Since April, I’ve been making sporadic visits to London, trying to visit and get signed off every property on the Monopoly board. Thursday was the deadline and I had 9 still to do. Kings Cross Station, 3 pinks, 3 light blues and 2 yellows.
Thursday arrived and off I set. There is always an odd sight at Birmingham New Street. Todays was a man trying to take his bike into a toilet cubicle. Such sad times really when you can’t have a poo in peace without worrying about your bike being nicked.
Have you heard that radio advert “train toilet door. Didn’t work?” Well, I had this. One of old school ones. It just wouldn’t shut. I’ve heard that advert millions of times and have no idea what it’s selling.
On the Underground the platform was busy and a lady exclaimed “I’m stuck to you.” I was puzzled but yes, her jumper had got attached to the exposed Velcro on my coat. We managed to separate without the need for costly solicitors. Then my bag got caught in the train doors. I’m forever indebted to the man on the platform who managed to prise them open.
I had a pleasant stroll along Pall Mall while cars that I doubt I’ll come close to affording even when I’m a famous writer, purred past.
I found a coffee shop, and after my first request for a signature wasn’t understood, he summonsed his colleague who was happy to oblige.
Ambling along Whitehall I imagined Sir Humphrey Appleby from Yes Minister sitting in one of those impressive buildings, scheming and delivering big worded monologues.
The Whitehall tick could wait for a while though as I had a bit of sightseeing to do. I’ve never done the London touristy thing and wanted to see Big Ben, well the Elizabeth Tower to use the proper name – Big Ben being the bell that issues those famous bongs. I’d got really excited when my college Tom showed me how easy it was to find from Whitehall. Then again, I get excited at the slightest thing so no change there. I found it ok and even got to hear some bongs. Marvellous.
Back on Whitehall I found The Clarence pub and headed in. An American sat alongside and asked about going from Charing Cross to Bond Street. I happily obliged. A Walsall lad of absolutely no London links and no expert on the place giving travel advice to an international visitor. Good job I know the colours of the Underground lines off by heart.
The Sherlock Holmes counts as the Northumberland Avenue tick and it was the last visit of the failed 2009 Monopoly Pub Crawl. The Halloween decorations appeared to be limited to two small pumpkins on a windowsill. I can cope with this level of dedication to the cause.
More travel advice was sought as a lady at Charing Cross asked if the train pulling in was going to Euston. I confirmed it was but she opted not to believe me and remained on the platform as it roared away.
For Leicester Square, I was hoping to get Toby Tarrant from Radio X to sign this one off but he’s on a well-earned 3-week holiday. I found the studios though. So much of my radio listening emanates from this building courtesy of Radio X, LBC and Heart 00’s. I had Dominic Byrne from The Chris Moyles Show in my head singing the address as I took the picture.
I went in Wetherspoons. Ordered a latte and asked the guy next to me where the machine is. He claimed not to know in between mouthfuls of Carlsberg. Respect to him.
Coventry Street was mostly hiding behind scaffolding. I trudged up and down it twice without finding a pub. I considered Five Guys then quickly unconsidered when I saw the price list through the window.
I found a cinema/cafe up a passageway and opted for that. “This is more Piccadilly” claimed the man behind the counter. I was past caring and the passageway was on Coventry Street so I was having it. The pot of English Breakfast tea was very civilised and even more enjoyed.
The Rocket on Euston Road sparked memories of one of my favourite moments of our 2009 attempt. Barmaid signed the board and we headed outside. Woza asked to look at the board and exclaimed “she’s put a kiss on the board. I’d rather she put it on my nob.” He was unaware that she had taken a fag break and was sat right behind him.
This time the barmaid was very engaging, asking where I was from and if I was doing all the ticks today. I felt a bit sheepish as I explained it had taken me 6 months to get this far.
My hotel was on Euston Road. I was determined to stay in a hotel on the board so why not on the last day? I made a nob of myself upon checking in. The man handed me a slip with the room number, the key card and wished me “enjoy your stay.” I replied “thanks, and you.” Realising what I’d said I could only shake my head and say “sorry mate, I’m a twat.” He reassured me that it was fine.
The Peacock in Islington used to be The Angel which fitted the board perfectly. However, Wetherspoons sold it hence its rename. Initially picked to be the final stop on my Cluedo challenge on this day until I got impatient and picked somewhere closer to home so I could complete it early.
I made a friend while searching for the loo. A lovely lady undertaking the same voyage of exploration. We teamed up, going through one door to be greeted by 3 more locked ones. She then led the way across the pub and found them downstairs. Of course, stairs had to be involved it used to be a Wetherspoons. I apologised saying “I’ve not been in here since 2009 and I’ve slept since then.” “It’s my first time” she replied. At the bottom of the stairs, I wished her a good evening and we went our separate ways.
The Parcel Yard at Kings Cross was very busy. Not the idea place to go flying. I was focusing on the bar ahead and didn’t see the step. I somehow stayed upright.
There was one property left out of the 26 to tick off. Shall we make it a good un? The whole point of today’s visit to London was for a gig. Boy Kill Boy. They are joint second on my most seen artists list, tying with Belinda Carlisle, The Twang and Maroon 5 on 3 viewings, 2 behind leaders Hard-Fi.
Boy Kill Boy single Suzie is my all time favourite song, whilst debut album track Ivy Parker sits in the top 3 along with Wetsuit by The Vaccines. I was gutted when they split in 2008, missed the one-off 10th anniversary show in 2016, but there was no way I was missing the 20th. BKB gig number 4 was incoming.
First duty on Pentonville was food. I needed protein so popped into McDonald’s and the limited-edition chicken wings, which usually only appear in branches in China. They were good. I had pondered a cheeseburger but wasn’t sure if Andy Burnhams price cut to gherkin had taken affect yet so left it.
Gig time then. Scala on Pentonville Road is a new venue for me. I caught the back end of the support act who were good. During the interval they played the Echo & The Bunnymen classic Nothing Lasts Forever. Usually this would be a contender for the prestigious Song Of The Day Award but I knew it wasn’t happening this time.
Boy Kill Boy opened with Back Again. Somewhat fitting. I got a bit emotional during Ivy Parker. Genuinely thought I’d never hear it live again. The lyric in the chorus is “I tried to keep quiet.” I didn’t. I gave it absolute portions. I recalled the first time I played the debut album Civilian. When I’ve Parker finished, I was like “what the hell?” I ran across the room to skip the cd back so I could play it again.
The last time I saw them, I’d text Jo Whiley, then on Radio 1 as part of her “I Love Monday” feature saying that I was loving that Monday as I was seeing Boy Kill Boy that night, pointing out that she’d introduced me to them by playing the single Civil Sin. She read it out but called me Micky – which I hate, instead of Mikee. All my colleagues in the SciChem warehouse heard it and had a field day. Them belting it out tonight brought all this back.
Lead singer Chris announced “are you ready to jump around?” We were and they launched into Suzie and it was epic. Nobody tried to keep quiet. Fair play to the lad who walked past me clutching three full pints and headed into the crowd just as the second chorus started. He needs an award for heroism.
It was a fantastic gig, they are touring in February and I can’t wait. Post gig, I still needed Pentonville Road signing. I’d asked on Facebook if they’d sign and they agreed. I spied Kevin the bassist and approached tentatively. “Are you the Monopoly guy?” He asked. “Yes” I replied somewhat relieved that no explanation was needed. He said he’d been looking out for me and hoped he hadn’t missed me, throwing in that his kids play it. I thanked him for a great show and we had a quick chat. He’s an absolute top bloke.
I then met Chris the lead singer who said it was really cool what I was doing and he marvelled at my Boy Kill Boy t-shirt, shouting to someone to check out my top from 20 years ago. I happily pointed out that it fits me much better now than it did then. Again, pleasantries were exchanged, I told him where Suzie and Ivy Parker rank in my life and he was honoured, asking if they sounded alright. I closed the chat by saying I’d see him in Birmingham on Valentines Day. I must buy my ticket as I need BKB gig number 5 in my life.
It was now that I heard of the passing of Sir Patrick Stewart. I’ll sound like a philistine but I’ve not seen much of his work. That episode of Extras though. “I’ve seen everything.” Classic. Sleep well good Sir and I hope you are seeing everything up there.
I left the venue and headed back to Kings Cross. I made a train with seconds to spate and had barely sat down when I heard “up the Saddlers.” I looked around and two lads were there that I don’t know. “Are you a Walsall fan?” Asked one of them. I confirmed I am. “Oh, we recognised you but wasn’t sure so we shouted up the Saddlers to see if you looked round.” It worked, two more absolute top lads to add to the collection and a great way to round off a fab day.
Back at the hotel and despite being knackered, I couldn’t sleep. I was still buzzing. Isn’t there a thing at Premier Inn, that if you don’t get a good night’s sleep, you get a refund? I’ll look into that. I jest of course. I’m not one of those serial complainers like you get on Twitter.
So that’s it then. No more Monopoly ticks but with this and asking bar staff to pick Cluedo cards this year, it’s done wonders for my confidence. I am so giving London the year off in 2027.
Regrets? I have a few, but then again….anyway major one was spending £30 on Calvin Klein pants that I neither needed, wanted or could afford just to get the Regent Street tick and then losing them. I contacted the pub I think I left them in twice but with no response, leading me to suspect that they found them, saw how sexy they were and kept them.
Not doing the Wetherspoons at Liverpool Street to save time. I need to stop trying to cram so much into a day and take my time and savour stuff.
Not eating at Ozzys Cafe on Old Kent Road and not having the gonads to ask random people that I met to sign the middle of the board.
That’s it then. Thanks for reading and remember if ever you’re in London, what happens on Bond Street, stays on Bond Street.
