I don’t watch television much nowadays but back when I did I used to love the adverts as much as the programmes. Obviously this was in the days before the infuriating meerkats so I thought for a laugh it would be good to recreate some of the old ones.

My favourite advert ever is the VW one from the early 90’s where the guy is driving along and hears a squeaking noise, goes to the garage and it’s his missus’s earring that is squeaking, causing the mechanic to laugh, and again at the squeaky overhead sign. However, I’m short of a car, desert like surroundings and a missus so I can’t do this one.

Just so good.

So I’ve looked elsewhere for adverts to recreate and as much as I’d love to be in the back of a van with a load of mates heading off somewhere singing “we hope it’s chips, it’s chips”, that’s currently not allowed, and my local launderette doesn’t get many visitors so I’m not stripping to my white boxer shorts in there (if I’m getting my pants out I demand a decent audience).
If Scott and Amy still had their bookshop in Walsall Town Centre then they would have had a couple of phone calls asking for Fly Fishing by J R Hartley. One from me and another in the style of Princess Stéphanie of Monaco
Here’s what I’ve come up with instead.

Shake n’ vac
So when I asked friends for ad suggestions, one of the most popular was Shake n’ vac. So after finally finding it in B&M I got to work. I watched the advert and reminded myself of the lyrics and after a vocal warm up with a rendition of Billy Ocean’s amazing song Red Light Spells Danger I got to work. It took a while, I’m not sure I got the dance right and because I did the Living Room, Hall and Porch on a nice March day whist wearing a fleece it got a bit hot and I finished the job topless. Something the nice lady in the video didn’t do. I also tripped over the vacuum and went flying. Again something the lady didn’t do. A good start but my one gripe was that the product was “fresh lemon” yet there was limes on the label and I simply couldn’t cope with this.

You do the Shake n Vac and get your moobs out fast.

Cadbury’s Flake
I watched the advert of the lady in the bath eating a Flake several times, I take my research very seriously. I got my adverts mixed up though as I was sure she ignored the telephone whilst eating the Flake. This was a different ad though for the same bar. The lady ignoring the phone is sat on a window sill in a silky negligee whilst chomping on a Flake. Nobody wants to see a picture of me doing that. So I went for the bath one. I asked a good lady friend if she would be up for this recreation. I offered to social distance (a bit) while she was in the bath, and a couple of extra Flake’s to take home, but it was a no.
So I did it myself. It wasn’t a totally like for like recreation as I didn’t let the bath over flow, and the lady in the ad didn’t inspect her chest upon finishing like I did (I only had 4 bits of chocolate land there so I think I did well). Not the mess I was expecting and more successful than the time I took a glass of wine in the shower. And I still have 3 bars left for next time.

Not for resale. Not really for eating in the bath either.

R White’s Lemonade.
This one was also suggested several times so after eventually finding a bottle of it (3 litres for a quid – absolute bargain) I got Daz round to be official photographer and witness. I don’t own pyjamas so just opted for my old dressing gown instead. It’s a garment I never wear but have held onto in case I get cast in a bedroom scene in a 1990’s period drama.
I absolutely nailed the vocals as I emerged down the stairs and I think Daz secretly really enjoyed it. He’s lucky as I only perform for paying audiences these days. I then helped him carry something to his car, almost forgetting to take the dressing gown off. There were neighbours about and that would have given them something to ponder.

O ar White’s lemonade. Goes well with gin.

So that’s it for now. there will be an edition 2 of this. Daz and myself are already working on another recreation but if there is any advert you’d like me to have a go at – not the ones from the 70’s with kids flying kites underneath pylons though, then please shout up. Cheers.