card please?” She smiled and replied “we only take card.” One of those all to rare everybody’s happy moments. Another decent pint but I was getting peckish.

The plan had been to have a pizza burger but when I got in there I saw it was £6.80 just for one topping so I opted for something cheaper elsewhere. I tried somewhere else and nothing grabbed me so walked back to the hotel but en route I saw two ladies outside a shop. Turned out it was a Chinese takeaway. I’d walked by it several times but didn’t realise what it was. The ladies confirmed they were locals and it was their place of choice so I thanked them and dived in. The lad behind the counter was decent. He asked if I was working at the casino. I said no and that I was on a little break and staying at the hotel. He asked where I was from so said “Walsall” in my proudest voice as I always do. We shook hands and he chucked a free bag of prawn crackers in. There was already 2 free fortune cookies in there. Top man.

I got back to my room and there was a slight commotion. A couple were struggling to get into the room next door. “Are you ok?” I asked. Stupid question. I knew the situation. “We can’t get into our room” the lady confirmed. I wished them all the best. It was a good job that I could get into my room ok as I was about to toilet myself.

The following morning I had a few hours before the train so after a good lie in I went for breakfast. Then plan had been to slide down into Wetherspoons (not via the pole) but I scrubbed that after saucegate the day before so I went to another local place, The Bread Shop. I grabbed a sizeable breakfast barm (as it’s called round there) and I also took a almond slice and Bakewell Tart for souvenirs to take home. I had to have a Bakewell Tart from Derbyshire didn’t I?

There was a nice lady having a smoke outside the hotel, we exchanged pleasantries and I headed inside. As the lift doors started to close she appeared. I tried to find the open doors button but she just stuck her arm in and they sprung back open. “Risky that” I said, “I’ve seen films where things like that go wrong.” She laughed and said “Final Destination?” “That lift scene in the new one.” I confirmed. She laughed and nodded.

The breakfast was ace. I had to pop to Reception and was joined in the lift back up by a couple and we struck up conversation. Turned out they were in the room next door. It wasn’t the same couple that was trying to get in there 12 hours earlier.

My train out was was cancelled do a a fault on the unit. Maybe they should have got The Flintstones style train out again. I didn’t mind. I had time to stand in the Sun and reflect on a great weekend. The biggest compliment I can give Glossop is that I wish I had an extra night or two. There were more places to tick off but I felt totally at home and the fact that I started numerous conversations, my confidence must be rising, shows just how friendly the place is.

I’ll be back one day Glossop.Save me a pizza burger.

Recently I started getting adverts on one of my social media feeds. It started “are you stuck in a rut?” No, I’m not but thanks for asking. It continued “do you want to make some amazing new friends?” Not really, I already have hundreds. But I read the blurb and it offered the chance to have dinner with 5 strangers, after taking a personality quiz to match you up with like minded people.

I ignored the ad and scrolled on. But this company kept popping up on my feed. Dunno how they found me but they must have thought that I’m sad and got no life. God knows what gave them that idea.

I’m quite shy (but have come on leaps and bounds in that respect of late), not good at meeting people (unless a fellow Walsall FC fan) and I’ll admit I can be a bit aloof. I think I’m an extroverted introvert if that makes any sense. I’m equally happy with a big group of mates or sat at home alone. But as this ad kept appearing, I started to consider it. It might be a laugh and I could get a blog out of it, especially as I don’t have much else to write about at the moment. Sometimes you just need to do something different, and I’ve never done anything like this. Would feel a bit like Come Dine With Me, and if I’m being totally honest I’d love to watch the evening back with the usual commentator on the show giving his epic style of narration.

There was a membership subscription available but I opted to pay £10 for a one off night. The personality quiz was a bit vague. The hobbies section listed sport. What? Partaking or watching? I don’t watch much sport. I go to Walsall games and spend most of them in the bar talking. The last time I kicked a football was in 1994. I went to watch The Fullbrook team and at half time 3 of us spectators decided to have a penalty shoot out. A lass was watching that I was very keen on, so I was eager to impress her. I took a run up, well a waddle up would be more accurate. Kicked the ball as hard as I could, and it didn’t even reach the goal. Keeper had to walk forward to pick it up. Myself and the lady didn’t get together.

So I listed my hobbies as travelling (my 2025 jaunts have been Liverpool for a stag do, Crewe (a) and Wembley. It’s still early days but Michael Palin I certainly am not. I also ticked watching tv and movies even though my television has been broken for 2 years and only watch films when Josh lays one on me at his house or I make sporadic use of my Light Cinema pass.

One other question was do I prefer cats or dogs. Well that’s easy. Cats. I’m not a dog person although Josh’s dog Mad Max and I have really hit it off and he is pushing a rethink from me on this issue. I picked cats as it was the right answer but also hoped that this would help the algorithm select some ladies for the evening.

So that was it. I was in and told I’d be advised of the venue, a hidden gem in Birmingham the night before. I’d only got a week to wait for the night but I was excited already. My wonderful colleague Carole asked “what if the place only serves cauliflower?” Imagine that. I’d be retching over everyone like those women off Little Britain.

The email came through last Monday and I was off to a Lebanese restaurant Comptoir Libanais in Grand Central, above New Street Station, the following night.. I didn’t really know where it was. But even I couldn’t fuck this up. Hang on, I know me. Of course I could.

I perused the menu. Yes, me in doing research shocker. I fancied a platter with chicken wings and lamb. I mentioned this to my colleague Tom on the day as I was wary because I’m like a caveman when it comes to eating chicken wings. His advice was “if they’re dickheads order the wings.” Duly noted.

We were sent an ice breaker question on the day. I’d been wondering what it would be. I’d ruled out “have you got a decent poo anecdote?” Not the best introduction with people you’ve just met and over a dinner table. But I had mine in my head in case anyone asked when the dinner was done and we’d all be tucking into the wine. The question was “what is your little win of the week?” Me being the usual nob that I am just thought bloody hell, it’s only Tuesday. I had no little wins to offer.

I opted for a taxi home, from out the back of work. The only previous time I’ve tried to get a taxi from that side of the hospital, it didn’t go well. You can relive that farce here. This time though I played smart, I noted the closest house number on my way in on the morning and ordered the taxi from outside there. I was picked up quickly and I managed a last gasp win over the taxi driver in my cat spotting game when I saw a moggy right by my house. The driver probably didn’t realise he was playing said game but that’s really not my problem.

I was soon on the train to Birmingham. I wasn’t nervous in the slightest. I don’t do nerves. I might be pretty rubbish at being a human most of the time but very little fazes me. I knew the restaurant closed at 9.30 and I was expecting post meal drinks with my new friends so I’d got train times from 10.30 in readiness.

I had to be at the restaurant for 7pm. I was at New Street for 6.15. I try not to be late for things apart from Walsall games where I have a very casual approach to kick off times (and I’m delighted that my Niece Amber has taken this approach on board too). So I had 45 minutes to kill. Old me would have been straight in the Wetherspoons and used that window to get 3 pints down but I opted instead to find the restaurant and have a mooch around.

I found the restaurant, piece of piss and loitered around outside before approaching at 6.50. I’d been told on email to quote the company name so I did this and asked for the table for 6 at 7 o’clock. The man looked puzzled so I reiterated. He went off to ask someone and came back. “I’ll get you a table for 6” he said. This should already be sorted I thought. Not a good start but he showed me said table so I sat in the middle of one of the two rows of 3. Basically, although I was here to make friends and get blog material I was also hoping that I might meet a nice lady, so I sat central so any females could see my ring less left hand. Shallow I know. There are probably pot holes in Walsall roads with more depth than me.

It was 6.54. A glance around and there didn’t look like there was anyone else who might be meeting strangers who could have possibly relayed the booking details better than me. I turned down a drink, whilst hoping I wasn’t asked “what time are your friends coming?”

7pm came and I was still on my own. I turned down a drink again, started wondering if the £10 I’d paid was a scam and what would I be drinking in the Post Office Vaults in a short time.

At 7.10 I was joined by Alex. He was surprised that it was just me there. He suggested we give it another 10 minutes to see if anyone else turned up. We got chatting. He’s originally from Bolton (Bo Selecta Vernon Kay going “Bolton Bolton Bolton” went straight into my head when he said this), but he moved down here for work and had trained in from Leamington. He’d been on this kind of night before with a different company throwing in “it was much better than this.”

At 7.20 we were joined by another man. He didn’t introduce himself and I certainly didn’t ask. We had a brief chat and all expressed disappointment at the lack of women, new man added further displeasure that we were not getting a discount on the food. Before ordering the waiter told us that this company had booked two tables with them the previous week and nobody had turned up. At least we had a 50% turnout. Better than some council elections.

I’d been thinking a 3 course meal, with wine but when Alex ordered Coke Zero I joined him with that and just went for a starter of Lebanese chicken wings with Zaatar & garlic flatbread. I didn’t know what Zaatar was and still don’t. I shall not be asking Jeeves. I need to point out here that I didn’t think the two lads were dickheads despite me ordering the wings. They went for main meals. A rice bowl and some sort of wrap thing with meat if I remember correctly.

The food came quickly and I apologised as I must look uncouth while eating wings. I had tried to look a bit more sophisticated by stripping the meat with my fingers but realised that was shit and it was a case of bollocks to that and I started to nibble straight off the bone.

The first set back came with me forgetting about the straw sticking out of my glass and I caught it with my hand. Somehow I became prime Jimmy Walker and caught the glass, resulting in just a little spillage. I apologised and mentioned that I hadn’t spilt a drink in a pub since Blackpool 2022 (sorry Sarah) and that it must be because I’m not used to drinking pop.

Conversation was limited due to eating but we had some good chats and I got some laughs out of Alex. The next wobble came when I tried to stack up the plates. The Spillage Gods, clearly not happy with my previous attempt at wetting the table, came back for more. This time I knocked the glass flat over and it went everywhere. I tried to mop up with serviettes but one of the waiters had to come running over with a blue paper roll. I thought at this juncture that maybe it was for the best that no women had turned up as I was clearly on a mission to make a twat of myself. The guys must have though I was a right spanner. Thank God it was only Coke. I’d have been devastated had it been wine, although the glass would have been far emptier.

Alex was the first to finish eating and announced that he could get a train in 10 minutes or his next one would be in an hour and that he was getting this one. He said “shall we jut split the bill?” I thought I don’t think so then he looked at me and said “oh you haven’t had much, we’ll pay individually,” He can read my mind as well as Josh can. My bill came to £18.90 which was nice. I’d budgeted for £50.

Alex paid and departed. I enjoyed his company and it was good to meet him but I was now thinking that those post 10.30 trains were looking a bit ambitious.

I decided to get the 8.30 train but delayed this to 8.45 as I felt a bit bad about leaving the other bloke. Just before departing I asked his name and it’s Anthony. I couldn’t not know. Knowledge is power. What I didn’t know though was what Alex and Anthony’s little wins were as the ice breaker never came up. Probably for the best as I hadn’t thought of anything. Anyone who has been to a quiz with me will know I’m shit at answering questions.

I was back in Walsall just after 9. Before the restaurant had even closed. I had planned to grab a black cab from outside Walsall Railway Station but that was when I was expecting to be home late. That would have rounded off the Come Dine With Me feel as I could have given a summary of the night to an imaginary camera with a score card in my hand. I’d have given it a 6. I enjoyed the night even though it hadn’t panned out like I hoped. Food was good and the lads sound. Plus it got me out of watching England v Senegal and I was under budget. I’d deffo do it again but maybe with the other company that Alex uses.

I got home and had some fish fingers. Yes, that was my little win. I now have the ice breaker answer should anyone ask. Alex and Anthony, I only knew you briefly but thanks.

It was Swill’s 50th in September. I offered to shout him a curry as he had done for mine. It took until now to do it. Yes things don’t happen quickly in my life but this one aint all on me. Busy boy is Swill and it’s fair to say free time isn’t always a friend of mine either. So last Thursday we finally settled on a day.

It was a good day at work and I left in a great mood. Sara Cox was on good form on Radio 2 and I can only apologise to any residents on Ida Road that may have heard me singing along to Craig David and Backstreet Boys.

I must have had curry on my mind as I was walking quicker than usual and this was picked up on as at every road I had to cross, a car slowed down to let me. Apart from the driver of a white car on White Street. Doubly let down by my favourite colour there.

Swill also had curry on his mind. He’d messaged me to say he was excited and heading out early which made me glad that I hadn’t played the last one in the pub is a c*** card which happens quite often when we arrange anything.

Shirt ironing song of choice this time was the amazing Hands To Heaven by Breathe. This 80’s classic always reminds me of my awesome Boxes 2 Go colleague Shelley who used to sing along loudly whilst changing a couple of words in the chorus line “tonight I need your sweet caress” to make it a bit ruder.

I jumped on the 31 Diamond bus, driven by a very lovely lady and we were soon passing through Leamore. Swill messaged to say he was almost at Wetherspoons. I replied and broke with tradition by saying first one in the pub is a c***. Just as that posted he sent one with the usual last one clause. Jinx.

In Spoons I grabbed him a Carling and opted for a latte myself. I’m trying to cut down on my drinking and spending. Although his curry was budgeted for so no issues there. Trying to make up for the money I’d spent in the playoffs I was in the middle of two no spend weekends, but like I say, curry fund was already ring fenced and safe from new self imposed austerity measures.

Swill and I are not usually slow on the piss taking but on this occasion one of his opening gambits was “you seem really relaxed.” Yeah, I do think I’ve calmed down a bit these last couple of years.

I got a couple of quick latte’s down me but then Swill went up the bar. “Beer?” he asked. Because I’m a nob and I like value I still wasn’t done with the free refills from the coffee machine but I hadn’t had a beer since getting back from Wembley over a week earlier. Go on then. Soon I had a Carling and a latte in front of me. Time went quickly in here. We had planned to walk to The Hatherton but we were that deep in conversation we just couldn’t be arsed. Sorry Hatherton, I swear I will come back soon.

We went next door to Ashoca. It was where Swill took me for my 50th curry, so only right we did it for his. There was no music but this was quickly put right as we sat down. Again we were busy canting and I hadn’t even looked at the menu when the waiter came up. To buy more time we requested poppadoms asking for 2, but he thought we meant that in total. After a quick bit of hesitation Swill called him back and requested another each. One simply does not have a lone poppadom.

“Are we having starters?” I asked. “Are you having one?” he replied. I’d spotted Nargis Kebab on the menu, so although I asked the motion had already been carried. We were. I also went for some thing I have forgotten the name of. If I remember I’ll try and find the menu and see if I can relay this vital info. (I tried and failed to find this out.) I should report what Swill ordered but I can’t remember that either. I had a Nargis Kebab coming and at that moment, was all I gave a shit about.

The starters came quickly, served on slate. The We want plates account on Twitter would have been fuming. I demolished my starter and soon we were on the main. Mine was very dark red with long strips of chicken. A bit sweet but tasty, whilst the cheese naan was ace.

We got a free shot with the bill which was nice – I do award extra marks for this on my non existent Walsall eaterie points based leaderboard.

Swill shouted me a taxi home which was good of him. It came quickly. Neither myself or the driver were in mood for conversation which we were both happy with. Cracking evening. Happy birthday Swill, albeit 9 months late.

I had no thirst for the play offs in the aftermath of the normal season. I’d told someone after Accrington “the play offs can suck a fart out of my arse.” but of course as soon as they came round I was on board. I didn’t try and get one of the tickets for Chesterfield as we only had a few and I didn’t deserve one but I was there for the home game and it was a magnificent night. Well worth cancelling my birthday bash for.

So onto the final and in the lead up to it I wasn’t excited or nervous. Sounds strange but I thought we’d get dicked in the semis so the final seemed like a free hit.

I barely slept the night before and wasn’t overjoyed when the alarm sounded at 5am but I was up and at it straight away. Kettle on and I then went for a chat with my smart speaker. “Alexa….good morning.” She responded with a good morning and a fact about the day that I’d forgotten before the kettle had boiled. I followed up, “Alexa…we’re going to Wembley.” “Sorry, I can’t help you with that.” Thankfully I’d already had all the help I needed with Tim sorting my ticket out.

Breakfast was needed and the plan was MaccyD’s. The one on Park Street doesn’t open until 7am which is a bit poo so I headed to the 24 hour one by Tesco. The outer door glided open but then the inner one was locked. No order numbers on the screen inside. Clearly not open but cracking banter peeps leaving that one door unlocked.

I figured if I power walked, I could make the earlier train and grab snackage at New Street and I just about made it, giving Gary. Sean and Lauren only the briefest of greetings at the railway station.

The train was delayed by a minute so I made it and headed to Gregg’s in Brum which was empty. A very rude man cut me up on the way in but fair play he seemed in a hurry and did apologise inside. I grabbed a baguette and told the lady serving that she’d saved my life. Bit dramatic even by my standards yeah, but she gave me a nice smile.

Everyone I was meeting were already on the train and off we set. I was a bit puzzled as we pulled into Rugby as people started getting up. Sean explained that this train made lots of stops en route but we could change to another one by the same company that only stopped once. I fear change, even on trains but followed. The new train had a very shouty on board announcer which I didn’t need at that time in the morning, but did wonder if we could entice her to Wembley to help roar the lads on.

Anyway Sean was right and we were in London half an hour earlier than I expected. We marched off to a pub. A couple of lads ran in front of two red London buses as they were pulling away at lights. I stayed put. I had no intention of getting hit by one of those. There would be only one winner. I wasn’t quite so cautious on Euston Road though. The Monopoly geek in me had kicked in and I was excited at seeing the street sign and got a beep as I crossed. The rent for landing on said street in Monopoly is £6. No idea what it is for getting run over and thankfully I didn’t need to find out.

At the pub I wasn’t drinking booze so asked for Pepsi Max, which he didn’t have but gave me regular diet and didn’t charge me for it. Top bloke. I tried to hide this drink by sticking it on a ledge at the side ofd the bar and then trying to shield it with my ample body. It took Mase all of 2 seconds to spot it.

I sat with Chris and we spoke outfits. I said I’d considered a Walsall top but in the end opted for the same outfit as the Chesterfield second leg due to superstition. I say the same outfit, but I couldn’t remember which socks I’d had on but I had a 1 in 18 chance of getting it right. Chris had also done the same but he’d remembered everything.

It was a pleasant couple of hours in here, I’d got a second free Pepsi but it was Wembley time. I’m a massive fan of the London Underground and we were soon at Great Portland Street station. There was some banter as I walked through the barrier with the lad saying my card had came up as declined. He had me for s split second, before the realisation of it being payday weekend kicked in. I’m like a kid on the underground. A huge smile always breaks out on me as we hit the platform. We were soon on a Metropolitan Line (Magenta in colour if it comes up in a quiz) train heading to Wembley Park. (Sorry Del if you’re reading. His team Southend is at Wembley today in the Conference play off final but said station – the closest to the stadium is closed on this occasion.)

Our group broke up a bit on arrival and soon it was just myself, Mase, Panda and his sister Alison. We walked down the steps and the first song we heard playing was S Club 7 “S Club Party”. Alison and I joined in loudly and made a pact that we’d have a Saddlers Club party should we win.

We headed to The Blue Check. It was rammed but service was quick. We moved outside where more of our group joined us and also Swill who was making a proper weekend of it with a 2 night stay. He’d been out mooching the night before and advised of this place. It was epic to be fair with a great atmosphere.

It was soon toilet time and there was a small queue. I thought there was another room and the queue was coming from there too. Then I realised it was a mirror. I felt a bit dumb until the bloke in front turned round and said “bloody hell, I thought there was another queue but it’s a mirror.” The toilet was, erm cosy. Just a small trough and no cubicle. “Good job I don’t need a dump” I announced loudly. It got a small laugh. I’ll take that. Behind me a phone rang which was answered with the line “I’ll call you back, I’m in the pisser.” This got a big laugh which I joined in with.

I was now on the beer and the first pint went down in minutes. Which wasn’t the plan really as it was £7 a pint. Fair play to Mase, he got his card out and said “go and get me and you a pint. Have the pint for your birthday.” I didn’t need telling twice.

Shortly afterwards I got a message from Josh, who was outside the ground in the fan zone saying that he was going inside in 20 minutes. He had my ticket. Shit. I had a pint to finish, explanations for departure to give, goodbyes to say and another toilet. Plus I didn’t really know where I was. This was going to be another Challenge Anneka style mission. In my haste, when saying bye to Mase I accidentally headbutted him, which must have come sharp with this mossiv bonce of mine. Sorry Mase. (I checked the day after and he’s fine).

As you know from previous editions, I’m not one for asking for help but this time I had no choice. The bouncer outside was sound though and he told me how to get to half way down Wembley way. I only had to ask one more direction and I was in between the blue and green zone where Josh had said he was. Successful mission.

We had to go through entrance C which I liked. C is my favourite letter. So many good words begin with it like chicken, curry, cheese, chips and I’m sure there’s a couple more corkers. Josh, Mrs Josh (Lyndsey) and their son George went straight up into the stand. After another quick photo opportunity.

I used the loo and it was cubicles only. A bloke clearly wasn’t happy with this stopping to say “no urinals. This place is fucked in the nut.” Never heard that expression before but I shall be plagiarising it. I opted not to drink and instead just worked the concourse going pretty much the whole length of it seeing loads of people I know, and some I don’t that say they read the blog. I also bumped into a bloke that’s owed me £5 since 1999, but I’ve only seen once since. I didn’t ask for it.

After an hour it was time to head upstairs (after using another loo which did have a urinal trough). I knew I was in block 113. But my ticket said row 40, seat 40, £40. 40-40-40. Sounds like my measurements being announced if I was taking part in Miss World. Piece of piss to find my seat and I was with Josh and family, along with Laura, Pezza, his dad and Tim. I paid Tim for the ticket and he waived the booking fee.Top man and thanks.

Because the match was kicking off at 3.01 I made the National Anthem which I sang with gusto. On Walsall’s previous (and only) trip to Wembley I’d spent about 70 minutes downstairs in the concourse chatting and watching day trippers occasionally marching or being thrown out. This time though I wanted to see some action.

We were shit first half. Didn’t have a shot and they took the lead just before half time. First time since OPTA stats were introduced over a decade ago that a team hasn’t had a shot during the first half of a play off final. We don’t have live entertainment during half times of finals over here but at this juncture it would have been apt if Remember Monday had walked out and done a rendition of “What The Hell Just Happened?”

Laura went to get the beers and I turned it down. Upon getting back down to the concourse she somehow had about 4 extra pints and I was forced to have one but really did turn down a second one.

I checked my phone, and Craig had messaged me late during the half saying “the Portugal v Mexico match (in The Simpsons) was better than this.” It was hard to argue to be fair and if it wasn’t I wouldn’t have done as I had a pint to drink.

Second half wasn’t much better (I saw the last half an hour) and we lost. From being miles clear in January we were now stuck in League 2 for another season. It hurt. It hurt bad.

I was soon on The Metropolitan Line and back at Euston in no time. I bumped into Mark Jones who is one of my longest standing Walsall FC friends having met him in 1989. along with his sons, their girlfriends and his brother Andy and son Sam, so I joined up with them. There was time to grab a £4.25 egg mayonnaise sandwich which was just ever so slightly not worth that amount.

The train journey home was arduous. However there was the usual Walsall FC gallows humour along with a inquest of the season. I never drink on trains but my God I needed a beer after that shit show, so accepted a can which turned into two. Well I don’t like odd numbers. Sam was on excellent form, with a few tirades but also explaining what he’d give up for League One football. He’s never seen a Walsall FC promotion, the last one was in 2007 so loads haven’t. I’m running out of promotion years to use as one of my passwords at work.

There was a 20 minute stop at Northampton that we could have done without. Fucked in the nut that was. We got moving again and I had to use the loo. Unbeknown to me the lock wasn’t working, and the door slowly opened like it was revealing a star prize on a game show. What it did reveal though was a lass. Standing to the side, I assume trying to get the door to lock. She closed the door and I stood guard outside. I apologised again when she left. She did leave the seat up though which puzzled me.

We eventually got back to New Street and I rejoined my travel down companions for the journey back to Walsall. Upon leaving the train and walking through the lobby there was a bloke next to me, carrying his son in his arms who must have been only 4 or 5. The kid suddenly sang “Walsall FC” as the opening of the “from the Black Country chant” and it really got me. Proper lifted my spirits.

It was raining as I left the railway station. I had no umbrella and no coat like the bloke in Heart’s “All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You” song. Although lead singer Ann Wilson was not driving by. Bloody pedestrianisation scheme. This didn’t bother me. My parade had already been rained on. I trudged up to the Walsall Arms. Late night in here normally involves shots but as my team hadn’t had any of note that day then I wasn’t having any either. I had a pint and headed home.

Superb day with great people again, just the match to ruin it like so many times. We didn’t even have the satisfaction of a goal being ruled out by VAR to cry foul over. Typically, as there were no top flight games on, we had to quote Jimmy Lennon Junior “millions watching around the world” and we served up that horror show. I only saw one half and half scarf though which I’d have taken beforehand. Questions need to be asked though as to how we fucked this season up. Glad the season is over. Roll on August. See you all then.