I’m enjoying the football free Saturdays. Unthinkable just a few years ago. I looked at all those Saturdays and thought ‘yeah. Let’s get some more Monopoly board properties ticked off.’ So I picked the first Saturday of June thinking the weather would be glorious.

Facebook has now clocked onto my love of the London Monopoly board and Underground and I’m now getting adverts for related merchandise. I’ve already succumbed and purchased a poster with my street on it as would appear on the board. I put it it in the red set. Just colour preference, no reflection on value. Swill, who used to live on the road said it should have been in a set further back round the board. Yeah cheers fella.

I also saw a duvet set with a London Underground map on it. That’s got to be done. Imagine next time I get a lovely lady in bed. I won’t know which station to visit first. I mentioned this to Josh and he said “would she let you change at Baker Street though?” If you don’t know what this means, I wouldn’t Google it at work. 

So, if you’re here for the first time after a Google search welcome. It’s edition 199 of my waffle, you have some catching up to do. I digress, I’m currently on a mission to visit all the Monopoly board properties and getting each square signed. After 2 trips, I’d managed 4 ticks. This needed to be a more productive day. 

En route to Walsall railway station I had Tony Blackburn’s “Sounds Of The 60s” show on Radio 2 playing. He spun “Everlasting Love” by Love Affair. One of the best songs ever and I knew then that this was going to be a good day. 

At New Street there were noticeable gasps of disbelief as people clocked that the escalator was actually working. One bloke had already got his missus in a fireman’s lift ready to carry her up. Ok I might have made that last bit up to keep you interested. 

On the train just before Euston I needed the loo and someone had peed all over the seat. I tentatively lifted it and got to work. I didn’t hang around and tried to leave sharpish but of course there was a cute lass waiting who would assume it was me. Bad situation all because of a dirty sod.

At Euston, on the concourse I had an idea. Would I be able to get a map of the Underground from the information desk? I’ve been trying to find a diary with one in and have appealed for a print out but got suggestions of downloading the app. Nope. I’m from the 1970’s. I want something physical I can hold, plus you can’t buy an event ticket nowadays without having to download a use once app so I try to avoid this.

Success. I got a map. Believe me this was a bit like porn to me. Other and better types of porn are available.

The Northern Line has more branches than Lloyds Bank. Ok that’s pushing it but you know, maybe in a couple of years. Anyway it’s a bit complex but fortunately a diagram was at hand showing all lines and which platform required and within minutes I was moving South. 

I’d done my research and the first bus I saw outside Elephant & Castle tube station served Old Kent Road, I just had to make sure it was going in the right direction.

So, Old Kent Road. The cheapest property on the London board and the only one south of the river. It’s the A2 if you’re a fan of the UK road numbering system. 

Ozzies Cafe was my destination. They had English tea at £1.80. I asked the lady to sign the board and she was a bit unsure but eventually agreed. A nice lady struck up conversation about “the football” as she called it and tipped me off that the toilet was working despite the out of order sign.

No music but there was a loud bang, causing the two females present to turn and look at me. I did wonder for a second if I’d caused it. There was then the sound of some heavy braking and horn beeping outside which had both ladies running from behind the counter to the door to investigate.

The bus stop advised Elephant & Castle and Tower Bridge, so I assumed all buses went there and jumped on the first one. But it was going to Liverpool Street via Tower Bridge. Oh well, I’ve never done the London touristy thing so I’d not seen Tower Bridge with my own eyes let alone crossed it. It was ace.

I knew my route had I got back to Elephant and Castle but at Liverpool Street, on the board but which I’d already ticked off I asked Google and was soon on the Central Line en route to Bond Street. This actually worked better as I wasn’t looking forward to trying to find the green set from Park Lane.

When we did the Monopoly Pub Crawl (blog here) in 2009, we were going to get t-shirts printed with “What happens on Bond Street, stays on Bond Street.” This was left to me to sort so needless to say it didn’t happen. 

I walked up Oxford Street in the rain without seeing anywhere I fancied popping in for a signature and traipsed down Bond Street too scared to ask a passer by. Bond Street is very posh and no wonder it has top billing in the green set. There wasn’t a cheap shop for me to buy anything and ask for an autograph. I spotted a gallery with some smart people standing in the doorway. I grew a pair and asked. The first guy didn’t understand but another one came rushing forward and was happy to sign then said “she works on Oxford Street.” Two ticks in one hit. Nice people too.

Oxford Street has a McDonald’s so I dived in there. It has a lift which I’ve not seen in one of those before and head high hand dryers in the loos. It’s fair to say they are probably chest height to normal people. 

I headed to Regent Street. Again not much in the way of cheap shops. Certainly no Sports Direct. After assessment of the street I popped into Calvin Klein. I don’t need any new pants believe me, I have plenty but as I perused, a nice lady came to help. I pointed at a pair of boxer shorts and said “there’s no size on these.” “They are medium. What size are you?” I lied and said medium, and I don’t know why. She got a stool, reached up and handed me a pack. “These are medium in that style. In the sale too.” I felt compelled after the effort she had gone to, to buy some so I asked for a different colour and headed to the till.

I might shrink into them and I am doubling my efforts to find Mrs Right so they might come in handy in about 8 years when I’ve pulled and finally reached my 10 stone target. 

At the counter another lady was more than happy to sign the board and as the other two greens hadn’t cost anything so a bill of £30 for 3 pairs of pants wasn’t too bad. I felt like I was in an episode of Absolutely Fabulous leaving a posh store on Regent Street with a bag.

Great Marlborough Street leads off Regent Street so I ambled down there and found the Coach and Horses. £4.95 for a can of Diet Coke but I was parched after all that walking and the guy serving was happy to sign the board. 

One stop down the Victoria Line from Oxford Circus is Green Park. I exited the wrong way again. Vine Street has top billing in the orange set. It got shortened in the 18th century to make way for Regent Street and now it’s shit. You wouldn’t get 4 houses and a hotel on it, although the corner is now a construction site so maybe someone is trying. 

A waiter was in a doorway on his break. I explained what I was doing and asked if he’d sign the board. He grunted. I took this as a yes and waited patiently (and awkwardly) alongside him while he smoked his fag. He finished it then got another one out. I took this as a “sod off George.” So I did. I asked a delivery driver who refused. It was now raining so passers by on Swallow Street were scurrying past. I tried taking a selfie of myself in front of the road sign hoping a group of ladies outside the adjacent fish restaurant would offer to take it then I could ask one of them but they all ignored me. So I sacked it off but believe me Vine Street, were not done yet. 

On Piccadilly I found a coffee shop Volonte and got a pot of English Breakfast Tea and a signature for £3.95 from the nice lass serving. She didn’t charge for the signature.

I tried to get a picture of the place but it wasn’t easy with a popular bus stop right outside and millions of passers by jostling with wannabe passengers. I did say “God, it’s like Piccadilly Circus here” which of course it wasn’t. That was 3 minutes walk away.

The Rose and Crown on Old Park Lane was a bit odd to start with. Plenty of seats but a large crowd had used themselves and some strategically placed stools to make an impenetrable barrier splitting the pub in two. Then one of them moved slightly and I ghosted in undetected and made it through the divide where I was welcomed by a friendly barman who knew the score saying I was his third Monopoly board signature of the day. 

I grabbed my Diet Coke and settled down and watched as the human shield all made for the door. I was glad of the sit down and with the noise levels reduced we were treated to Eric Clapton. We also had “Here Comes The Sun” which believe me was absolute wishful thinking. Great pub with decent staff, although I did nearly fall down the last couple of stirs on way to the loo.

It was gone 6 as I left the Rose and Crown. 90 minutes until my train. I pondered Coventry Street but sacked it off. Had I done Rose and Crown before the coffee shop then hell yeah but I was being ultra cautious again. 

I was back at Euston and had an hour to kill so marauded around the concourse in search of a generic purveyor of newspapers and books in the hope of them having a lottery terminal. I only play when it’s a must be won draw but I couldn’t find anywhere. Oh well, there are better ways to spend £2. Like buying 8 packs of Beef Space Raiders. Kids, please don’t gamble or buy 8 packs of Beef Space Raiders in one go.

The journey home was uneventful but it was a successful-ish day. 8 Properties visited, 7 of them signed off and I can head a bit more central London next time.

I left the boxer shorts in London somewhere.