Toby Tarrant is one of my radio heroes. Mid May he appeared on Chris Moyles’s Radio X show with an announcement. First claiming that he was leaving the station to be the new James Bond. I’ve only ever seen one Bond film – A View To A Kill, but I’d have used my Light Cinema pass to watch him in some 007 movies. He’d be excellent at some of the one liners.

He was jesting. I was glad as he’d be missed on Radio X. He’s on weekdays 10am until 1pm. We have interacted just once before. On 25th December last year he played the Jimmy Eat World version of Last Christmas. This split the audience. I waded in and he read out my tweet proclaiming it as the best version. I stand by this.

The real announcement was his debut stand up show at The Edinburgh Fringe in August. I still dream of doing a show there, am currently writing my second stand up, so I thought I’d make my first visit to said festival to watch the show and check out the vibe. I don’t have many life rules but “don’t turn down a trip to Scotland” is one of them. 

Payday was still 48 hours away but as soon as I got home I lept into action. I had £19 available in my bank – roughly £18 more than I used to have at that time of the month. Enough for a ticket so a few minutes and a mug of tea later I was in.

Payday came and I pondered getting the train back same day. Last one was 6.50. Show was starting at 5 and lasting roughly an hour. I wanted to say hello to Toby at the end. Getting that train would have meant a Phil Collins style Hello, I Must Be Going. Nah

Edinburgh digs were crazy money. I looked at hotels in Glasgow and bingo. By bingo I mean I found one. I wasn’t looking for a hall to play a few games. I got a hotel 5 minutes walk from Glasgow Queen Street railway station. 

I booked a single room for £135. I could pay £5 more for a double bed. Now I had a decision. Do I gamble £5 on me pulling in Scotland? Short answer – no.

Fast forward then to Friday evening and I get an email saying my train to Glasgow the following morning had been cancelled. Cracking banter. I could take the two later ones – no use, the one an hour earlier only went to Carlisle so after a quick Twitter exchange I was on the one 2 hours earlier. My 6 am get up was now 4.45. Which also ruled out my McDonald’s breakfast en route to the station. A long journey without a toffee latte to start it? That will not become a regular feature.

Train journey went well bar a 20 minute delay caused by sheep on the line. Not our train. The one our Train Manager was travelling on to join us at Preston.

I stepped out into Glasgow for the first time. I’ve been to Cumbernauld before when Walsall played Clyde pre season years ago but that’s as close as I’ve got. My mates say it’s an amazing pub crawl though. 

There were no England flags. Thought there would still be some up from the Commonwealth Games but they must have been removed sharpish after the closing ceremony.

It wasn’t raining. A running joke on Nick Abbott’s LBC show is him telling the good folk of Glasgow that it is going to rain there every day for the rest of their lives.

I got a smile off a lady, I smiled back then realised it was for someone behind me.

I was staying at The Z Hotel. Check in was at 3. I’d messaged the day before pleading to check in 15 minutes early. They messaged back with the checking in early tariff. This is where the 2 hour earlier train played a blinder.

After a friendly and the most welcoming of welcomes ever, the five pound I saved on the double bed I used to check in at 1pm allowing me time to shower, drink tea, read some of my book and just relax. 

I have a reputation for liking a shit rough pub, and a dodgy cheap hotel. This wasn’t one. It was modern and stylish with a glass lift. 

Room was great. Television was on and broadcasting a channel I’d never heard of Legend Xtra and showing some soft of space war epic. Everyone involved was very good looking. I felt reassured on that basis that I’d never be called up for said war and celebrated by sticking the kettle on again.

Back in reception, I thanked the lad for the early check in, announced “that’s the best £5 I’ve ever spent” shook his hand and called him a top bloke. Feeling like I’d bothered him enough for the day, I set off for the next instalment of the mission.

Glasgow Queen Street railway station was very busy, even 3 pigeons were in attendance. At one point they landed and a little kid chased them away. This made me quite edgy. I haven’t forgotten what happened in Final Destination 2.

I was peckish. I approached the M & S Foodhall with a sense of trepidation. I couldn’t afford M & S when it was in Walsall so was already wincing on behalf of my bank manager as I stepped inside with railway station pricing already factored in. Turns out it was £3.75 for a ham and cheese sandwich. I’ll take that. No cashiers so self service only. The guy next to me, in the most Scottish accent I heard all day told his machine to “fuck off.” We’ve all been there.

In Edinburgh the taxi queue was lengthy, I’m talking Walsall Town Centre by the Cenotaph on a Friday night in the 90’s lengthy. I’d tried to research walking but with my navigation skills and the Google maps streetview not looking easy to fathom, plus the show starting in 50 minutes I decided to join the queue.

The queue went quickly, I got in one and the driver was “would have been quicker to walk pal. It’s a 10 minute walk and a 15 minute drive.” He wasn’t joking. Plenty of gridlock on the roads and I’ll say this for Edinburgh, they love their traffic lights. They were all changing green to red. David Gray would have been very impressed.

The meter was going up even at red lights and it was up to a tenner while I could still hear trains pulling into the station. And then we were there. Driver was decent so I gave him a tip and departed. A short walk to the venue Gilded Saloon – Basement.

Pre show music was provided by The Rolling Stones – Toby’s favourite band. I must have missed She’s A Rainbow while I was in the taxi.

The show itself was hilarious, it was like him on the radio but more laddie. Anecdotes about his dad Chris Tarrant and a corker about an old lady on a train who hadn’t locked the toilet door. I could relate to this as I had a similar experience albeit with a bloke. On a train back to Walsall a few years back I pushed that button and the door slowly opened like it was revealing a star prize on a old skool game show. What it revealed to me was a bloke having a shit. Unlike the bloke in Tony’s anecdote, I had the decency to hit the close door button before heading back to my seat. I did allow myself a smile when the ‘toilet in use” sign lit up seconds later.

Other highlights and I won’t give spoilers if people are googling – alien anal probing, 5g butt plugs, an impression of Shaggy realising he’s left a tap running, telling how he had to put death threats that he received in Spanish into Google Translate following an on air Justin Beiber joke and a mention for Princess Anne. 

An ongoing theme throughout the show was him starting to talk about a Mexican restaurant in Soho that looks lime a sex shop – before going off on a tangent. I’m actually making my first visit to Soho tomorrow. Hmmmm. 

Guess who hadn’t turned their phone off? Yep, mine was the one that went off, twice. One being an email offering me a credit card, the other a WhatsApp asking if I wanted to go to a pub in Walsall. I declined both.

I got to meet Toby at the end and had a quick chat. He comes across as a top bloke on the radio and he certainly is. I’m currently on a mission to visit every London Monopoly property and I wanted to ask Toby if he’d sign my board on Leicester Square where the Radio X studio is, when I’m in London in October but I got scared and bottled it. He recently signed an Old El Paso box for someone so is used to bizarre requests. I wonder if that bloke started eating that after visiting a Mexican restaurant in Soho.

I also met his lovely wife Pippa who used to be on Moyles’s show and was hilarious. Especially with tales of how men would try and get her phone number and when she joined a gym an instructor wanted her to strip to her bra and pants during an induction. I had a picture with her and to be courteous I asked if I could use it in a blog. She thought I asked “can I use it on the bog?” She saw the funny side but my God why do I always make things unintentionally awkward?

Post show I couldn’t be arsed with trying to sort a taxi. So I attempted to walk. Edinburgh, whilst they like their traffic lights, they aren’t so keen on sign posts but unlike me I asked 4 people for directions and found the station just in time for an earlier train. 

Edinburgh is so vibrant, there are just people everywhere. If you don’t like people it’s possibly not for you but it’s cool and cultural. I could learn a lot from it.

En route I passed Cockburn Street. Topical as one of the last jokes of the show was about the damage from shagging a hot burrito.

Back in Glasgow I headed for Curry House as it’s simply called. Why pick a fancy name when you can go down the “it does what it says on the tin” route? I’d seen it on the bus earlier and hoped I could find it. Even I couldn’t mess this up. 

Crispy chicken wings and tempura King prawns were epic. I loved a lamp in there. I hadn’t said anything stupid all day so I clearly needed to tick that box and asked the lady if they were real fish inside.

Normally at this point I’d say she looked at me like I was talking Chinese but on this occasion that would have been fine. No I got the puzzled look I deserved and a simple but flat “no they’re not.”

Food over I tried to have a quick drink in Flight Club as it was next door to my hotel. A bar chain I believe that is for playing darts and drinking. I’m no Luke Littler. I would never have stood a chance of winning a teasmade on Bully’s Prize Board, however I do get called Michael Van Gerwen regularly. I should have worn my lime green t-shirt, pretended to be him and got everyone to buy me drinks.

That would have been in vain though as I was turned away for not having a booking. I can’t tell you anymore. We all know the first rule of Flight Club. 

No skin off my dick though and I just went back to my hotel room for a mug of tea – if only I’d won a teasmade, and a listen to The Legal Hour on LBC. You might think I’ve changed but I had been up a long time.

Superb day. I’ll finish off by saying that Pink Pony Club by Chappell Roan came on as I walked into breakfast the following morning. She’s not had a mention on this blog for about 4 editions so had to get that in.

Nick Abbott will be delighted to hear that it was raining in Glasgow as I left the hotel.

It was nice to finally take this blog out of England. Edinburgh, and Glasgow are two great cities. I’ll be back. Hopefully to hold a microphone in the former.