Evo Boozy Scribbler

It was the last home game of the league season – Accrington Stanley. You Tube was just doing its thing and I was happy for it to choose the music. It knows my tastes and guilty pleasures. So my shirt ironing song today was “You’re Still The One” by Shania Twain. Absolutely brilliant track and when I meet Mrs Right, if we’re together after a year or so it’s definitely going to be our song.

I needed breakfast to start with so met John Heighway in The Walsall Arms. Usual host Jodi was this time on cooking duties so landlady Jaz was on front of house.

Breakfast was quick in arriving. Jodi did her usual trick of asking if it was alright, while I had a mouthful. I swallowed and confirmed that it was but that the acid test was the bacon which I’d eat last. I can confirm the bacon was good. Jaz was on good form with the banter. She told me she was off to a cheese and wine festival on the afternoon. I said “that sounds amazing. I’m actually jealous. If the match is shit, please send a taxi to pick me up and I’ll join you.”

We stayed for a second cup of tea; Jodi’s young daughter Frankie offered John some pizza. The pizza slices turned out to be Carling beer mats. “Carling pizza?” he queried. Now that’s an invention that needs inventing. Deep pan, tomato sauce, mozzarella, tandoori chicken, pepperoni, beef and a splash of Carling on top to garnish. Wishbone, if you’re reading you can have that. If not, John and I will be on Dragons Den next year. We departed. A good start to the day.

I went home and fannied around a bit, leaving it to the last second to leave the house. Standard. I took a stroll whilst monitoring the Bradford score. Kids, never check the Bradford score whilst crossing the road. It’s illegal and definitely not in The Green Cross Code. Anyway, Bradford lost, automatic promotion was back in our own hands. I put my phone away and starting concentrating on where I was going.

It was about a minute to kick off when I reached the ground if you’re wondering why the outside is deserted in the picture. Well, not quite deserted. My mate Gaz was about and jumped into the picture which I didn’t mind.

I was soon in the ground. Josh was in block 6 which is my usual one so I joined him. I glanced up to the back row where my season ticket is and I wasn’t getting near it. I don’t actually know where my season ticket seat is. Never sat in it. I just know it’s the back row.

We started brightly, hit the wood work twice. Then Accrington scored a worldy against the run of play and we faded. We stayed in the bar after half time and watched in there even though I wasn’t drinking at this point. It was utter shit. I know I’m not going to get a sports reporting job for Radio 5 Live with a summary like that but there’s just no other way of putting it. I almost went round the front to see if a taxi was waiting to take me to the cheese and wine festival.

We went out for the final whistle and soon the dismal showing was over. The team were booed off and there very loud calls for the manager to be sacked. It was pretty toxic. We’d qualified for the play offs but having thrown away automatic promotion that looked nailed on in January was not going down well. It was now out of our hands with the final day fixtures heavily in Bradford’s favour.

We ambled round the front. Josh and his son George went in the club shop and I waited outside. Whilst there, I noticed they stopped letting people in. It wasn’t even 5.15 so it seemed a bit premature. I only saw a couple of people try to go in but that’s not the point. They could have spent a couple of hundred quid, especially as there was a 40% sale on. My mate Asps says that the problem with Walsall FC is that we’ve never had a player called Sodje like most clubs have. The money they could’ve spent may have gone towards a Summer Sodje signing.

There were a few angry folk loitering outside the main reception and the doors were being guarded by police and stewards. We ambled in The Locker. It seems like 5 minutes ago this place was rocking post match to chants of “we are top of the league” and “we are going up”. This time though the DJ was playing Perfecto Allstarz “Reach Up (Pappa’s Got A Brand New Pigbag)” and everyone was chanting along to the chorus “duh-duh-duh-duh fuck-ing useless”, and I think they meant it.

It was very busy in there and I was in no rush for beer as the queues were lengthy,so I just loitered and chatted. I also took this opportunity to go on Facebook Dating for the first time all day. I’d had a like from a lady called Annabel in Telford. The profile pic was just of a plant – not sure if it was a Triffid or not. Normally if there isn’t a photo of an actual person on the profile I class that as an automatic red flag and I disregard, even though I’m not over run with likes on there. This time though I saw that she likes the song “Gravity” by Embrace, which I love. So I thought I’d message including a reference to the song. I was talking to Josh whilst typing and it was only as I was about to press send that I saw that auto correct had changed Annabel to Anna below. Bit preemptive I thought so I changed it and pressed send. She didn’t reply.

People were checking on what was happening outside reception. On my turn I returned and reported to Josh, “they are attacking the Accrington team coach.” Josh was like “whaaaat?” I then confessed that I’d made it up to keep him interested.

Pezza suggested we move on, as the mood in The Locker wasn’t good. So him, Laura and their kids, Bella and Albie, along with myself, my Niece Amber with her daughter Frankie and JB all headed to Katz. We’d just missed The New York Times who had been in taking pictures and talking to customers as Katz now stocks NoFo beers, an American partner company of Walsall FC. I was disappointed to have missed them as I would have made it all about me. I don’t know if the New York Times has a page 7 fella like The Sun used to but I reckon I’d have been a shoe in for it.

There was lots of fellow Saddlers in Katz and it was rammed but the mood was far better than in The Locker. The old “don’t let Walsall FC ruin the day” rule had clearly kicked in. Another Saddler in the form of local singer Kevin Ruby-Astin was doing a set and smashing it again.

It was so busy inside we had to sit outside which didn’t bother us. The conversation was varied. The week before I’d given Laura a tenner and told her to get the kids Easter eggs. She fessed up here that they actually used the money to buy the kids a Danny’s Chicken takeaway. Needless to say I thoroughly approved of this. Remember though, Danny’s Chicken is for life, not just for Easter.

We were joined outside by Swill, Mase and Martin. It was good to see them and as per normal, Swill’s made the night somewhat more random, although Laura added to this with a discussion where she had mixed up my mates Craig and Panda and it took several minutes of probing to work out what she was actually asking. We got there in the end.

I finally made it into the front bar for a NoFo pint and picture opportunity. Free pizza slices and warm samosas were provided which went down a storm. Slowly the group started to dwindle until I was the last one. I popped inside to see what was occurring. I’d briefly met Nick from NoFo outside The Locker earlier and had a quick chat. He was now back in Katz with Jase the landlord so we had another quick discussion.

Kevin was doing a belting rendition of “Red Light Spells Danger” so I watched that then departed. I popped in Walsall Arms but only had one. The singer was really good in here as well but I decided to catch Danny’s before it shut. If it’s good enough for Albie and Bella, it’s good enough for me. Class day apart from between 3 and 5, but hey. We are more than used to that scenario.

23rd of April was St George’s Day, although some people are saying it happens on the 28th this year due to Easter being late but I didn’t really understand that. Anyway, so back to the 23rd and I was off work for it yet again.

I got up around 6.30 made a cuppa and went back to bed to listen to Scott Mills on Radio 2. All the Absolute stations have now disappeared off my DAB radio as did Radio X a few years back, moving to DAB+ for a “crisper clearer sound.” I’m from the 1970’s and there was noting wrong with the sound on medium wave if you ask me. Anyway this was my first time listening to Mills on 2. It was good to be fair.

I have a rule that I only play English music on St George’s Day so my getting ready songs of choice this time were “Pandora’s Box by OMD as it popped in my head on the walk home from work the previous week and I’d been playing it lots since. This was followed up with “Dragging Me Down” by Inspiral Carpets because it’s magnificent and then Norgaard by The Vaccines as it was one of the albeit very few answers that I’d provided as Craig and I won the quiz at The Registry the night before.

I got up for the second time at 9.30, summonsed Craig from the spare room and awaited Josh. I’d offered to shout them both breakfast if they joined me on a review. Soon we were heading to Premier Diner on Queen Street. I’ll do a proper review in a future edition but the food was good and the conversation quickly became very laddie. I’d blame Josh for this nut I think I certainly helped steer it in that direction.

So my general plan was eat, then head to Hargun’s in Caldmore for Samosa Wednesday purchases. Samosa Wednesday is a newly established tradition in my house and I now get a lovely smile from the lady as I walk in so I think she’s clocked the pattern emerging. Then I was going to head into town about 4pm for a small amount of alcohol. Needless to say, things didn’t go to plan.

Whilst in Premier Diner I had a message from Jaz the landlady of The Walsall Arms asking if I knew where she could get some England flags. I replied that I’d got a couple and could drop them in. Craig went back to Coventry then Josh and I headed to The Arms getting there bang on midday. Jaz gave Josh the job of flag erection which was fine with me. I grabbed an early beer as I was there. Jaz joined in to help Josh so I just sat there supping. Standard for St George’s Day.

Josh disappeared to do family stuff and I opted for one more, then Harguns then home for a bit. Did this happen? No. The newly formed plan c ended up staying in the arms for a couple of hours then wandering down to Katz.

Jase the landlord was on in Katz which was good. I grabbed a Wainwrights, but because the tv was showing snooker, I moved away and sat at the back as I didn’t people thinking I was interested in that. The music was really good in here and I had a peruse at Facebook Dating as I hadn’t had chance the past few days. I had a call from Josh with good news that more tickets for our final league match at Crewe had been released and that he’d go down there early the next day to try and get us one. And he did. What a top lad he is.

From there I headed to The Registry as I still had some free pint vouchers from winning the quiz the night before. It was busy in here and the karaoke was very entertaining. Legendary Walsall fan Leachie was in so it was good to see him. Song of the afternoon in here was a performance of “A Groovy Kind Of Love”.

I saw DJ Daymo who was on duty and had hosted the previous nights quiz. “Have you used your free pint vouchers yet?” he asked. I confirmed a couple still remained. He laughed and said “I knew they wouldn’t last you long.” Knows me well.

I opted for another pint as it was free and also some food. The Reg has recently launched a new menu but I was all over the 3 starters for £12. I went 6 chicken wings (£6.50) chicken goujons (£6.25) and crispy coated prawns (£7). Food came quickly and it was really good with a special nod to the prawns.

I left and I could hear karaoke emanating from The Tap & Tanner and as the place is still in my good books after the Easter Monday session I headed in. I got served straight away again and Coop was back on the karaoke hosting. The lad who did “Groovy Kind Of Love” in The Reg was in here and did it again. Good work Sir. I wondered if I could go round pubs and do my “disturbing and entertaining” (as reviewed by Andy Jones) performance of “I Touch Myself”. Scar a few more people for life.

It was entertaining in here as welll. Highlight being a lads combo with the superb name 4 Man Orgy, which started as a duet then a 3rd man ran up and finally the 4th and they did a great rendition of ABBA’s “Winner Takes It All”

Talking of karaoke monikers, I’d like to meet a lady with the surname Zager so we could ask to do the classic “In The Year 2525” using just our family names. Just to amuse me and see if anyone gets the reference. Oh God, it’s now 2025. Only 500 years till we can all start singing “In The Year 2525” on New Years Day. That’s quite exciting.

Coop came over at the end again and thanked me for attending which was good. I took a steady stroll back up to The Walsall Arms for a night cap. There were leftovers on the bar from the midweek roasts. I grabbed a Yorkshire Pudding and at this late stage of the day officially postponed Samosa Wednesday.

A man I don’t know came up to the bar and tried the cauliflower cheese. He said it was really good and suggested that I try it. I explained that cauliflower is evil and none of it would be coming near me. He tried again. I like people with ambition but he wasn’t winning this one.

Cracking day. Not the booziest St George’s Day by a long way but still a nice day out. I woke up early the next day full of excitement for Samosa Thursday. Which did happen.

Easter Monday and Walsall FC had another one of those annoying 12.30 kick offs. I knew lots of people who had gone to Newport but I was watching it in Katz. My t-shirt ironing song of choice on this occasion was “Dance Away” by Roxy Music. I was 5 when it came out but loved it straight away and it remains a favourite of mine and I play it regularly. The line “you’re dressed to kill and guess who’s dying” meant nothing to me as a kid but I’m totally understanding of it nowadays.

I recently got an air fryer. Actually that’s not strictly true. I got it in 2020 but it took until 3 months ago for me to get it out of it’s box in the Living Room where it had resided ever since. I’m now obsessed with this device and I’ve been nagging Josh to come round for a breakfast cooked in it. He’s always having me round his for food so I like to try and repay the compliment. He rang me at 10.50 “geezer can I take you up on the air fryer breakfast offer?” He then explained that he had to get the kids dressed and two of them dropped off somewhere. I did wonder if he knew it was a 12.30 kick off. His arrival was to be further delayed as I mentioned I had no bacon so he said he’d grab some one en route.

One of the first times I did Josh brekkie, he completely threw me with the simple and seemingly innocuous request for a slice of toast. For some reason this stressed me out and I dropped a bowl of baked beans all over the work surface which was followed up by a barrage of f words that Gordon Ramsey would have been proud of. He came in, surveyed the scene and simply said “remind me to never tell you a secret. You’ll spill the beans.” Which made me laugh.

Happy to say that this time there was no such incident and I only had to apologise for the delay (I need a 2 drawer air fryer me thinks) and the ponceyness level of the bread for his toast. (Kingsmill Multi-seed). Anyway breakfast for me, Josh and his son George were rustled up with no fuss and Craig who had now turned up got some leftovers so everyone was happy.

It takes me forever to eat so we missed kick off but were soon in Katz. The performance was a bit cack but it looked like we had scored in injury time and the scenes in Katz were epic. We were all dancing around, me and Josh were hugging and yelling. It’s been that long since we’ve had a winner to celebrate. Then it was disallowed for handball. The replay showed it was the correct call but my God it was gutting. The mood just went flat.

Josh and his son departed and we put our coats on too. Then decided to stay for one more. We retreated to a back table, finished up and opted to move on. The on came The Kooks “She Moves In Her Own Way.” I said to Craig, “why does a great song come on when you’re about to leave?” It was to be fair the best song that had come on post match but we’d already postponed our departure once so we departed and marched off to the Black Country Arms.

In here we took our usual table on the balcony. On a previous visit I’d mentioned the availability of the cheese, onion and black pudding cob. Craig had no idea that this combination of filling was a thing, so this time I purchased one so he could see for himself. I had no intention of eating it, it was bought just for show and tell purposes. 10 minutes later I caved in and gobbled it down like I hadn’t eaten in a week.

After a couple of beers we were readying ourselves to move onto The Red Lion as it is always lively in there of a Monday afternoon. I then got a message from Swill asking where we were. I told him our plans and he messaged back saying he was just getting back from Newport and that him and Dean Neville were going to The Tap And Tanner for one. I barely go in that pub anymore as I’ve had issues getting served before but we said we’d also pop along for one.

Karaoke was on in The Tap. First discussion with Dean was about our appearance on the tv show Do I Not Know That? This was how I first met him and somebody had asked about it in Katz the day before. We were both happy that people still remember us being on that despite it being over two decades ago.

Swill asked if I was singing anything, and I replied in the negative. He went for a chat with the karaoke man and immediately Backstreet Boys “Backstreet’s back” was on the screen with performed by Evo below it. Oh right, I am singing then. I’d done this song the night before in The Walsall Arms and it went down a storm but I wasn’t feeling it this time so it was a bit flat but I still enjoyed it. I also did McFly “Obviously”, putting a bit more feeling in that one.

We saw the song “Camouflage” come up on the screen. I asked Craig, “is this the song I think it is? 80’s one hit wonder?” He couldn’t think of another with that title. I said “this is the most random karaoke choice I’ve ever known”. The bloke did a great job of it and I had arms in the air joining in the chorus. Great choice fella.

Swill was now in full on Swill mode. He had been dancing around for a good 45 minutes and he rejoined us, just as a bloke I think was called Disco Dave sat at the table next to him. He then then produces a stone fox, and a half pint of water. He thinks dips his fingers in the water and flicks it over the fox. I think Swill got some too. The randomness levels were creeping up.

The DJ who I think was called Coop then played “Red Red Wine” by UB40, so I stuck my fingers in my ears and he caught me. He put his fingers in his ears and gave me a puzzled look. I mouthed “this is shit” and hoped he’d understand. He soon changed it and on came “Red Light Spells Danger” which his a joint Deano and I anthem so we were both up dancing to this. As was Swill having posed for a picture with the fox and was now showing his moves like Jagger again. Deano represented our table with a great performance of “The Wonder Of You.”

There was a great rendition of “(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life” from Dirty Dancing. Swill wanted lifting up like in the film during this. I got the nod. “I’ll put my back out” I protested. Deano said “you’ll be alright Evo, you work at The Manor. You’ll get priority in A&E.” I was like “I don’t think it works like that. I might not risk it.”

Someone sang “Losing My Religion” by REM, which was my first ever karaoke song, back in the day at The Fullbrook. I was up dancing to this one and the bloke did a great job of it. Swill announced he was getting a round in just as a lass got up for Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now.” He asked for help carrying it and again I got the nod but now I was far too busy singing loudly and doing very vigorous air piano. Craig helped him.

Coop played a a reggae kind of more upbeat version of “The Living Years” by Mike And The Mechanics which really threw Craig and I. Not really sure why a cheerier version of a song about the narrators dad dying was needed. More randomness. The last song to be played was “Right Beside You” by Sophie B. Hawkins, which regular readers will know is an absolute favourite of mine. Coop came over and shook our hands and thanked us for coming which was a really nice touch.

It was Swill’s home time. His last actions were to give me a ham cob that had been to Newport and back then departed with a “fuck off the lot of you” to us which made us laugh.

Not gonna lie. Not sure how it panned out from here. Don’t think we stayed much longer but the popping in for one must have been a 5 hour jobbie. It was brilliant in there. I got served straight away and I think I got my love for the place back.

Craig and I departed and headed to Wishbone, then got a taxi back to mine. I wanted Heart 00’s on but my mouth asked Alexa for Absolute 90’s. I was just glad she could still understand me. I knew it wasn’t Heart 00’s when Pulp’s “Sorted For E’s & Wizz” came on. We chatted our usual nonsense for a while then called it a night. Superb day with great friends.

Apologies that the blog has been quiet the last couple of weeks or so but thanks to all the responses to thew last edition about Fellows Park. Good to know that there is still a lot of love for the proper home of Walsall FC. If you missed it, you can catch it here

Reports have surfaced on local Facebook groups of late saying that Walsall Leather Museum is under threat again with the neighbouring college wanting to buy the building to flatten it to extend their premises. I don’t know if it’s true or not but why would anyone make this up? I’ll admit I’ve only ever been once but on these posts were a list of events this week and one was make your own clay Easter bunny. I thought this might be fun for Josh’s kids so I mentioned it to him. I fessed up that I wanted to create clay goodness in rabbit form also. He’d never been so was up for it.

This morning Josh called me, then turned up and whisked me off to his to provide breakfast then myself, him and his eldest daughter Maizie headed there.

The museum was opened in 1988 by Princess Anne and has been a popular tourist attraction ever since. We arrived and headed straight through to the exhibits. In the first part I explained to Josh the phrase “I’ve not got a pot to piss in” came from the leather industry as urine used to be used in the production and people would sell it to the manufactures but the poor couldn’t as they hadn’t a pot to piss in. I don’t think he believed it and to be fair it may be rubbish but somebody told it me in the pub once, and like I said earlier why would you make that up?

The museum is set up as display cabinets and actual workshop recreations, the best of the former being the Walsall FC one featuring the actual matchball from our best ever FA Cup victory against Arsenal in 1933.

We headed downstairs and paid up for the bunny making activity and also grabbed drinks. Two coffee’s and a Pepsi Max came out at £2.80. Well, I’m pretty sure it was £2.80. I can’t quite remember and I wasn’t really paying attention to be perfectly honest. I was thinking of a name for my creation and came up with Dougie Bunny just as my change was being handed back to me.

We went into the craft room which was very busy. Initially just Maizie was given a lump of clay, me and Josh exchanged glances, he read my mind yet again and went up and asked questions and soon we all had clay.

Maizie started on her bunny and Josh created a clay WFC, which as far as I was concerned was good enough for The Turner Award. My start was delayed as I was looking around on the off chance that there might be a pottery wheel and wondering if any of the ladies would be up for recreating the scene from Ghost. I had Unchained Melody in my head as I started work on Dougie Bunny. It felt like something out of The Generation Game with both me and Maizie making bunnies out of clay. I would have liked to have heard Bruce Forsyth’s comments on my work. Dougie in truth looked more like a snowman with big ears. In rabbit terms he was more akin to the one out of Donnie Darko or maybe Watership Down than the elegance of the Cadbury Caramel one. Maizie’s looked good though and I think her points would have got us through to the final.

Josh rushed off to get the car and Maizie wrapped up our models. By the time we got to the car though she reported that one of Dougie’s ears had fallen off. Typical. I’d created something that was going to be out injured a lot.

This was a great visit though. Josh and I have been mates for 15 years and don’t do cultural stuff like this, so it was a nice change. The Leather Museum is a great place to visit and free to enter. It’s future is unclear so please support if you can.

Last week somebody shared a status update I did in 2017 listing 30 things that I miss in Walsall, to the Brownhills Bob Facebook group. I hadn’t seen the list since posting it. Needless to say Fellows Park was number 1. Fellows Park was the home ground of Walsall FC from 1896 until 1990, and as we approach Bescot Stadium’s 35th birthday I thought it was high time I shared some thoughts and memories of the old place. Or “the proper ground” as former player and Manage Alan Buckley repeatedly referred to it as at a long awaited guest appearance a few years back.

At this point I have a few skeletons in the closet to unleash. I didn’t get into football until the 1986 World Cup, so missed all of the Alan Buckley goodness. My first two football matches, despite me already deciding that I was a Walsall fan were actually at The Hawthorns in 1986. My then next door neighbour had the job of recording the games for them and a couple of times his normal helper couldn’t go so I helped set up the camera and carry stuff. I didn’t go to a Walsall game until 1987.

My actual first visit to Fellows Park was a guided tour with the primary school around 1983-4 at a guess. I don’t recall this. It did nothing for me, and like most school day memories has been completely expunged from my memory. I only know of it because it made the Walsall Advertiser and on the group photo I was on the far right, not front and centre like I position myself nowadays. It’s only because my mom kept the picture out of the paper in a phto album that I recall it. The picture that is not the tour.

So my first match was the big FA Cup 4th round tie against Birmingham City. Glory hunter, I know yeah. Swill asked if I wanted to go and it’s fair to say I didn’t need asking twice. We went in what was called the popular side, near to the players passageway from the dressing room. No tunnels in those days. We were stood by a lively old lady who we got to know over time and found out she was legendary Saddlers fan Kitty Lyons. Anyway, walking into Fellows Park on a match day that first time was amazing. Looking over to the bursting Hillary Street End and hearing the noise coming out of it was epic. I knew there and then I wanted to be coming here for the rest of my life. I got just over 3 years but you get the drift.

We won that day, beating a bigger neighbouring club from a higher division in a bit of a grudge match as we had been primed to be moved out of our ground and into sharing Birmingham’s just a year or so earlier. My next match was a defeat against Wigan Athletic. I must have got a taste for losing to those that day as we have done it regularly ever since.

I only went twice that first season. But this was it. I was now a Saddler for life. I wanted a replica kit. I wanted a programme from every game. I wanted to win the “10 pence on the ball” draw. I wanted all of the players autographs. We used to get there as the turnstiles opened so could watch the players warm up and the first time I was brave enough to call a player over for his scribble it was top scorer David Kelly. I handed him my autograph book and asked nicely. “Where’s your pen?” he asked. I hadn’t thought of that. I’d just assumed he’d have one on him. Probably the first embarrassing moment of my life. I was armed with two pens the next home game and got it then.

I was so much more of a regular the following season. The promotion season. Glory hunter I know yeah. This would be my first taste of midweek games, starting with a League Cup (then sponsored by Littlewoods) first round. 2nd leg tie against West Bromwich Albion. We’d already won the first leg away 3-2 and a 0-0 draw that night saw us through.

A big change came in the November of 87, as Swill and I moved into the Hillary Street End. Coming through the turnstiles, walking up those steps and then the ground just opening up in front of you was spine tingling, that first time and all the times afterwards. I never tired of that initial walk up the steps. Our first game in here was another Tuesday night cup tie. This one an FA Cup 1st round replay against Southend. We won that one 2-1 with two penalties from Paul Jones, and it was great being a Streetender and joining in the chants. A totally different experience from on the side.

By now, Swill and I had totally got the bug and looked for any excuse to attend Fellows Park. Reserve games, charity matches, schools finals the lot. One charity match involved two teams. not Walsall FC related but our current goalkeeper Fred Barber, probably my first Saddlers hero was named as sub for one of the teams and he came on in the second half as a striker and scored and it was brilliant to watch.

Reserve games were great too as you could go anywhere in the ground. Sometimes we’d sit in the main stand, as we couldn’t afford to for first team games, mingling with first team players and local journalists. Most times though we’d stand on the Street End. Swill started bringing his school friends and I became mates with them all but mostly Steve Stuart who remains a mate to this day.

Memorable games that first full season of attending that spring to mind were a 5-2 win against Rotherham, with Nicky Cross scoring a hat-trick before being substituted to his absolute disgust . which led to his departure shortly afterwards. This was the first season of two substitutes and his replacement that day was future legend Chris Marsh from the youth team making his first senior appearance with the novel number 14 shirt on. He “scored” with his first touch only for the effort to be disallowed.

Other games at home that spring to mind that season were a 2-1 win over Doncaster as the club celebrated our 100th birthday and the next one was a crucial win by the same score against promotion rivals Notts County. The home draw in the second leg of the play off semi final against Notts was absolutely joyous as we won 3-1 on aggregate.

I was late getting up when the tickets went on sale for the second leg of the play off final, and the queue was massive when I arrived. I got the prize ticket and just as I got to the road a wedding car pulled up. A newly married couple were stopping off to get tickets. A photographer from a local paper was nearby and he clocked an opportunity. I was asked if they could borrow my ticket for a picture. I stared anxiously at my ticket throughout and must have looked so relieved when it was handed back as I got comments. Someone remarked I should have insisted on being in the picture. Nowadays I’d be standing right next to the bride. It made the paper and was a great shot.

The 2-0 home defeat in the second leg of the play off final against Bristol City after a 3-1 win away in he first was a shock but we won the penalty shoot out to bring the replay to good old Fellows Park.

My mom wouldn’t let me go to the replay (I’d turned 14 on the day of the 1st leg semi final against Notts County so I couldn’t argue). We listened to it on the radio in our caravan at Bewdley We won 4-0 to seal our first promotion in 25 years and it must have been an amazing occasion. The footage looked brilliant and I can only imagine the scenes in The King George V pub across the road. I’ve never spoken to anyone who was in there that day but I’d love to hear anecdotes.

Digressing slightly but when we moved to Bescot several people said it was in a crap location which always puzzled me. Only round the corner from Fellows Park, on a bus route with a train station opposite but over the years I’ve figured it out. There is nothing round Bescot really but Fellows Park? King George V and a chip shop (Andy’s?) opposite and within a 15 minute walk you had The Fullbrook, The Royal Oak (Pleck and Palfrey variants), Bradford Arms (Pleck and Palfrey variants) Brown Lion, New Inns, 4 Horseshoes and what ever the pub that became Raffles Club (then a pharmacy, now a brightly lit up 24 hour shop). You could have had a right pub crawl pre (and post) match.

Following a Summer of washing cars, delivering the Walsall Advertiser and having a little help from the Bank Of Mom & Dad I had my first season ticket for the Barclays League Division 2 (now Championship, kids) campaign. I was away for the first home game, a 2-2 draw with Plymouth but I don’t think I missed another home game all season. Early memories include a Tuesday night 5-0 win against Birmingham with all the goals in the second half. The place was bouncing that night night. I’d gone to Anfield for the second round 1st leg tie against Liverpool in the Littlewoods Cup We came away that night with just a 1-0 defeat and I couldn’t wait for the second leg. I’m sure we had an early goal from Craig Shakespeare disallowed and eventually Liverpool won the tie 4-1 on aggregate.

As season ticket holders, Swill and I were allowed into the members enclosure, situated in the “Cow Shed” stand. We started to go in there first half and stand right next to the away end. This led to some epic banter. The one that still sticks in the mind was during a lull in one game, a voice rang out from behind us “hey Watford?”. Cue lots of heads looking round in the away end. “Yer shit.” Watford won that game 1-0.

The early season promise quickly evaporated after the injury to new midfielder Alex Taylor. The two stick in the memory games later that season at home were the visits from the top two Chelsea and Manchester City. Chelsea won 7-0 and with a bit of gallows humour normally only emanating from the terraces, stadium announcer David Bathurst announced “a reminder that videos of this game are available to purchase, though this may be of more interest to the Chelsea fans.”

Against Man City we raced into a 2-0 lead, away goalkeeper Andy Dibble got injured and had to be replaced by outfield player Nigel Gleghorn (I think), – no sub keepers in those days and before we knew it we were 3-2 down. A last gasp equaliser from Andy Saville gave us a deserved point but this was one of very few home highlights that season. Late home wins against Brighton and Stoke giving us a bit of pride but we were relegated easily.

I did however get to see Dale Banton’s only Fellows Park goal in a Walsall shirt though in a 3-0 reserves win over Tranmere.

So for the final season at Fellows Park we were back in the third tier. I thought we had a strong squad. I was confident. I was also young and foolish.

The season started with a 1-0 win against Northampton at FP with Stuart Rimmer on the score sheet. The promotion campaign was underway. Not quite. We hit rock bottom of the table on 30th December and stayed there.

During the Spring I was doing a football hooliganism project as part of my Sociology coursework for my GCSE’s. I wrote to the club and recived a letter back inviting me to interview Roy Whalley, club Secretary and one of the Directors. This was exciting. I got to go in his office and taped a great interview. He was very welcoming, answered my questions, and told me about how great and safe Bescot Stadium would be. I enclosed the tape in with my project and never got it back. Another reason why I hated school.

I got near to Roy again not too long after. A 1-0 home defeat to Birmingham in March saw a demonstration outside the main stand. This was my first taste of crowd fury, so me and Swill were interested onlookers but somehow as the crowd moved we ended up at the front. Roy Whalley came out to address the disgruntled fans. I remember someone shouting “hey Roy, do you want us to pay you Poll Tax too?” which got a big cheer. It all ended peacefully though.

We were relegated quite early on if I remember correctly. Fellows Park deserved a far better send off than the final season it got. After many famous cup victories there, the last FA Cup win on the ground was a 2nd round tie against Roterham, Rimmer again on target. Rotherham also provided the opposition for the final league game, on a Tuesday night May 1st 1990. The club made an occasion of it with certificates provided on the turnstiles, former players and a marching band in attendance. Andy Dornan scored the final Walsall league goal (his only one for the club) in a 1-1 draw. The crowd that night was 5697 where it had only been 3287 for the final win at FP against Tranmere 3 days earlier.

Before the move the club did a couple of tours of Fellows Park and I attended both This meant I got to go in the Saddlers Club for the first time, although it was blackcurrant and lemonade for me in those days.

The final final Walsall match at Fellows Park was a testimonial for defender Peter Hart against West Brom, which finished 1-1 with Gary Shaw equalising for us and thus scoring the last ever goal at Fellows Park. I remember walking out the ground and getting down to the traffic lights and having one last look at the lit up floodlights and got really emotional.

I was excited about the move to Bescot. I was just a kid, I had no concept of history or character. I learned too late the Joni Mitchell wisdom. “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got ’till it’s gone?” The place was showing its age at the end, but it was magical. A proper ground. To a lot of fans it will always be the proper home of Walsall FC. A lot of my friends have only ever known Bescot. As soon as Doc Brown brings those time travelling DeLoreans to mass production, I’m going back to watch that 4-0 win over Bristol City, and I’m taking some mates too. Actually Doc, could you make it a 52 seat Central Coaches time machine please?

Fellows Park was soon gone. The Saddlers Club was torched, part of the Cow Shed roof collapsed during a bout of snow, then the bulldozers arrived. I was working for Corroy Products in Darlaston at the time and lifts home passed the site so I got a day by day account of the demolition. The time I saw stuff being burned on the pitch really hit me hard. I vowed then not to ever set foot in the Morrisons supermarket that was to replace it. Of course, with me being the massive hypocrite that I am, I applied for a job there while it was being built. I smashed the interview (imo), got a letter a few weeks later saying they were still considering my application then I never heard from them again. Most blokes get ghosted by the ladies. I get it from major supermarket chains.

To be fair, I did go in the store. There was lots of pictures of Fellows Park around the walls which was a nice touch. Not sure if they are still there though. Not been in in decades.

So Bescot Stadium is 35 this year. For my 35th birthday I had a go at the London Monopoly pub crawl and you know what? I might just do it again for Bescot’s same landmark.

In hindsight, I wish that on that primary school tour I’d have bumped into Alan Buckley and he’d have said “not impressed today young man? Get down here on Saturday and see the real Fellows Park.” Dunno why but I had Brian Clough’s voice in my head as I typed that. Fellows Park, I only knew you for a short time but my God you certainly changed my life for the better.

Big thanks to David Evans from the Fellows Park Facebook page for use of the pictures on here and his help with a memory or two.

And if you’re wondering, here is the list of 30 things that I miss in Walsall, as referenced in the first paragraph. 1 – Fellows Park.

2 – Fitters Arms.

3 – Highgate Brewery (especially Saddlers Bitter)

4 – Sundown Records.

5 – Planet Spice.

6 – The Black Swan.

7 – The Brewery Stores (especially the downstairs bar).

8 – The Imperial.

9 – Mr Yips.

10 – The clock on NatWest. (Especially when running for a train.)

11 – Protection from the elements in the bus stations.

12 – The 3 Men In A Boat clock in The Saddlers Centre.

13 – Walsall FC shop in town.

14 – The shopping trolley escalator in Presto.

15 – Basil Of Anatolia.

16 – ABC cinema.

17 – Harley’s.

18 – The indoor market in the Quasar Centre.

19 – The double chance urinals in the Pen & Wig.

20 – The Sarawak.

21 – The Fullbrook pub as it was in the 1990’s.

22 – Fibber McGee’s.

23 -The secret passage from by The Fountain to Lichfield St.

24 – The town with the power station cooling towers looming over it, making it feel like the opening credits of The Simpsons.

25 – The amusement arcade in Caldmore (now Daves Cafe). Update – now Caldmore Fish Bar.

26 – The Stag in Bloxwich.

27 – The sign on the old Sainsbury’s that said “Do not even think about parking here.”

28 – The 339 bus. (It’s now the 39, with a bizarre route which doesn’t help me)

29 – Those concrete blocks outside Woolworths.

30 – Lee Garden Chinese on Stafford Street. (It’s still there, I just don’t live 3 minutes walk away anymore).

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During the recent Grimsby home match Sean Harris asked if fancied a day out in Loughborough the following Saturday. I was excited already. I think my response was “yeah yeah yeah mate yeah mate yeah”. I’ve done Loughborough twice before. Woza and I went on Boxing Day in 2015 when it was a late substitute for a trip up North which was cancelled due to flooding. This was on Pub 365 Challenge 2, and I returned on a solo mission in April 2018 on Pub 365 Challenge 3 to get more ticks, and to include it in the 12 former Football League towns to visit during that one.. The micro pub Needle & Pin eluded me on both of these visits. Third time lucky I hoped.

After this conversation I went on Facebook Dating and suddenly my feed was full of ladies from Loughborough. Our phones aren’t listening to us though right? I sent an ambitious like to one of them. She didn’t respond.

Onto Saturday then. My shirt ironing song this time was “I’m With You” by Avril Lavigne. Fair play to Avril. She’s waited patiently for 4 years to get a mention in my blog then gets one two editions running. I took a walk into town. The Sun was shining and I had my first view of the year of a load of Daffodils. Always an important day, as it’s a sign that Spring is coming.

I got to Jack & Ada’s, the best cafe in Walsall Town Centre. Rubbish on my part but I’ve not been in here in months. Possible last Summer. I was warmly greeted by Paul on the counter which is standard. I usually have the largest full English breakfast. My request for poached egg on brown bread toast surprised him. The conversation went along the lines of “what’s happened to the Mikee we know? You’re looking very trim though.” “Thank you.” “How much weight have you lost?” “I don’t know.” “Was it doctors orders?” “No, I wanted to find a lady.” “Have you?” “No.” “Well if I ever become a woman…” “I’ll book the op. I’ll change, you don’t have to.” Well if I can’t pull a lass I may as well pull a bloke that owns a cafe eh? I then asked for a sweetener in my mug of tea. Yes I’ve changed.

I was soon joined by Sean, Panda and Dan. Panda made a controversial outburst by claiming he doesn’t like Pork. He soon crumbled under cross examination, admitting that he does like sausages, ham, Frazzles and Pork scratchings. It’s good to have little food quirks though. Like me, I detest Cauliflower but love Cauliflower Cheese as long as there is no Cauliflower in it.

On the train there was much excitement on mine, and only my part as we pulled into Duddeston Station. I know I’m sad and have absolutely no life but I’ve been obsessed about the disused, overgrown platform at Duddeston since I was a kid. But now, It’s all been cleared. I was tempted to get off and have a mooch around to try and find out what’s happening (general consensus is it’s HS2 related) but with 2 more trains to get before I beer stayed put.

At New Street the up escalator wasn’t working again. I know train companies have to provide reliability stats but I’d be intrigued by the same for these. The league table of wank escalators must be (1) New Street Station, (2) Walsall Tesco. Feel free to fill in the other Champions League spots yourself.

On the train we discussed the passing through of Melton Mowbray and wondered if their product Pork Pie would be available in neighbouring Loughborough. I revealed hat I was going to do a Melton Mowbray pub crawl on St George’s Day in 2020 but it got cancelled due to Covid. Five years on and I still haven’t rescheduled it. Things don’t happen quickly in my life.

Panda made another shocking claim, this time that he doesn’t like Gin. I don’t usually need trigger warnings but I was starting to think of issuing him with a request for them. I warned him that he was now close to the 3 strikes and you’re out rule.

First port of call in Loughborough was White Hart, where we were meeting Ian and Jayne. This place had lit candles everywhere making it feel like I was in the Boyzone “Love Me For A Reason” video. I nearly walked to the bar singing “don’t love me for fun girl, let me be a Bond girl.” The barmaid was very friendly and called me darling twice which is always nice. We joined Ian and Jayne. They had booked a Travelodge. I commented that we could all crash in their room if we missed the last train. They seemed fine with this. I forgot to ask if breakfast was included in their room rate.

Decent pub this, friendly with good beer and there was even time for my first wrong turn of the day as I marched passed the toilet and nearly walked into the open door kitchen, which smelt amazing by the way. Fortunately nobody saw me and I did a quick u turn and found the loo.

We then had to walk through the town and there was a continental market on and some of the stalls looked very similar to the ones we have upon hosting these. I eyed the Turkish Delight stall warily as I had memories of paying £13 for a bag of the stuff last time we had this in our beloved town. The food stalls smelt divine. I was getting peckish already. Maybe poached egg on toast isn’t the best prep for a pub crawl. I’m not religious but I began to pray that the next pub did cobs.

Next up was Organ Grinder. I was last to get served of our group as I’d loitered outside taking pictures and playing Frogger with a bus. Ian tipped me off about pork pies. Good start. I ordered a pint and a cheese and onion cob. The barman advised of a meal deal and said “if you pay 10p more you get a bag of crisps.” Oh go on then. The chicken and stuffing pork pie did catch my eye though. The barman was friendly and I was very jealous of his cool red hair style.

I joined the others in the back room. The cob was ace and the serviette was the biggest I have eve seen. It could cover my mossiv cranium. The chicken and stuffing pork pie continued to eat away at me. I gave in and went back and bought half of one “for later.” Before departing we had a little explore and found some marvellous outdoor rooms. One called Ostler’s House, whilst small had furniture and one of those old style sinks that people now use to grown plants in. They clearly care about the history of the pub here and it’s good to see.

The tour moved onto Wheeltapper. This is a train themed pub. There is a wall of those colourful popular destination posters from a bygone age. I scanned but couldn’t see one for Walsall. I’ll design one and present it to them next time. The music was a bit strange. Like in a horror movie when bored kids break into a creepy old house and music emanates from an upstairs room. The barman was welcoming though and the beer was really good.

“We’ve got a brewery next.” Sean certainly knows how to get my attention. One I’d never heard of – Moonface. We walked in and there were 3 trays of nibbles which everyone was ignoring. Naturally it was left to me to ask the question. The man said they had been for a photo shoot next door but we could help ourselves. The cheese and crackers were epic. Not very corporate of me but I can’t remember what ale I had here. It was golden and good but I know not the name. Sorry Moonface. Their fault though for distracting me with food.

From there we went to The Mini Monocle. This was a cool music inspired venue. There was a drum kit set up which I wanted to dive on. Music ranged from The Pixies, Fun Lovin’ Criminals, Pulp with “Stand” by REM being my favourite. The passageway to the toilet is accessed through a proper old school red phone box door and there is an actual phone on the wall behind it to complete the look.

Conversation was epic in here. Beers had flowed and it started to get inappropriate. The good thing with this group is that there are no boundaries with the discussions and it’s always good.

The Tap & Clapper was next. “Hungry Like The Wolf” by Duran Duran was playing. I hoped for some “New Moon On Monday” while they were in the mood but it gave way to “7 Days” by Craig David. My sense of positioning went to shit in here as it wasn’t till I sat down that I noticed the big screen in my view was showing horse racing (no interest) and the one behind me was showing Wales v England in the Rugby which was going well. It was almost full time in the football and we knew Bradford were losing but then it said there was something like 15 minutes stoppage time. Dan put his phone on his leg and looked out for updates. All 6 of us are Walsall FC fans and we just sat there looking at the phone willing the minutes away. Bradford did lose which helps us, though we’re not really helping ourselves at the moment.

We moved on. Excitement was building. Was I finally going to tick off Needle & Pin? Third time lucky yeah? Well the short answer is yes. After getting a friendly Just Eat man to take a group photo we headed in. I love Thornbridge Brewery so was delighted to see their ale on, I grabbed a pint and headed upstairs. My God what a place. There was a record player with a huge selection of vinyl albums to be played. DJ Panda hit the wheel of Steel and selected a Fleetwood Mac lp which went down well. There were board games, I got a bit too excited at the suggestion of a game of Cards Against Humanity. The conversation was already going beyond the pale so probably best that this game didn’t happen.

Sean and Panda perused the vinyl like we used to do in Sundown Records. I was soon presented with the soundtrack album to the film Buster. I requested the Phil Collins classic “Two Hearts” off it and it was conveniently seated at track 1 on side A but that was turned down by everyone in the vicinity. Ian led the no campaign. I might put it on now while I type this. That’ll show em. Sort of. Fleetwood Mac were replaced by an early Beautiful South album and this was a great visit. Was it worth waiting for? Hell yeah. Am I going back? Deffo. Am I playing the whole Buster album? Fuck yeah.

We’d finished Sean’s route but there was still ample time before the train so we stopped in The Swan In The Rushes. I’m going to be totally honest, I don’t remember much about this one, other than Sean announcing that we were getting a taxi to a shop near the station which I had no issue with.

In the shop we grabbed supplies for the train with vastly differing requirements. Some went for bottled refreshment, I opted for a packet of Skips and a Bounty. I also bought a scratchcard for a giggle. Aint bought one in yonks. I used to have a thing on payday of having a little £5-£8 scratchcard binge but this was promptly abolished when I started at Cardboard Boxes 2 Go ans payday changed to a weekly basis.

Panda spotted my Bounty and commented that he doesn’t like coconut. This was his 3rd strike and should have meant he was out but it was too late in the day to start those kind of proceedings. To be fair at that juncture he could have said he didn’t like Nargis Kebabs and I wouldn’t have given a flying.

We ambled to the station. Dan came out with a brillliant line en route but it had dropped out of my memory before we got to the station so I offered him half of my Bounty which he accepted. He might not have been so lucky had it been a Red Bounty.

The train journey back was a bit more sedate than the outbound one. We were back in Walsall about 21.30. I couldn’t be arsed to drink anymore so strolled home. Absolutely brilliant day with great company. 5 new Loughborough ticks in Wheeltapper, Moonface, Mini Monocle Needle & Pin and Tap & Clapper. It’s a great town and well worth a visit. I think Loughborough IV could happen though I think I need to tick off Melton Mowbray first. I still haven’t scratched off the scratchcard.

I was on a 4 day weekend. Craig had made his first Sunday night Walsall Arms karaoke appearance and stopped at my house after a great night. We had plans for Monday though. Bowling and ticking off the The Retro Realm the new gaming arcade by The New Art Gallery in Walsall town centre. With a quiz on the night.

Wetherspoons breakfast was needed to start the day. Eggs Benedict with the rocket held. Sorry Elton John but I aint no Rocket Man. The Sun was shining so Craig wanted to sit outside. I wasn’t sure it was warm enough. Especially as I had just a light jacket on, as someone in the Walsall Arms had asked of my attire the night before “why don’t you buy a coat that fits you?” I’d happily confirmed that I was more of a unit in the days of me buying that but in the light of that feedback the big Winter coat was left at home.

It was actually a beautiful day and it’s always nice to sit in the Sun. I don’t see it often. One of Craig’s rules is always sit outside when you can. Breakfast was ace and I certainly took full advantage of the free coffee refills. A helicopter circle over head sparking the usual intrigue of it’s mission.

Conversation here was varied ranging from “what is your favourite Avril Lavigne song? (I’m With You and Don’t Tell Me being mine) through to death by Helicopter crash. Craig said he’d never go in a helicopter due to fear of it crashing. Me, never one to turn down the chance to be a nob replied “yeah but what if it crashed into something cool like a castle,m Stonehenge or the M4? Not sure why I picked that motorway and he still wasn’t sold on the idea.

We moved onto Tenpin the bowling alley on Crown Wharf retail park. Last time we came here I didn’t hit a pin with my first 6 bowls and Craig wiped the floor with me, to the extent that I felt like a Vileda Super Mop. Expecting another defeat the pressure was off and I was going to enjoy it either way. The night before I was singing Bowling For Soup (1985) at the karaoke, now I was bowling for fun.

I got scores straight away. No run of ducks this time although all my balls kept going left of center. Suzzane Vega would of approved. I came up with the idea of using the lane to the right hoping to then finally hit the middle pin on ours.

I finally got a spare in frame 8, although I nearly fell over the line when doing this. Maybe this is the secret. The Tin Henman style clenched fist gesture came out when those pins fell. In game 2 I did what I thought was a bad bowl, raised my hands, shouted “oh fuck off”. Very dramatic even by my standards. It turned out to be my best bowl of the day, taking out 9 pins.

Craig won both games, the second with an increased majority. But it was still great fun. The trying to look confident on the walk up to the obligatory dance on every walk back from the lane, regardless of the score. I didn’t get a strike which is probably for the best as I used to have a thing about whipping my top off when getting one. Thankfully now I’m 50, I’m far more sensible and besides nobody wants to see that.

Craig got one strike and I commented that it’s bad getting a strike as you get fewer bowls thus getting less value for your entrance fee. It is a scam to be fair so I’m glad I’m shit at bowling and get my full allocation of balls.

The Retro Realm doesn’t open until 4pm on a Monday (much earlier of a weekend) so we popped to The Oak Inn. We sat outside again, whilst enjoying the music. Someone had loaded the jukebox with American guitar music the highlight being the full version of Jesus Of Suburbia by Green Day. The temperature plummeted whilst here. Earlier Craig had thought his phone was advising the temperature as being minus 6, and my God it started to feel like it here.

There was time for a controversial outburst from Craig as he mentioned that Common People isn’t his favourite Pulp song, instead referring Disco 2000. I opted not to lump petrol onto this already raging fire by saying my favourite is Mis-Shapes.

With The Retro Realm now open we headed there. It is cheaper on a Monday hence our thinking with this particular day for a visit. It was a tenner each for 2 hours and 45 minutes retro gaming (all machines are set to free play) . It’s opening is split into these slots so it’s best to check their Facebook page for details so you get the most of the slot you head for.

We’d had a committee meeting the night before and opted not to play against each other as that would mean one person standing around eating into playing time whilst the other is in action. Also Craig is a bad loser and I didn’t fancy pissing him off with the canal right outside.

I started on a RoboCop game and it’s just fun shooting things. Ms PacMan, Space Invaders followed before I took time out for a Mini Boss Burger from the restaurant.

Craig found Phoenix which he was proper chuffed with as it brought back memories of playing it with his dad as a kid. We then teamed up to save the world from Skynet on Terminator Salvation. It took ages, and one massive robot didn’t half take some killing, proper getting on our tits kinda thing. I think we both cheered when he finally fell. If I meet a Sarah Connor on one of these dating apps, I got a line now to throw in on the first date.

We played a racing game. It soon became clear why I may have failed my driving test as I was all over the place. My cars carefully chosen white paint work took a hammering. I led in the second race only for Craig to pip me on the last corner earning him a “you fucker” and that’s me who generally isn’t a bad loser.

Craig went for more Phoenix action and I went back for a bit more Ms Pac-Man but our time was soon up. We hadn’t scratched the surface. I didn’t even get on Double Dragon. The pinball machines at the front are not free so with our time now up we paid to have a couple of goes on one of these. This was a great visit and we will be back. I’ve since seen on Facebook that the diner/bar area is free to enter so if you’ve missed your train or it’s been cancelled you can pop in and have a can of Kopparberg and play pinball without having to pay to go into the main arcade. Other boozy drinks are available.

The Red Lion was next as I know Steve who also works at the Manor Hospital usually goes in there on a Monday. As we approached a man was singing Disco 2000 on the karaoke. “Still your favourite Pulp song?” I asked Craig. “I think I’m going off it.” Steve was in which was good and pints of Inch’s were soon with us.

It was very enjoyable in here. A man wearing a pair of women’s knickers over his trousers got up on the bar and sang Tequila – not the Terrorvision version. They played Rolf Harris The Court Of King Caractacus and a couple got up to act out the lyrics which was most entertaining especially at the end when it speeds up. The boobs gesture at every mention of the word ladies was immense and it’s just a great sing along song. They also played One Way Ticket To The Moon by who I thought was Boney M. Craig said “it’s just called One Way Ticket” and the group is Eruption.” Never heard of Eruption. Everyday is a school day. I heard this song about a month ago and it had been in my head ever since only dislodging it a couple of days earlier. Now it was back with a vengeance.

We had a couple of pints and left. I sang “One Way Ticket To The Moon” all the way down Park Street. It was quiz time at the Walsall Arms. It’s always the first Monday of the moth and a good event. Me and Craig have an understanding for quizzes. He gets 99% of our answers and I just sit there drinking and looking cool. It’s a good system and probably the only time I’ll be in The 1% Club.

Quiz mistress Alison was in the hot seat as usual and a lass on an opposing team was soon over for her usual banter with us. I enjoy the quizzes even though I am generally rubbish at them. I am still haunted by getting a Monopoly board question wrong a few months ago as I’m a bit geeky on that. Fortunately the Walsall Arms has lots pf corners so I was able to pick one, stand in it and have a word with myself.

Best line of the night was at the start of round 8 which Alison announced as food and drink. Somebody on another team said to his mate “you’ll be good at this you fat fucker.” I laughed very loudly.

We won the quiz, sorry – Craig won the quiz and it was another highlight on a truly great but long day. I was so glad I had Tuesday off as well..

Fishley Park is a long standing singles night based locally. I’ve heard about it since the 90’s but some reason I thought it was near Lichfield but a chance conversation with Carole at work taught me that it’s actually in Bloxwich. I was going to go on my own in November (bus to Saddlers Arms then walk to it) but events conspired. A friend then mentioned it recently and we decided to make a visit on Friday.

So on Friday, I got home from work and started prepping. I wasn’t in a good mood leaving work which is unusual so I went a bit angsty with the ironing song of choice with the full 9 minute version of Green Day’s Jesus Of Suburbia. Long enough to cover shaving time too. I went for one of my smarter shirts. It’s black and I really don’t like wearing black. I’d make a terrible goth. Imagine me turning up to a Goths Anonymous meeting wearing white and causing outrage. Anyway the shirt is smart imo but I don’t tell people I actually bought it from a charity shop for a 1920’s style Prohibition even in Birmingham in 2021.

I met up with my mate who wishes to remain anonymous and we jumped on the X51. I’d proposed The Hatherton Arms in Bloxwich as our first stop as it’s near a taxi office and it’s just the best pub in Bloxwich. The usual karaoke bloke Gaz wasn’t on but another was hosting and it was soon full of people of all ages just having a good time. The first song to be performed was a couple doing Dancing On My Own by Robyn. I joined in whilst thinking I hope dancing on my own isn’t an omen for later.

Two ladies stood next to me at the bar, they got drinks then lingered for all of 5 minutes before fucking off out of the pub, not to return. I was having my normal effect on the women already.

We got a taxi straight away, I banged my head getting in it. God I’m not even in front of the ladies at Fishley Park and I’m already making a nob of myself. We were soon there arriving at 9.15. I banged my head getting out. Mate paid for the taxi and my entrance fee which was decent. We were told we had to hand our coats in so I passed mine over and was given a raffle ticket which was a nice surprise. I’m usually pretty lucky at raffles so it was already shaping up to be a good night. I was hoping chicken in a basket was to be the next surprise.

It wasn’t very busy as we walked in, got served straight away although my Coors was somewhat lively and had to be poured twice. His first attempt was carefully carried into a back room.

We settled at a table and then in walked a lass. She was smiley, had a nice outfit on and there was something about her. She sat at the opposite side of the room though.We were sat by the bar. Standard for me.

The room started to fill. A man right in my eye line stood on the edge of the dance floor, assessing the form with his legs wide apart. It reminded me of the Tory MPs strong and stable power pose of a few years ago. The music was varied. I’d forgotten to check if I need to pre book the playing of Tha Crossroads by Bone Thugs N Harmony to spark me into life like at the recent speed dating event. If you missed the speed dating blog you can catch up here

The DJ was taking requests but I wasn’t walking up and asking for owt. He played Thriller. This sent Mr Strong & Stable onto the dance floor doing a few Michael Jackson moves, even throwing in a moonwalk. If only Theresa May had done one of these at the end pf a party political broadcast she might have won a bigger majority.

Mate went to the loo. Came back reporting that it’s usually mostly women until midnight then loads of men come in. It was just after 10. There was now a timescale to focus on. Come midnight my ideal lady would be spoilt for choice. Fortunately I’m no Prince Charming so she wouldn’t be running off at that time and leaving a shoe behind.

I went to the loo. On the way out, I clocked the condom machine and perused it just for investigative journalism purposes. Wondering if the machine was poplar given the nature of these singles nights. £3 a pack. Reasonable although I wondered if the price went up after midnight like with taxis. A bloke walked in and caught me perusing. I had to make a quick decision. Make it look like I’d puled and buy a pack or just style it out and walk away. I kept the £3. The last condoms I bought went out of date so I’ll buy on a need to basis. Even if dynamic pricing has kicked in after midnight.

I went back out and eventually the lady I’d seen at the bar hit the dance floor. To quote Jimmy Lennon Jr “iiiiiiiit’s showtime.” I have no issue with dancing per se but doing it to try and get close to a lady is just not me. I didn’t go straight up as it would look obvious, so left it and had a few more intake of Coors. I then sauntered up to the dance floor. Bloody hell, sauntering again like at speed dating? What’s happened to me? Needless to say, as I was involved in this operation it went as smoothly as Rubiks Cubes in a blender. I got to the dance floor just as she walked off it.

Oh well. I’m here now. I’m kind of committed ,so I boogied to Two Can Play That Game by Bobby Brown and Don’t Give Me Your Life by Alex Party, the latter bringing back class memories of my 21st birthday upstairs in Bridge Street Social Club (WS1/Religion for the Gen Z/Millenials). Hotel California popped in my head, mainly the lyric “some dance to remember, some dance to forget.” Here’s me dancing on my own trying to impress a woman that’s not even looking at me.

I returned to the table. I didn’t notice the lady go back up to dance and I’m really not one to go and try and chat up. I never have been. My previous relationships have come through 3rd party instigation. Maybe I should have strutted over and just held out my hand and then led her to the dance floor like in films.

Time flew by, and soon it was 11.15. We opted to move on and ordered a taxi. The DJ played 2 UB40 songs in quick succession and we took this as our cue to depart. I enjoyed the visit, it just went so fast and I didn’t speak yo a single lady. I was served by a bloke at the bar and my coat was taken and returned by a gent. The taxi came quickly and we were off to another pub. I didn’t pull and we left before the raffle was drawn. I bet someone got a fondue set on a re-draw.

Back on the dating apps then. My e-harmony membership has now expired so I might give Plenty Of Fish a go. I like fish as the bloke in my local chippy will testify.

It was Valentines Day on Friday. I wanted to do something different. I’d already announced that I was going to a random pub for the night, but where? I wanted somewhere not doing anything Valentines related but then during the week I saw The Jack Jiggers pub in Brownhills were doing a Traffic Light Party (red badge for taken, amber for maybe, green for single.) I then saw that The Forge Tavern in Willenhall were doing a speed dating night. It was going to be one of these. The Forge had 3 things going for it. It would be a new tick, the poster advised free glass of bubbly for speed daters and when doing my research I found out the pub is down the road from Tiffany’s, a great cafe I’ve recently discovered. The prospect of pulling a lass that lives by Tiffany’s swung it for me.

I’m no expect at dating. I know my limits. I’m not good looking but my confidence levels have crept up over the last year from absolute zero to the lofty heights of negligible.

Walsall isn’t really a hot bed of dating events. I went to a singles night at the New Art Gallery in 2003. Two ladies spoke to me. One taking my beer order, another who worked there telling me off for taking said beer into a gallery.

The Light Cinema in Walsall announced a speed dating night in 2017 which I quickly signed up for. It got cancelled though as not enough men had registered. I was like “no, that’s fine leave it on” but to no avail.

I had prepared for that even mind. In the pub one night I told my great mate Mase that I was going and he offered to play some female speed daters. This was very amusing if not slightly awkward at times. My favourite of these exchanges was his portrayal of flirty accountant Kirsty. With “her” job in mind I asked “what’s your favourite sum?” This caused much amusement and despite being 8 years ago, still gets mentioned to this day.

So onto Friday. No Valentines cards were waiting at home but my Tesco Clubcard statement was with a £4 voucher in there. That’ll do instead. Out came a nice shirt, posh coat and the shiny shoes that I only wear for funerals, weddings and job interviews. The shirt ironing song was changed at the last minute. It was going to be “She Hates Me” by Puddle Of Mudd as it had popped into my head on the walk home. I thought something to get me in a romantic mood was more appropriate so went for “Everlasting Love” by Love Affair because it’s amazing.

There was a bit of panic pre departure as I couldn’t find my glasses. They were on the floor next to the still in box barbecue that Josh bought me in 2021. I really hope I’m not the only person with a still boxed barbecue that resides in the Living Room.

I’d mentioned to John at the 11th hour what I was doing and he said he’d come with me, not to partake but mostly to take his mind off his still sore tooth extraction from a couple of days earlier. We popped to the Walsall Arms for a bit of Dutch Courage and so I could have a quick practice at flirting with Jaz the landlady.

John drove us over to Willenhall. I was navigating so of course there was a missed turn. Standard for me. We got in and Maroon 5 “This Love” came on and a television screen above the bar was showing a Katy Perry video. I was happy already.

John is taller and thinner than me but also bald. I wondered if the locals thought a Right Said Fred tribute act had come to do a turn.

I signed up and it quickly became apparent that the 4 ladies sitting opposite and all facing us were the female partakers. We clearly stood out like sore thumbs. We were at a table between the ladies and the bar, and there was only one chair so I was standing there like the proverbial spare part at a wedding. The on came “Tha Crossroads” by Bone Thugs N Harmony.

This was my opportunity to emanate some cool vibes toward the ladies and I grabbed it with both hands. On the spot I did a sort of bendy knees, casually nodding head dance whilst singing along as best as I could. Mainly the chorus to be honest.

With the ladies now suitably reassured of my coolness I opted to visit the little boys room. My bladder isn’t the strongest and I didn’t want to get caught short, arriving in front of a lady and it being “hi, I’m Mikee. Sorry, I gotta dash. I’m about to toilet myself.” What a first impression that would be.

The toilets are up the back passage. Both had their doors open and I paused briefly outside one to asses which it was. “I hope you’re not going in our toilet” came a female voice. It was on of the 4 speed daters. I laughed and said “it is my first time in here, honest.” “I’ll let you off then” and she pointed me in the direction of the men’s.

It was soon start time. Did I have a strategy? Well no. I’m shy, especially around the ladies, . My interactions with them normally go one way. It’s a word beginning with h and ends in orrendously .I’m not good at meeting people and I don’t really like talking to people I don’t know. Other than that it was going to be fine. So no, I didn’t have a plan A. Plan B if conversation dried up was to ask “should we bring back dinosaurs?” Plan C was to unleash my Chewbacca in the Big Brother house impression.

I can remember the ladies names but I’m not going to use them or describe them as it’s right as they didn’t know I’d be writting about this.

First up was hard work. We spent the first minute looking at the paper on the table, then her mate was wanting to borrow her glasses (and trying to remove them from her head so she could also read). Finally we got to talk but it was tough. The music was very loud and we both struggled to hear anything. We couldn’t really get a conversation going. I could have done with a Right Said Fred tribute act turning up and singing “Don’t Talk, Just Kiss.”

When the change over occurred the dj apologised for the music, turned it down and allowed us an extra minute at the next table to make up for it. The lady at the next table was great. Straight out with questions and we really hit it off. I asked her what she did and she relied “I’m an accountant.” It had to be done. “So what’s your favourite sum?” This completely threw her but we moved on. She said that she’s a singer and does a bit of Shakira. This was my cue to stand up and announce “I love My Hips Don’t Lie” and gave my hips a shimmy. She was fine with this. We crammed a lot into those 3 minutes but it was time to move onto lady number 3.

This was another great chat. We have the same taste in music with her expressing fondness for Linkin Park and Biffy Clyro. She said she’s single but had been roped into this to make up the numbers.

I arrived in front of lady number 4 and sat down with the line “well I found your table easier than I found the toilets” which she liked. We talked all kinds of things where we live and the basics like that. She asked if I’m married. “Nope, never married. No children. No stalker ex’s still on the scene. I have absolutely no baggage>” “That’s what we like to hear.” I followed this up with my cringiest line of the night. “I only have baggage when I’m at the airport.” I didn’t tell her that I’ve only ever had one foreign holiday and that was back in 2009.

Soon it was all over. The end was signalled by the dj bringing over a bottle of bubbly for us all to share, which was put on our table. Lady 4 asked me to open it and I politely declined as I didn’t want to look a wimp if I couldn’t. The man sat with her friend did the honours and we all got a glass although her friend turned it down so she grabbed it.

I filled my scores in but then didn’t really know what happened next. Well what happened next was I grabbed a much needed pint. My scores remained on the table though as I assumed they would e collected.

I sauntered over to the table the lades were sat at. I don’t get to saunter very often so took full advantage of this opportunity. I explained to lady 2 about the favourite sum back story and she loved it. “I’m glad I helped you ask that in a real speed dating event. I’ve never been asked that before but no, I don’t have a favourite sum. I’m rubbish at Maths and use a calculator”. Crap at Maths and a sense of humour. Fair play.

The DJ, now behind the bar announced “free shot for all the speed daters” and I didn’t need telling twice. I was up there like shit off a shovel. One of the male speed daters commented that it was the cheapest shot being given out. I didn’t mind. It was free. I like free.

I strolled back over to the ladies. This time looking casual. I had one hand in my pocket and the other one was holding a pint of Carling. God, I’ve turned into Alanis Morrisette. That’s all the word needs. Lady number 4 gave me another glass of bubbly but made it clear I was getting no more. After more chats I went back and joined John as I didn’t want him sitting on his ow. Josh had turned up which was a pleasant surprise. “Mate, you seem so confident” was his first feedback. I happily confirmed that I’m not, just a good actor.

Lady 2 shouted over what I thought was “Mikee, do you want to come and see the gay beds?” Turned out she said day beds but she led me outside where there are beds for relaxing on and also a hot tub. I’ve never known a hot tub in a pub. I’m getting a pair of budgie smugglers in the Summer and having me a bit of that. The landlord joined us and he told me of his plans for the place and it was a good insight.

Back inside time was getting on. My scores still hadn’t been collected so it looked like there wasn’t going to be an announcement about matches and I didn’t have the guts to ask out the one I liked most.

We said goodbyes and headed back to the Walsall Arms so John could put the car to bed and have a beer.

It was an absolutely brilliant night. Thoroughly enjoyed it and maybe I have more confidence than I give myself credit for. I want more speed dating – the pub is on about doing it again and it’s definitely a me kind of pub so I’d be up for it again. I can only apologise to the locals though that they didn’t get to hear John and I singing “I’m Too Sexy.”

Last Saturday was set to be another action packed day so it was off to the Walsall Arms for opening at 10 with breakfast on my mind. I don’t have to order. Jodi knows the score. Full English, no tomato or mushrooms and tea with no sugar. All good.

There was a generic cooking show on the television. They were preparing a cauliflower dish. Cauliflower is my absolute Kryptonite. I’ve not thrown up in a pub since 1998 but my God this nearly triggered me. Jodi must have read my mind and asked if I wanted anything putting on. She further read my mind when I asked for a music channel and put on a modern rock one and we were treated to some right classics.

Breakfast was ace again and the music channel was tempting me to stay but I had to go as I was meeting my old mate Chris in Wolverhampton later on. I got home and it was shavey shavey time. Not my favourite part of the week to be honest. I put the plug in, turned the taps on and then decided that this was an ideal time to have a first practice at my upcoming birthday bash karaoke song. All my school reports used to say that I was easily distracted and it’s still the case. Next thing the sink was full and I was so grateful for the overflow outlet or I’d have had wet feet. I still wasn’t totally focused on the job in hand as I then tried to shave with the back of the razor. The song performance went well though.

The 529 was its usual infuriating self. Headphones should be mandatory on buses. As we got to The Merryboys junction I noticed an Audi with the number plate EVO5 CAR. Hmmm can’t be mine. Unless I become a famous writer I aint ever owning an Audi. When I was a kid my dream car was a white Renault 4, and I don’t think I’ve really moved on from that. More in my budget range though.

The toilets in Wolverhampton bus station were playing classical music which I wasn’t expecting. I briefly considered going into the cubicle and composing a movement of my own but I didn’t want to be last in the pub so I made it just a urinal visit.

The Posada was first. I ordered a HPA and the very friendly barmaid asked if I had a CAMRA card. I confirmed that I no longer do and I don’t know how we got onto it but by the time she had pulled my pint we had agreed to set up the Campaign For Real Wine. I know a few people that would get on board with this. If I don’t meet a lovely lady at a wine drinking organisation then it really is the time for me to become a monk.

Normally, with me being the wallflower that I am I’d go and sit in a quiet area with he least amount of people in the vicinity but as the barmaid was on great form and coming out with top lines (“if you’re offended, you’re in the wrong pub” was one to another customer) I stayed put and it was ace. Chris turned up, ordering a Spanish lager I’d never heard of which sounded like a Premier League assistant manager and we started the much needed catch up.

It’s fair to say that the last couple of years of the 90’s I wasn’t in a good place. I hated myself and life in general. Chris started at SciChem in 2001 and we hit it off straight away. Despite not working in the same part of the warehouse so only seeing each other at break times we were out for booze by the end of his second week. We soon became best friends and I make no secret that he was a major part in me turning my outlook on life around. He left in 2005 but we kept in touch and I was honoured to be one of the best men at his wedding in 2009.

The Posada is a must visit if you are in Wolverhampton and I could have happily stayed but Chris wasn’t out long and I had a shopping list of 4 pubs so we moved on to The Hogshead.

The Hogshead is class. I heard recently that it is up for sale and when that happens nowadays you never know what it’s future is. It was rammed with lots of people watching the England rugby match. There was only 1 unoccupied table but reserved for a Bottomless Brunch. We agreed to sit there unti the reservees (if that’s a word) turned up. They were already an hour late for their 2 hour slot. I threw in the caveat that if the bottomless brunch goodies started turning up, we’d partake just to be polite.

I talked in here of my thoughts re Valentines Day. I’m usually meh at this at the best of times as a perennially single man but over the last 6 months I’ve upped my attempts to find a lady so this one will hit a bit harder. I said to Chris “I want to fuck off, to a random pub, preferably not doing anything Valentines related and just sit there being miserable.” “You are good at that” was his response. He knows me well.

Somehow Chris had found out that 90’s singer Sophie B. Hawkins is playing an acoustic set in a Birmingham pub this Summer and we discussed this. “Do you want to go?” he asked. “Of course I do.” I replied. He investigated. “Shit. It’s £26 a ticket. I only know two of her songs.” I went all Ken Bruce and named the three that I know in 10 seconds. “Right Beside You” is an absolute classic and the favourite song of Warren Street, the main character in my two novels. I really need to do something with those. They aint paying for that Audi whilst they are sat on a broken pc in the loft.

We still agreed to go so Chris booked the tickets. “How much do I owe you?” I asked thinking booking fees and other bollocks would be added on. And no doubt dynamic pricing would have kicked in. “Nah, it’s on me.” Wow, cheers Chris. This like Hard-Fi at the intimate Irish Centre in Brum will be a deffo I was there night. We finished our drinks and moved on. The bottomless brunch folk hadn’t shown.

Next up was The Wheatsheaf. This is my favourite pub in the centre. Maiden visit was with Woza in 2010 and it was love at first pint. At the time the bus station was being redeveloped and the 529’s were picking up right accros the road from the front door. Despite this we missed the last 3. I say missed, this implies an attempt at catching them which there really wasn’t. The landlord had to call us a taxi in the end.

This time there was no entertainment as it was still early and a television behind me was showing Birmingham v Newcastle. Despite it’s close proximity I still missed the first 4 goals. We were deep in discussion. I was telling Chris about my attempts at finding a lady on Facebook Dating and e-harmony. He thought I said the army which would be a different type of dating I guess.

The final discussion in here was about the film Poor Things which we are both massive fans of. With time flying by I postponed my scheduled bus and we dashed to our final stop The Moon Under Water – Wolverhampton’s Wetherspoons. It was busy but we found a space at the bar. I still wasn’t done with discussing Poor Things and relayed the scene when a well spoken English bloke in a Victorian suit said “I’ll smash his fucking head in.” I must have emphasised this a bit too eagerly as a barmaid gave me a right look on saying this. I’d like to think that she went home that night and told everyone “we had a right hard bastard with a Walsall accent in today. Well hunky he was.”

As we walked away Chris said “I’d like to see you smash someones fucking head in wearing that” referencing my Craig David style white beanie hat. So I sang “I’ll smash his fucking head in” in a Craig David stylie. It were proper bo I tell thee.

Soon I noticed it was 7 minutes till bus departure time and wary that it would not be long before the departures go more infrequent so we supped up and both dashed downstairs to the loos and back. Despite time being against us I was still holding doors open for ladies, and stopping to let them pass. “You’re too polite” was Chris’s feedback. I made the bus though with 2 minutes to spare. Despite the rushed feel to it it was a good visit to the Spoons.

Stage 2 of the day was a rough plan. Meet Josh for a pint in Willenhall and he’d then drop me off at the Walsall Arms. Without an actual meet up arranged he announced via text that he was just going to take the kids home but would still take me to the pub. His timing was epic and he turned up right behind the bus I’d just got off. I got in to be confronted by a question. “Can you name a country beginning with the letter O?” “Yeah, Oman.” “Oh right. Can you name a football club begging with O?” “Yeah, Oxford United.” I had no idea what this game was but I was already liking it.

My mind started racing to potential further question. Colour begging with O? Yep got one. Cubed shaped meat extract product? Sorted. These never came neither did London Underground station past or present, I’d have gone for Ongar. Instead the game went to a name singers going round the car alphabetically. Josh and his kids came up with some I’d never heard of so when V landed on my lap I went for Vincent Furnier the real name of Alice Cooper.

Next up was animals which passed peacefully until I got U. I said urangutang. This was ruled out after a VAR check as it actually begins with an O. Oh well, spelling has never been my strong point as you’ve probably gathered by reading these blogs. I later found out that there isn’t a g at the end either when spell checking for this edition. We were now at the Walsall Arms and Josh nand co popped in for one which was ace.

I had a couple more pints, and Jaz the lovely landlady shouted us both a shot of Sambuca mmmmm that hit of Aniseed. Early contender for Song Of The Night was N-Trance “Set You Free” one of my absolute faves and I was delighted when it came on again about 20 minutes later. I was joined by John and Kimbo who had got back from Colchester but shortly afterwards I decided I’d had a enough and dashed round the corner to Danny’s Chicken before it closed. 3 ladies came in and asked for ice cram and were tured down. They then asked for milk shake and were turned down a second time so they walked out. They didn’t think to ask for chicken.

Anyway my chicken was great, I had a fantastic day, have an uxpected gig outing in the bagging area and I learned how to spell orangutan, which I’m sure will come in useful one day.